Lovely friend who always changes plans at last minute.

She sounds like she is controlling your relationship OP . Friends aren't like that to each other.

Get a few rules in place to stop this.
If it involves any tickets or cost she pays up front otherwise you don't book it. If she changes her mind at the last minute for other things (e.g. breakfast instead if lunch) I'd just reply "Sorry I can't make that, I'll have to cancel if we change timings". She may get the message after a few times. If not then start to double confirm plans when you book "just double confirming you can do x, y and z on date/time because you changed ot last time and I had to rearrange stuff".

I have a sister just like that ... I suspect it's deliberate and controlling on your friend's part, for whatever reason. Don't play her games, step back a wee bit and see how she reacts.

I suspect that she changes plans because she doesn’t think them through properly at the outset, or something in her life changes, such as a better offer or something else that she wants to do as well or instead. So then comes to the day and in an entirely selfish way she tweaks it to suit herself so that she can have her cake and eat it.. BECAUSE you have never given her any indication that this isn’t fine with you.

She probably thinks that you are the most adaptable and flexible friend and that you are easy-going and really don’t care whether or not she changes your plans.

If you don’t tell her then how is she ever to know?

It’s up to you to tell her OP. She’s being disrespectful but you are allowing her to treat you this way. And by not speaking up, you are giving her the impression that her behaviour is fine with you.

You sound lovely by the way, but she will respect you more if you tell her. Get on your big girl pants as it were ..

She doesn't sound lovely; she sounds like a selfish, flaky PITA with no thought for how her actions affect others.

Of course she is a lovely friend, you are going along with everything that she wants. How lovely would she be if challenged to pay you back for every event you paid for that she then fobbed off at the last minute? I think you need to widen your friendship circle a bit OP, when you find people that treat you kindly, as you do them, this one friend won't hold so much importance for you anymore.

Going forward I would be messaging her "I am going to X event at Y time, if you fancy it?" and then do it whether she flakes or not. No more changing plans for her, she attends or she doesn't but no more costing you time and money.

Well she doesn't sound lovely but if she's a true friend to you you need to tell her how changing plans massively affects your anxiety

Only you know her, but she doesn't sound nice to me.
Ditching you an hour before a concert you paid for - very not nice.

Absolute NO WAY. She is a flaky CF. I would be dropping her like a hot brick.

Defo this. Make her have the financial consequences of her flakiness - not you!

and d-nt always be available for her change of mind plan.

“No i can’t make breakfast but can still do lunch as planned”

She's not a lovely friend, she's a selfish CF. Next time she wants to change plans about where you go, refuse. See what happens. If she cancels things you've paid for insist on her giving you the money. You say you love her dearly? She doesn't love you dearly, she loves herself.

I think she actually doesn’t want to see you but doesn’t know how to say that. It sounds like she dreads these meet ups.

For some insight -

I used to be a flaky friend - not a late canceller but late arrival or late changes. I changed about 25 years ago (very early 20s) It is weird when I look back to before that; I just thought it was ok. My dsis was always and still is outrageously late and I thought I was fine. When my fitness made pointed weary remarks I'd make a joke and change the subject.

I had one friend Susan who didn't tolerate it. She was not connected to my other friends and a little older. Interactions would go like this

Me "hey! Looking forward to seeing you. Can we push back to 7pm as I'm caught up with something here"
Her "Not really. I was already hanging on in work for our 6pm meeting so another hour doesn't suit me. We can leave it for another time."
Me "no, sorry! I'll be there asap, is 6.20 ok?"
Her "yes but no later please. I'll meet you at the venue"

Similar happened twice or possibly three times in our friendship and then I simply knew to never treat Susan like this. I then stopped treating anyone like this. In later years I began to reflect on why I had ever thought it was fine to leave people hanging around and justifying their inconvenience with my stupid excuses.

I think you should have some stock phrases for your friend eg.

"No that doesn't suit as I've a busy day today. We can meet up another time."
"I'll let you book the tickets as I don't want to be left at a loose end on a Friday night again"

As an aside, I assume she paid for HER tickets at least? Not that that excuses anything.

She's filed you in her head as a friend its ok to change plans with. You need to change that perception.

