I’m scared of using new/nice things

Why not start off by using a smaller/cheaoer new nice thing? Be really mindful about it: enjoy how it looks, how you feel when you wear it, what it smells like or whatever. Then tell yourself that you are with it, you deserve to have nice things.

What would you advise a friend in this situation?

It's definitely deep seated from my mum and I can relate to this.

I do like to have nice things and try to use them

I am a bit slobby at home as I don't want to mess my clothes up

My mum used to be a bit like this. I remember as a kid on several occasions she got in treat food like a pineapple (we were not well off and it was expensive for a bit of fruit) and it would sit in the pantry until it rotted because it was never a good enough occasion to eat it.

It drove me potty and made me the opposite! But overall she didn’t waste much in life and while she could have enjoyed some of the nice things she “saved”, she prioritised making things last in a way that meant we went without much less than we might have done if she had been more free with things.

If you want to change, OP, then some suggestions:
-Once a week/month/whatever time frame works, buy something new and nice for a particular occasion that’s just about to happen (like dinner that night, or going out with friends that weekend, or a hobby you have a class for) and use it.
-Rotate your “best”, e.g. your “best” outfit that you’re saving, buy a new “best” outfit and start wearing the old one. Make the decision for how long to leave before retiring a “best” outfit on your financial situation, but don’t let it be so long the old one is no longer nice.
-Go cold turkey. One weekend, go through all the things you’re saving and use them. then use them again next weekend. If you find yourself avoiding using something because you’re saving it for best, make yourself use it the next weekend.

Nice crockery looks dated and our children never get the chance to say "I remember my mum had a teapot like that!" because it never comes out of the dresser.

That really resonates. There are 4 of us and not one of us wanted the Vallauris crockery that had sat unused in a dresser since the 1950s. It was dated and held no memories for us. We kept about one thing each. They were all things we remembered our mum using. Her trifle bowl, her rolling pin, a tiny bud vase - things like that.

My husband and I got married in the 90s - when you still went to (eg) Seldridges and compiled a wedding registry. We have used and broken every posh glass, have barely a bit of the original dinner service left. I think the only breakable wedding gift we still have is a butter dish.

Use and enjoy the stuff!

Definitely. I do this too. My father was a gambler and we had very little money in the family when I was growing up.

I still use the back of post office till receipts rather than 'break into' my nice notepads that I've been given. I have so many notepads, so many perfumes, so many slippers, so many, so many - and it's really sad.

I feel so badly for all of us that feel we can't use our lovely things; maybe 2025 is the year that I start?

My theory regarding this is that for some it stems from not having much growing up or their primary caregivers attitude of not having much when growing up and then inadvertently passing it down.

I definitely used to do this and even now I have moments of not wanting to wear or use something.

@Wavescrashingonthebeach that really struck a cord with me. Thank you for sharing.

I’m terrible for not using nice things but am trying to get better at it. I was bought some expensive hand soap and hand cream for Xmas 2023 and I’ve just forced myself to open it and start using it. I’ve also started using my nice wine glasses that I was keeping for best, but, even though we entertain a lot, “best” never arrived.

DH bought me some boots for Xmas which I wore for the first time today, just to go to the supermarket. In the past, I’d have been telling myself to save them for a better occasion (even though they are casual boots), then it summer would have around so it would have been too warm to wear them, so it would end up being the following autumn before I wore them. It’s so silly but I find it so difficult!

I used to be like that, what changed me was realising that a lot of my nice clothes that I was saving for best I actually didn't like any more after a few years (or they were completely out of style), and I'd never got to wear them. That's a much worse waste of money than wearing the thing and loving it, and one day wearing it out/ruining it. Everything has a shelf life-enjoying it as soon as you buy it makes you get the most value out of it. You need to think what's the worst that can happen, I wear my expensive coat a few times and spill something on it? Most likely won't be ruined, and at least I'll have enjoyed it rather than it sitting in a cupboard.

