To think it’s abusive to always get your own way

Thanks! Though sure I'm not a bed of roses to live with either. He is completely unable to put himself in somebody else's shoes - which may be something more than a character flaw - he genuinely can't see somebody else's perspective. But he's pretty bright, so I'm sure he could learn to do that. But at the moment it is exhausting.

It doesn't make you pathetic or a wimp, it makes you a nice, compassionate person who is willing to compromise. Most people are like you and in their relationships they both make these little compromises day to day. The fact he won't compromise doesn't say anything about your character, but it says a lot about his.

An easy way of dealing with this is just to stop next time your husband and you need to make a decision and say "how would you prefer to do it?" to your husband and then go with his way. Start to do this more often and eventually it will become second nature to really consider other people's ideas and thoughts. The fact you're now aware of it is a good thing, it means you can work on it from within yourself rather than having someone else pressuring you to change.

* if he knows I really desperately want to do something he will make excuses or go without me on a day I can't make.*

Is this for real? If so, he needs putting in his place, the bin.

This is it exactly. You would likely also have had a really nice time if you had done what you wanted. But you never find out. So you can’t counter the idea that doing what you want won’t be enjoyable. And the idea that the other party won’t enjoy something that is not 100% their idea becomes entrenched.

@Daisy12Maisie if he knows I really desperately want to do something he will make excuses or go without me on a day I can't make.

But that's awful! That goes beyond just narcissism and not caring about you - that's actual malice and spite.

I think it firstly being aware of your concern is good, but don’t get overly focused on it and ruminate because that can be equally toxic and you may loose perspective.

I’d be curious to know what things are you getting your own way over - if it’s something like do you have pasta bows or pasta shells in the pasta bake - no this is not an issue if you pick (unless you pick the one your partner has food sensitivities around as an example.)

Similarly, if you were going on a holiday to Thailand and you are deciding with your partner do you visit round Bangkok first or go straight to a beach resort and then Bangkok - does it really matter what order you do them? If no then let it go, but if you’re imposing an order that prevents your partner from doing something they want to do then yes this could be an issue.

I think it really is context here, however I do agree with other posters try creating space for others to have their preferences and choice met instead of yours. This in itself maybe a challenge if you have a laid back partner and you may need to find the right phrases to open up discussions that allow them to make those choices without you pushing them into doing it, which again can be equally toxic behaviour.

Narcissism is a spectrum so a lot of us will have narcissistic traits, some more than others. But the fact you are even worrying about this and have that self awareness to even reflect and question on how you are is not typical of a narcissist.

What about holidays/ days out? My partner is always really bossy with those and we never do what I would like. He pushes and pushes until we do what he wants and then says but we had a nice time didn't we? Yes but I hate not being able to do what I want. There are only a few things on my list that I desperately want to do. This year I have had to basically insist and book them, which is not nice that it became "a thing"
There was something he really wanted to do for his big birthday and I booked and arranged it. I do thoughtful things for him because I want to and it's a sign of love but if he knows I really desperately want to do something he will make excuses or go without me on a day I can't make.
So have a think about holidays/ days out. Ask your partner if he has a wish list then take it in turns choosing so at least half the time he can decide.
It's honestly horrible having a battle on your hands to do any of the things you want whilst that is not the case for your partner. It makes me feel not cared about.
Maybe your partner doesn't mind or doesn't have a list or maybe you don't do it with holidays but it might be nice to check.
I don't think your a narcissist because if you were you wouldn't care about whether it was fair you got your own way and you would think that you deserved to get your own way so that was the end of it.

I wouldn’t use the word abusive, but it’s definitely really selfish. Whenever I come across people like this I often see that they think winning is a game. Ultimately though, they are the loser because they will be deeply unpopular.

We have someone like this in our extended family. They always want their own way, and their parents enable it. I’ve had conflict with these people because I sucked it up until I realised what was going on, and it enraged me that this person was so selfish and though they were the sun and we are planets revolving around them.

So now my default setting is “no”, or “crack on, have a great time, we are doing X” or something similar. I don’t give this person an inch. When they’ve not got their own way they’ve sulked or thrown their toys out the pram.

I am of the opinion that people who want their own way are socially stunted, and lacking in empathy because if you had any you’d see that there are other people in the world apart from you.

WRT my own selfish individual, I have very little to do with them and don’t include them in anything. I often say that if there were 8 of us, and 8 slices of pizza, they’d think they were entitled to all 8.

It’s overbearing and draining when someone HAS to have their own way all the time. What about what the other person wants? It makes them feel like their wants/needs/opinion doesn’t matter.

(Perhaps I should add that at the moment I am midst not compromising on a particular - and extremely important - issue, because I do do it, and it is beyond fucking miserable, so this may be colouring my views at present).

So let me give an example. Person A wants to eat Indian takeaway, person B wants to eat Chinese takeaway. Person A says "I don't like Chinese" (they like Chinese fine but their favourite is Indian). Person B likes Indian fine but prefers Chinese. Person B is laid back so says "OK, I like Indian too, we'll have Indian". Then every time Persons A and B get a takeaway, they get Indian because B "likes Indian".

