Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I have to go? How far do you go to please other people?

61 replies

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:04

Hi everyone.

My new year's resolution was to say no to things I don't want to do, and stop being a people pleaser. But sometimes we have to do things we don't want to, because it's the right thing to do, don't we?

I have a group of friends who I have known for the last 40 years. We rarely speak anymore, and are probably friends because we've been friends for so long, rather than having anything in common. Life seems to have got in the way and we've grown apart. However, we've always been to each others wedding, special birthdays, and made an effort for the big life events.

One of the group is having a big birthday later this year. She asked last year re our availability and we all confirmed, and she has booked a weekend away for us. The thing is, I really don't want to go. I'd rather be at home with my family. In the past when I've spent time with this group I've often come away feeling bad about myself in some way. In addition, my DS has now qualified for a big sporting event that we would have attended as a family. And I'd much rather go to that.

I know that if I don't go, the friendship will probably be over. I think I'm going because I don't want people to talk badly of me if I don't?

How do you know when you should say no to things you don't want to do, and when do you just push through and do them because you know you'd been unreasonable not to?

Yabu = your friend has always made an effort for you and you should return the favour
Yanbu = it's ok to back out and not do something you don't want to do

OP posts:
Original poster
ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:23

FrenchandSaunders · 06/01/2025 16:17

I started reading this thinking it would be a shame to let these friendships go, with all your shared history etc. But then the bit about you coming away feeling bad about yourself ..... def don't go OP. Friends should do the opposite to that.

Thank you. I can't even pinpoint why I come away feeling bad. I can feel like I'm not as fun, or interesting, or respected as the rest of them, and can feel a bit like an outsider. Maybe I'm only invited because we've always all done things together, rather than being wanted there. But, that could just be me projecting and not the reality - I don't know. In any event, I do know I'm not feeling overjoyed at the idea of spending time with them. I don't have a lot of friends, and I think I'm actually ok with that. I like my little bubble of my family. Maybe that's sad in itself and I should broaden my horizons and make more effort!

OP posts:
username299 · 06/01/2025 16:23

It's a difficult one. Are people going to have to pay more if you back out? If so, I'd pay what I owe and not go.

It looks like the friendship has come to an end anyway, especially if you come away feeling bad.

ETA A great stock phrase when caught of guard is: "I'll think about it and let you know."

Tiredofallthis101 · 06/01/2025 16:22

I'd think a bit more deeply about what it is that leaves you feeling bad coming out of these things. Is it just that your friends' circumstances are different to yours for example, versus are your friends being catty to you? This would affect my approach. If the friends weren't really friends I'd just give your excuses and not worry about it. If they are really friends and you want to keep the friendship going I'd suck it up and go.

lola006 · 06/01/2025 16:22

Is DS’s event the same weekend as the birthday weekend? I just can’t imagine anyone being pissed off that a parent would want to chose their child’s big event over a weekend getaway, especially with a fair amount of notice (you say it’s later this year so I assume sometime from spring onward?).

Just message her privately and say you’re so sorry but DS’s has qualified for a big event and you really need to be there to support and cheer him on.

FrenchandSaunders · 06/01/2025 16:17

I started reading this thinking it would be a shame to let these friendships go, with all your shared history etc. But then the bit about you coming away feeling bad about yourself ..... def don't go OP. Friends should do the opposite to that.

Original poster
ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:17

I was expecting an absolute roasting so the first few replies have given me food for thought. Yes I'd still pay for my place - it's not the cost that's an issue, it's just that I really don't want to go. I do struggle with being a people pleaser and should have just made a suitable excuse or said no as soon as I was invited.

OP posts:
Michellesbackbrace · 06/01/2025 16:14

i know that if I don't go, the friendship will probably be over

Surely that’s a win-win then considering you don’t actually want to hang out with these people?

You have outgrown the friendship and that’s ok. Just say “sorry, an important sports event of ds’s has come up on the same date that I can’t miss” - any “friend” who took umbrage at that and cuts you off really isn’t a real friend anyway.

You sound like a people pleaser who struggles with saying no - if you can find the courage to do this more often you will find it really liberating, life is far too short to spend whole weekends with people you’re really not keen on.

TeeBee · 06/01/2025 16:13

Presumably you'd still pay for your place if you don't go as you already confirmed you were going. In which case, they'll get more space. I'd just apologise and say you now need to go and support your son. If they break the friendship over something so inconsequential, it wasn't a friendship worth worrying about.

rookiemere · 06/01/2025 16:08

It sounds like you have outgrown this particular group of friends, so yes I do think it's a bit rude to pull out when dates were checked and confirmed, but maybe it's the most natural way for you to bow out of a group that isn't making you happy any more.

FanofLeaves · 06/01/2025 16:08

Have you already paid? How much commitment have you made in going?

I am all for celebrating friends’ birthdays etc and do make the effort but I’d be annoyed if I had to give over a whole weekend to do it with someone else dictating the venue and location, so I’d decline. I wouldn’t go if I was going to be resentful and regret being there.

needapokerface · 06/01/2025 16:07

It's an invitation not a summons, just message and say you will be unable to attend but hopes she has a lovely weekend.

Swipe left for the next trending thread