Also when you save something for best, when is that? When does this 'best' occasion arise? Chances are you'll want to buy something new for then anyway as the thing you're saving will be old in your mind even if you've never worn it.

As for nice household things, use the lovely candles/ duvet cover/ cutlery now because you'll love it, why should we not have a bit of luxury every day? Today can be 'best' if you're using the nice stuff! Put a bit of 'best' into your daily life, it'll be fun :)

On a related note, whenever I was planning to lose a bit of weight I'd wear my old baggy clothes until I'd achieved it, waited to get a nice haircut etc. because I didn't want to 'waste' the nice clothes and hair on a sub-standard me. But then I realised I actually found it easier to reach the goals if I was making an effort to look decent- a kind of fake it till you make it approach, rather than slum it till you make it, which doesn't motivate you. I guess in both cases it's a matter of using all available resources to look/feel good, rather than shelving them for later.

Just my two pennies' worth! I hope you start enjoying your lovely things.

I used to be a bit like this (I blame a Presbyterian upbringing), but on turning 40, decided life was short and fuck it.

I wear a £3.5k watch every day, because I love it. I turn the Friday night Chinese takeaway out onto the 'good' plates. I've got an open fire burning at 6.45pm on a school night (but in my defence it IS cold). I buy cashmere socks and wear them to WfH, because they're cosy and soft.

As we say up my way, 'there's no pockets in a shroud'.

I'm the opposite, if I don't use something I've bought, I feel overwhelming guilt. I can't bear the thought of anything going to waste.

Life is short, wear your nice clothes and use your nice things. It will impact positively on your self esteem too. At the risk of sounding like a L'Oréal advert, you're worth it.

Yes I can relate to this. Bought nice Skechers shoes 3 months ago and kept putting off wearing them. Now I am wearing them ....but there is a lingering feeling that they are 'too good for me'. I'm sure it's about low self esteem ...I'm 67 and still think of myself as 'less than'. (How stupid!)

When someone gifts me something nice I put myself in the mindset that they gave me it to treat myself and would be disappointed to think it sat there rotting because I kept it “for good”. If I buy something nice I think about how long I worked to earn the money to buy it, only for it to sit doing nothing.

My exDH bought me a lovely pair of leather gloves for Christmas which I’ve worn every time I leave the house - even if I’m just walking the dog. They’re really nice, and were a thoughtful gift (he remembered me saying I’d lost a pair. It would be hurtful to him not to wear them.

My house isn’t a museum, things are there to be used and if they get lost or broken then such is life. They could get broken anyway, and I wouldn’t have had the pleasure of using them.

Agree! It's just stuff and its value lies in what it does for you. It will not bring you joy sitting in a cupboard. And actually some of it will go off, be that expiring, going out of style your tastes changing etc. Instead of telling yourself you are being good keeping it, say you are being good using it. By all means don't use your favourite plate every day if mixing it up means you appreciate it more but use it! And it it breaks you got your years out of it, more years than if it sat in a cupboard doing nothing. I try to make a conscious effort to use things and tell myself 'this is why I bought it'.

And that flask? What's the worst that can happen? You use it so much it wears out? Great. It was clearly useful in your life so you can buy a replacement. Or put it on your Christmas list.

This was me for most of my life. I think it was due to not having much money growing up and through life in general. I also felt like I didn’t deserve nice things due to toxic parents putting me down. It’s only been in the last year or so (I’m 49) that I’ve started to loosen up. I would keep anything nice, clothes, makeup, perfumes basically anything was for a nice or better occasion. I’m a SAHM so the thought of putting a nice top on to do the school run just didn’t compute.

I don’t know when the switch flicked, I think it was when I found myself getting rid of things that I never used but would have loved to have.

Today I did the school run in my nice black top, my new arran scarf and hat and my lovely Givenchy perfume. I was out of the house an hour and half max, but I felt nice, every day now is a reason to treat myself to something nice.

I hope you find a way to start enjoying nice things everyday.