Now imagine this in every aspect of your life. Essentially, Person A is rigid about what they want to do and Person B is more willing/able to compromise. So often there will be a compromise, but that compromise is not really a compromise, it is one person giving way to the stronger will. This happens to me all the time. I will say "what shall we eat?" He'll suggest something - say macaroni cheese. I'll say can't we have something else. He'll say "but you like macaroni cheese". I don't, really, but I don't hate it, so I'll eat it. He never extends the same courtesy to me - eating something he doesn't love but doesn't mind, because if I eat something that means I "like it".

Then apply this to: how you raise your children, where you go on holiday, what leisure activities you participate in, when and how often you see your family, how you celebrate Christmas, what money is spent on. To move the other person on anything involves argument, distress, being told that you are wrong (because there is only ever one right way to do things), sulking and massive upheaval. Because this person has never learnt to compromise. So, it's very easy for things to look like compromises when they are not. Is it abusive? No, I don't think it is. Is it miserable? Yes it is.

I'm sure lots of people are going to think I'm a pathetic wimp. But I am willing to compromise and the dynamic has resulted in a less than ideal situation that I don't - at the moment - know how to improve. If that makes me pathetic, and/or a wimp, then that is what I am.

The real question in the case of you and your DH is whether he CARES or not. So are there lots of times that he would prefer X to happen, but becuase you want Y to happen, he just goes along with it? Or, is it just that actually, he genuinely is quite happy to let it be your way all the time. Because that is what would make you toxic - if he is constantly having to compromise while you never do.

There are loads of things where DH gets his way or I get my way all the time - but those are things that either the other one also wants or that the other one doesn't care about. The number of things where we have to figure out a compromise or one person accepts something they are not happy with is much smaller but generally we manage it because it's not constant - that would be exhausting.

@Globusmedia Depends. My husband probably gets his way most of the time but that's because I'm extremely laid back and rarely have a strong opinion either way - so I often don't really care and am happy to go along with someone who does.
I think this is how women sleepwalk into an arrangement that, down the line, is unacceptable. It starts off with small things, men are so fussy and women don't care as much so it's easier to do things their way. Years later, you look back and wonder how you got to where you are, everything they want comes first, and you realise that you facilitated it. I know, I did it myself until DD became a teenager and my eyes opened, I didn't want her to think this way. Being on MN also "radicalised" me, DH didn't like me being on it as it "gave me ideas" so I continued but hid it from him

That sounds entirely reasonable. It's the people who, as the OP's husband put it, "lose their head" when not getting their own way who are unreasonable. The people who think compromising is equivalent to backing down, or "losing", and take it personally.

Does your having things your way mean your partner feels 1)he doesn't have a say 2)things are done in a way he dislikes?

I have things "my way" a lot. I I ask for inputs early, I am proactive in evaluating options and I take into an account standard preferences of my family and friends (transport, food) - as a result my suggestions often work for everyone.

Part of the reason is that I have lower flexibility in physical sense (lower physical condition, so I can't afford to get lost and double the length of the trip, if food isn't available I need to pack more snacks to be ok), so I see it as putting more work in it to make sure a happy path exists.

My ex had to have his own way all the time it was just awful.
As someone said above its like walking on egg shells in the end.
He became abusive because of it.
He could never be wrong could never say no to him.
I also have a mother that is the same 2 marriages shes ruined and all new partners leave her but its nevelr her fault.
Both throw tantrums and days long arguments and sulking if they cant get there own way.
I havel nothing to do wlith either.

I get my own way all the time but im single and live alone.

It depends on circumstances, but when single,
I will get my own way in absolutely everything, that's why I'm looking forward to it!
What's more abusive is tearing yourself into chunks and giving to others, if it's your time, energy or some stupid compromises.
Almost nobody else will put you first, so you have to do it yourself.
Most people are piss takers and users, and that involves "loved ones".
Boundaries are good.
Unpopular opinion, but very realistic.

That would be fine! I wouldn’t think of it as ‘not getting my way’ though, just a change of plan. Or, if their suggestion didn’t work for me, we would find a compromise.

What would happen if someone spoke up and said, "Actually what I want is the opposite of what you're suggesting"?

I think it's great that you are reflecting on your behaviour and it's especially important if you have been surrounded by toxic people in the past. It shows great maturity and a willingness to actually have healthy relationships. I would say though that I think it's very unusual for narcissists to actually have the awareness to care about how they are coming across. It doesn't mean you don't have some narcissisitc traits but I don't think you sound paticularly toxic, but now that you have identified that you always get your way maybe make an effort to make sure others do too sometimes and see how that makes you feel.

Seems to me like you are overthinking. Why are you looking for there to be a problem with your personality, if there is no actual issue day to day?
’Get my own way’ is quite a childish phrase. I can’t think of times where I ‘haven’t got my own way’ either, because I usually want what is good for those around me as well as what is good for me. I want what works for the group, which is what they want too. I surround myself with similar people. So there is never any conflict or even conversation about who is “getting their own way”.

It's good you are reflecting on this.
I know two women who constantly brag about how their 'hubby does what they want without question, and I always get what I want in the end.
I assume that said hubby is either a massive simp or just does it to keep the peace.
It's not healthy either way.

Fair play to you for reflecting and being honest with yourself. It seems quite unlikely that it just so happens that you always have the best and right ideas so they naturally become the preferred options- has it changed over time? My ex i usually let him have his own way because it was easier- but it wasn't like that until he wore me down.