Lovely friend who always changes plans at last minute.

You sound lovely, she doesn’t (sorry).
She clearly thinks her time and what she wants trumps yours. She’s very selfish.

Years ago I had a friend who was always late, as in an hour or more. I’d pick her up and be sat outside her house and she would then text me and say “I’m just getting ready”. I did confront her eventually and it turned out she was just lazy and procrastinated. It put a stop to it, she was still late but more 10/15 mins!

The question isn't are you being unreasonable
You clearly are not

The question is why are you being a doormat ?

And don't put yourself down.

Do you not have many other friends or much of a busy life so that you allow her to run you around like this? Whatever answer that is, you know it's wrong she's a piss taker. Try to stick to your guns more often and see what happens. And I like others have said, let her book and pay her own way.

Agree with some other comments, if you enjoy her company when you do see her I would concentrate on only going for a casual lunch or coffee/a walk. Don’t book any expensive tickets or events that you wouldn’t want to go to alone, still see her but just keep it casual, nothing that is pre booked.

Has she paid you for the £30 tickets? if not she's a twat and you need to never agree to anything that might cost money upfront, or if it's her suggestion, why isn't she paying? I'd be very annoyed she's costing you money, real friends don't do that. She's pulled out and spoilt your plans for the evening which is really not great is it?

Are you afraid you'll lose her friendship if you challenge her? Or afraid she'll get arsy with you?

This. Good work on pushing back about the latest arrangements. One thing: don't ever book and pay for tickets for anything with her again. If she suggests it, say 'You book, because every other time you've cancelled and I've lost money'.

Have you really never talked to her about this? I would be piss-taking her about what she was going to change long ago. Did you have friends like this growing up and have you just got into the habit of always being the flexible one? If so, its unfair on you and she's a bitch for taking you for granted.

The changing times for a coffee I could perhaps take, but the letting you down by not going to something you’ve bought tickets for at the last minute is really bad. You should have told her how much it upset you, how much you were looking forward to it and how let down you feel by her. Don’t let her treat you like this. Don’t book anything else you really want to do with her, and if she suggests something tell her you couldn’t trust her to not let you down so you’re not going with her. Let her realise her actions have consequences.

Fuck that noise. Good for you, sticking up for yourself and your preferences. I'm a total people pleaser but this is off the hook ridiculous. Her changes in plans aren't for genuine reasons, there's definitely some sort of game/power play that I just couldn't get on board with. After a point, I know for a fact I'd drift away from this person. I do find change very very difficult but will adapt to suit a friends genuine need. But this game, absolutely not.

Listen to your gut and your true feelings. If you want to change to the new plan, go for it. But if you don't, just don't and tell her like you have done today. Don't apologise if you can't change plans.

I think I'd have to ask her about it some time..

Just don’t answer the text/phone requests for a time change and see what happens?

💯

I think it is a control thing.
Or a type of PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) or similar.

If the proposed change doesn't bother you, let her have her own way, e.g. a change from 12.00 to 12.30.
If it inconveniences you in any way, just say no, and give her the option of sticking to the original plan or cancelling altogether.

Op I don't think we have the full story here...how do you treat your friend? Is there a reason she's flaky or cancels? Are you hard work? I ask because I have a friend who always accuses our mutual friend of flaking on her but it's because she's so draining and miserable. She's really good at making herself sound lovely and saying she doesn't know why so and so has cancelled again but has drama and problems in her life every single day with someone. On total reflection are things exactly as you describe them?

Is she testing you? It's like a power move? As if she always has to be the one in control and she seeing how much she can push plans around before you dig your heels in? Very annoying.

I'm actually quite surprised by the poll outcome. Lately on here everyone is out for themselves and very much 'don't do it if you don't want to'.

The occasional change is fine. Changing every time seems like a power play or that she really dies not value your time, convenience or opinion. Changing something which is booked and paid for is downright rude.

I think I'd be unavailable for changes other than a slight time adjustment, maybe 30 mins.

God very tiring op. Had this too with one friend. I stick to coffees now. Cinema I meet her there buy our own. One time I was driving and she suggested another eating place but I said ah we just stick to booking. Its quite hard work meeting her and never on time!

I agree with this.

It is always what she is feeling, with no room given for you to express your preference.

Maybe look at it that lovely as she is, she isn’t respecting you or your time.
If it was my friend I would have to subtly “re-educate” her.
”I can make lunch tomorrow that we scheduled, I can’t change to earlier, so lets re-book for next week instead then”
And firmly fix a time and venue. Let her know that you are working it around your other commitments for that day.

It’s not a little selfish, it’s a lot selfish. She doesn’t sound lovely, she sounds really self-centered with zero consideration of your time, money or feelings. I’d actually call her out on it and see how she reacts. She sounds entirely absorbed with her own wants and needs, and is using you as a back up plan until she decides what she actually wants to do.

Does she offer to pay back for tickets to events she has cancelled? Funny how she lets you make the bookings.
Is there any mental health reasons for her cancelling last minute? Caring responsibilities that might affect her availablity?

What would happen if you said “Mary, I’ve just checked and you’ve changed 19 of our last plans. I’m finding it frustrating that you always have to change things”?