My mum died having lived her whole life like this. The expensive china, cutlery, crystal stemware - never used. Nice make up, toiletries, clothes - all in drawers never used.

She wore knitwear until it disintegrated, mended slippers and darned socks. She used ancient, often broken, cookware. Even her umbrellas and handbags were mended.

it made me sad. All that lovely stuff she didn’t enjoy. She died in the first lockdown too, so much of it had to be dumped.

My parents were like that, dressed in shabby clothes while the good ones were in plastic covers in the cupboard. Slept in worn out sheets, furniture covered up to protect it from dust and sunlight, or the curtains kept shut to "keep the light out".

We now use the once hallowed silver cutlery for everyday meals, sleep on fabulous linen sheets which were given as wedding presents in the 50s but never used. If I am given, for example, lovely bubble bath I will use it. Life is too short to hoard nice things.

I used to until I read this poem:

If I Had My Life To Live Over
by Erma Bombeck

The following was written by the late Erma Bombeck
after she found out she had a fatal disease.

If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and listened more. I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the ‘good’ living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television – and more while watching life.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.”

There would have been more “I love you’s”… More “I’m sorrys” …

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute … look at it and really see it … live it … and never give it back.

Oh, my … There it was. The “pink candle sculpted like a rose” that I’ve had “forever” — and never burned. I don’t even know where I got it; it was most likely in an auction box from the estate of someone else who never burned it! I do know that while I’ve had it I’ve lived in at least three different residences in two states. And never burned it …
It was time for that to change! Right then, I pulled out a favorite doily and placed it on my dining table.

I was coming to say the same.

When we cleared our my in-laws place we found so much stuff unused. Some were wedding presents! Glasses, china, cutlery. A lot of it we passed to charity shops, but it did make me think about my stuff.

We kept their "best" china, but only on the proviso I could use it.

I can kind of see why previous generations did take so much care, there was less disposable income and less opportunity to buy.

But the reality is I would rather use stuff and enjoy it, and if it gets broken along the way then so be it, rather than it sits in a cupboard until after I die and a complete stranger gets the benefit at a knock down price!

I don't know why I can't use it.

I do - it's because

I grew up poor and hungry a lot of the time, so In the back of my mind, I feel like I'll be really poor again one day, so no point in using or eating nice things.

Because your belief (that you'll be poor again) only applies to you it doesn't hinder you buying lovely things for others.

This is lovely. I'm going to save this, if you don't mind, for those moments when those nasty intrusive thoughts decide to wreak havoc! Beautifully put.

Thought I was alone in feeling like this- result of poverty in childhood, I think. I kept a new dress for best, as a child, and grew too big to wear it!

I have this at the moment - I need a trouser suit for some events coming up but know that if I buy something too nice I will keep it like some pristine relic.
I'm thinking of getting something very comfortable/oversized and then wearing it in day to day life to break this habit.

Everything deteriorates, even things we keep safely packaged, preciously wrapped and stored. Accidents happen, and things get damaged, how disappointing to have never given these things the chance to be admired, used, and wondered at even for a single day/outing.

Expensive make up, toiletries and perfume goes off and smells different/changes colour.

Clothes/bedding/nice towels get moth eaten and fade.

Nice crockery looks dated and our children never get the chance to say "I remember my mum had a teapot like that!" because it never comes out of the dresser.

All of our precious items will just become clutter for someone to pick over, sort out and dispose of when we are long gone. They won't know the thought, care and expense that went into its purchase, but you know it's value. If the item gives you 1 hour or 10 years of pleasure and sparks joy when you use it, then you should absolutely use it, wear it, enjoy it.

Everything is ephemeral, (even us) in the grand scheme of things.

Yes, my DM is like this - the product of a very austere childhood. I've trained myself not to do the same, and find Nora Ephron's ' Always use the good bath oil' quote helpful; life is short, and it's only 'stuff', so use it and enjoy it while you can.