Page 5 | DH said I was cruel and fat shamed him

DucksonthePondQuack · 2025-01-06T15:04:13+00:00

weather was terrible this morning so suggested that we take DS somewhere although I offered to just take him alone as DH was working tomorrow. Planned on taking him to a duck pond and around a little garden centre. I suggested we get DS a McDonald’s afterwards and DH blew up saying that I’m obsessed with takeaways (I’m not, I don’t like them) and that DS is overweight and I’m forcing fast food down his throat etc. Also that we cannot afford to keep spending money all the time (we wouldn’t have had any food, just DS) I responded that DH was “the king of takeaways” he used to be obsessed with them. For context DH has massively overhauled his diet in the last year and has lost tons of weight, he looks like a different person now. He said what I said was very cruel and nasty especially as I know how he’s struggled with his diet and weight. Was I out of order? I apologised but he said I’ve got a lot of making up to do but what I said was in response to him saying I was obsessed with takeaways. DH also has a takeaway once a week, I’m not keen on them but he enjoys having a treat once a week. He spends a lot of money every week and it felt like he was begrudging DS one small treat. AIBU? Did I fat shame him?

DowntonBlabbie · 06/01/2025 16:29

DucksonthePondQuack · 06/01/2025 16:02

He’s touchy. Little situations end up with us fighting and sometimes I have no clue how we got there? If that makes sense?

For example-our back garden is full of rubbish/old bits of wood and he’s been saying for months that we need to call someone out to get rid of it all. I organised for a man to pick it up next week and he blew up again because I hadn’t discussed it with him first, where do I think we will get the money from and that I had gone behind his back. Told him we didn’t have to go through with it and I could cancel etc. Told him that taking it to the tip was free and his response? Learn to drive and I can take it to the tip myself then.

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Ok, we can see what the problem is.

He's a dickhead.

Original poster

DucksonthePondQuack · 06/01/2025 16:28

pikkumyy77 · 06/01/2025 16:25

Ok he is like a dry drunk: he controls his addiction by rigidly keeping to his self imposed schedule of restrictions (salad during the week) and treats (expensive take away)—this is nothing more than a successful eating disorder combining restriction with bingeing. Your “offer” of mcd for your son (in his mind) threatened his ritual in two ways :it challenged his dominance over money/treats and it reminded him that he was technically in his restricting phase.

I agree with that. He binges on his treat day - a takeaway, all takeaway leftovers, one tub of Ben and Jerries ice cream, a whole sponge cake, pastries, Cornettos, Oreo ice creams. Just an insane amount of food in one go. He binges. I’ve tried talking to him about eating normally everyday-for example eating a lasagna or pasta bake, enjoying the odd treat but he’s a person of extremes.

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Daisyvodka · 06/01/2025 16:27

It sounds like he's struggling to join the dots on his spending and is worried about money in general tbh, my ex got a bit like this, he'd stress about money for one off purchases but would buy lunch every day. Eventually we sat down and went through our accounts to add up what we were spending on certain areas (you can get apps that do this, but we did it manually) and he was shocked how much he was spending on lunch, it was like his brain categorised it as 'essential' and therefore not a real spend, whereas one offs like a takeaway he just saw the £££ - going through our accounts together and both making individual and joint goals really helped.
However yes, I do see his point worrying about your DS being overweight - it sounds like he's worried DS will continue to be overweight and go through the same struggles he has as an adult, and isn't expressing that well at ALL. So maybe a chat when you've calmed down from the perspective of 'i want to understand your worries and make sure we have a joined up approach' sort of thing?

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 06/01/2025 16:27

Both blow ups have been over spending. How well do you know the family finances? Could there be debt you don't know about?

pikkumyy77 · 06/01/2025 16:25

Ok he is like a dry drunk: he controls his addiction by rigidly keeping to his self imposed schedule of restrictions (salad during the week) and treats (expensive take away)—this is nothing more than a successful eating disorder combining restriction with bingeing. Your “offer” of mcd for your son (in his mind) threatened his ritual in two ways :it challenged his dominance over money/treats and it reminded him that he was technically in his restricting phase.

thescandalwascontained · 06/01/2025 16:24

You didn't fat shame him; he's internalised that himself and twisted into something he's feeling about himself.

Take aways are expensive, though. For him to be blowing up at the occasional McDs treat for your child while he is inflicting one on the family every single week is a bit rich. He's a hypocrite ... who has not in fact been fat shamed by you.