If she suggests a meet up which involves booking or pre-paying then she needs to sort that aspect out and you give her the money when you are at the event so you're not out of pocket again. Does she give you what she owes you or are you left trying to give away her ticket which you've paid for?

The changing plans, ie lunch to breakfast at short notice, and it always being her suggestion or preference - only you know how much it bothers you.

i have clicked, based on the OP, that YABU and the reason is clear when i got to your 2nd post.

this is the catch-all mumsnet excuse: "oh i'm a people pleaser"

I get it, it is hard. But you are a grown woman who earns her own money. Just say "no i prefer to stick to our original plan" and then go alone if she wants to mess you around. Don't buy her tickets for anything unless she gives you the money in advance. None of this is hard, i get it is harder for a "people pleaser" but you can't have it both ways. Either you continue to be messed around and lump it, or you put a stop to it (gradually, doesn't have to be all at once). You can't put up with it AND moan about it.

I would suggest starting slowly and gently. First off: no paying money out in advance. Stick to that. You could introduce this in stages of you get the tickets as usual but she gives you the money 5 days in advance or you get someone else to buy it off you. Would that work? Going to gigs alone isn't as awful as you think it is going to be, honestly. Then gradually ramp up to "no i have arranged my other plans around our original arrangements" and either she goes along with it or she doesn't.

More difficult, i think: try to widen your friendship circle.

I’d never book anything pre paid again with her and if she kept changing plans from day dinner to lunch I would cancel and say that wasn’t the plan and I’m doing something else at that time.

Stop going along with it.

I find this incredibly annoying. Just say no sorry that won't work for me. Shall we just cancel. Totally inconsiderate. Not flakey.

Great well done!

ok next step is finding activities that you can do without her or other slightly overpowering friends. Find your people. Then friends like this will matter less and you can take back some control and confidence

You sound lovely.
Her definitely not so much.
I would think being caught for unpaid tickets, completely unacceptable.
Perhaps let her organise and pay for things going forward.
You sound like a lovely friend to a very self absorbed person.

It sounds like you're being used a bit

Do you pay for these lunches /breakfast / ,
Coffees /outings?

Or is it taking it turns /pay for what your have ordered separately.

She is kind of not valuing you/ your time and money.
You say it isn't about money lost, but really, there is no respect for your time and money spent.

Congratulations OP on making the first steps!
Next time text her that 12.30 is ok but you will still need to leave at 14.30 as was planned initially as you have an appointment/ need to be at home for a delivery / need to catch a particular bus. Then put alarm on your mobile on and leave at agreed time. I don’t know why your friend behaves like this but you basically need to train her to be more considerate of others, in particular you.
Saying this don’t be petty and do rearrange if she has urgent medical appointment, her car is broken, her cat is lost or whatever similar AND you can make a new time/ place easily.
Flexibility is ok but cheeky fuckery is not.

I have a friend who sounds very similar. She too is absolutely lovely. But she’ll plan things and then get anxious about them, or something will crop up. And then there’s always a huge drama around it which ends up being bloody stressful and usually involves me running around trying to change/get credit for tickets. So I’ve got a bit hard hearted now and I just don’t plan those sorts of things with her any more. Coffee? Absolutely. Lunch, somewhere you can turn up on the day and don’t need a reservation many moons in advance? Great. But I won’t suggest or agree to do anything involving theatre/concert tickets any more, or make elaborate dinner plans. I think a similar approach might work for you here. Just accept that you won’t have a firm plan, but be prepared to stand your ground with “lunch doesn’t work for me” or whatever.

I have to like someone very much to put up with this. It sounds as if you do like your friend very much, so I'd go for damage limitation. Never book any tickets in advance. Try to arrange any day when you're seeing her so that it's easy to make last minute changes without upsetting other plans. Fell free to say you can't make it if her changes are inconvenient, but calmly.

I am a little bit flakey (nothing like as bad as your friend though!) and for me it is about control, unfortunately. There's a feeling that I need everything to be optimised, so 12 might change to 12.30 so that I can take the most efficient transport without being early or late/fit in an errand on the way/be back in time to go for a run before dark... Obviously it's a pretty selfish pov so you need to push back.