Do I have to go? How far do you go to please other people?

That is fantastic advice!!

ShelfyElfy25
I think you've hit the nail on the head here. It's the idea of someone else being disappointed or annoyed with me that I can't manage.

I totally get that - and this situation is forcing you to do that

You either disappoint your friend, or your son and yourself

There is no way out of it this time so look at us as a gift - you have not choice about the disappointment happening - just who gets it

Do it. First time is the hardest but it will get easier from now

But you're OK with disappointing your son by not supporting him at his sports event?

You gotta re-think your priorities.

People you don't even like that much shouldn't be treated as more important than your son.

Agreed this is the perfect way of handling it.

Serve them a shit sandwich. ‘I’m terribly sorry friend, I was looking forward to our get together (yes, you can fib if you want), however DS has now qualified for this major sporting event so I’m afraid I’ll have to cancel in order to attend with DS. Naturally, I’ll still pay for my share as it’s not fair to expect everyone else to cover my share.’

Friendships don't have to last a lifetime. Many come to a natural end because the friends no longer have very much in common. And we all have limited time, so there is a ceiling on the number of genuinely meaningful relationships anyone can have.

It's great to have that realisation because now it's something you can work on if you want to. It's so freeing to learn to be OK with others thinking badly of you, it can be life changing. It won't turn you into an evil selfish witch, I promise.

Be proud of yourself op. This is the first steps for stopping people pleasing! Make an excuse and enjoy your family time. If they make you feel down and bad about yourself then they aren't the friends for you

Does it matter if they talk badly about you? Will that have any impact on your life?

Here's your people pleasing, OP - I can hear it right here! Don't lose your nerve!

And if you can learn to be OK with awkwardness you will have a super power that will serve you well for the rest of your life - if you live your life unable to tolerate awkwardness or other people's disappointment you will lose yourself completely.

Of course it's OK to give your apologies for this event! Given that you have another event that you truly want to go to, it's the perfect opportunity to practice saying no thank you and tolerating the thought that someone might be disappointed or annoyed with you. You can do it!

Usually I would say no - you've made the commitment (even though you didn't really want to!) so should honour it

However - you did not know about your DS qualifying for the event at the time, and you have said you are happy to pay for your place so no-one is out of pocket
In these specific circumstances I think you are fine to say 'apologies I won't be able to join you, but it's because my son has had fabulous surprise news and he will be competing XYZ. I will of course still cover the cost of my place and hope you all have a lovely time'

Then send her a nice birthday gift & enjoy the event supporting your son
I would have no problem at all with a friend who did this - people who flake for no reason - yes, but friends who are supporting their kids on a special occasion - no

Go this time but refuse any other invitations

If an invite feels like a summons then I've started say no. Speaking as a former people pleaser!

Do a Phoebe.

Its lovely when you stop doing things you don't want to do.

You have the perfect excuse, it is totally OK to prioritise supporting your DS at his event, no question.
If you make sure others aren't losing out cost wise and you still send a card/gift messages to the bday person you are totally fine imo.
Of course it's also OK to just not want to but that is much more difficult to explain, so saying no when you have an excellent reason is a good starter no for you 🤣

Personally I don’t think you should have accepted in the first place.

Which makes it trickier to back out - I think saying no initially would have been fine but now it does make you look bad.

At the moment you think you will go but not enjoy it. Take a day or two imagining you are not going and see how you feel. Is it relief or are you drowning in guilt? If not going makes you feel guilty then accept that your presence brings something positive to the group. If you didn't know about your DS sporting event when the date was confirmed you have a valid reason for pulling out. If you don't care about continuing the friendships then it doesn't matter if they're disappointed. Don't believe you have to have a large number of friends to be happy.

It might depend on the size of the group, if there's only 3 of you then not going will make more difference than to a crowd of 13.

Whether you go or don't it sounds like there is going to be discomfort, so choose which discomfort you want - the discomfort of letting them down by bailing after it's been booked, or the discomfort of the whole weekend being there (which I'm reading as you trying to avoid the former discomfort)

People pleasing is attempting to avoid the discomfort of letting others down, so we choose to let ourselves down instead.

With the greatest of respect, you’re not the main character in their lives and I suspect for the most part they don’t actually care they much whether you turn up or not - in so far as it will have a minimal impact on their enjoyment of the weekend. They might, as you say, not want to continue a friendship on those terms, but you don’t want to continue a friendship on current terms so that shouldn’t be too big of a deal.

If I were you I’d say that DS’ sporting event date has been confirmed and it clashes so you can no longer make it, that you hope they have a good time and you will still pay your share. I’d have no issue with one of my friend saying that.

Caveat: I am not a people pleaser.

Absolutely this.

Your sons big sporting event comes first.

I don't do one single thing I don't want to unless it's something for my children which they need or want to attend. No way would I go to this event. Sounds like hell.

If you've already agreed it's shitty to back out. Go this time and then say no at the start for future invitations.

Its ok to say no to an event! It doesn’t mean “the relationship is over” and it doesn’t mean they are abd people who you are rejecting—or that you are a bad person because you didn’t enjoy some previous event.

One of the reasons you feel you suffer from being a people pleaser is you overvalue the significance of both your yes and your no. Sometimes we say no! Its not the end of the world. Sometimes we say tes—its not a grand accolade.

Just choose what works for you. Those who matter won’t mind, those who mind don’t matter.