Original poster

DucksonthePondQuack · 06/01/2025 16:22

Butchyrestingface · 06/01/2025 16:12

Yes, OP. Why didn't you take your child down the local Waitrose for some yummy celery sticks and a raw carrot?

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😝

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Original poster

DucksonthePondQuack · 06/01/2025 16:20

Tia86 · 06/01/2025 16:14

How come DH is allowed takeaway once a week? Is this just him personally that gets it?

We all eat it, I’d rather leave it, I never find them very nice, greasy and cold! I would prefer to cook something from scratch, I definitely eat them to please DH as he lives on salad all week and it’s his one night to enjoy. They are so expensive though especially a dominoes, it’s ridiculously overpriced and not that nice. It just seemed like double standards as he pays £50 to £60 per week on take out food yet he kicked up such a fuss about one happy meal.

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Original poster

DucksonthePondQuack · 06/01/2025 16:17

Katy232425 · 06/01/2025 16:12

I think the message you’re giving your overweight child is problematic - unhealthy fast food is a “treat”, and that straight after Christmas (no doubt involving loads of chocolate and treats) he needs another “treat” just because he’s going back to school tomorrow. Why couldn’t the family time doing something together be the treat? My own kids eat McDonald’s occasionally, I’m not averse to it and the occasional happy meal is pretty harmless, but I think the language around certain kinds of food and the using it as a treat or reward is unhealthy, especially for a child who’s already overweight and has a father with weight and diet issues. It’s setting him up for obesity.

Your update around the garden etc confirms my view your DH is a grumpy arse though.

Yeah I can see that - labelling it as a “treat” but it’s more the eating out that’s a treat, not necessarily the food itself. He’s been raised to see no food as “bad” just everything in moderation. He can if not watched overeat, finishing off our leftovers, his siblings food and can raid our cupboards. He’s autistic with a hyper fixation on food and eating!

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Tia86 · 06/01/2025 16:14

How come DH is allowed takeaway once a week? Is this just him personally that gets it?

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 06/01/2025 16:14

So he can say rude things to you but you have to tiptoe round his feelings?

Original poster

DucksonthePondQuack · 06/01/2025 16:13

Breadcat24 · 06/01/2025 16:09

Why would you treat your son to food at Mc Donalds? Cannot you establish a more healthy treat?

The odd treat is fine and won’t damage his health. Sometimes completely banning junk food can have the opposite effect and can lead to an unhealthy relationship with food. We cook lots of homemade meals together and he loves his food, he will eat anything and is a joy to cook for.

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Katy232425 · 06/01/2025 16:12

I think the message you’re giving your overweight child is problematic - unhealthy fast food is a “treat”, and that straight after Christmas (no doubt involving loads of chocolate and treats) he needs another “treat” just because he’s going back to school tomorrow. Why couldn’t the family time doing something together be the treat? My own kids eat McDonald’s occasionally, I’m not averse to it and the occasional happy meal is pretty harmless, but I think the language around certain kinds of food and the using it as a treat or reward is unhealthy, especially for a child who’s already overweight and has a father with weight and diet issues. It’s setting him up for obesity.

Your update around the garden etc confirms my view your DH is a grumpy arse though.

Butchyrestingface · 06/01/2025 16:12

Breadcat24 · 06/01/2025 16:09

Why would you treat your son to food at Mc Donalds? Cannot you establish a more healthy treat?

Yes, OP. Why didn't you take your child down the local Waitrose for some yummy celery sticks and a raw carrot?

Butchyrestingface · 06/01/2025 16:11

he said I’ve got a lot of making up to do but what I said was in response to him saying I was obsessed with takeaways.

Tell him he's got a lot of packing to do.

Breadcat24 · 06/01/2025 16:09

Why would you treat your son to food at Mc Donalds? Cannot you establish a more healthy treat?

HomeTheatreSystem · 06/01/2025 16:07

Why is your DH unable to take the rubbish to the tip then? Can he not drive? It sounds like there are some control issues at play here and the food is part of that: a lot more complicated than your son having a burger.

pikkumyy77 · 06/01/2025 16:06

Ok he is just a jerk. Your update snd the fight over the rubbish proves that.

Wonderi · 06/01/2025 16:02

Without context it’s hard to know who’s BU or not.

How old is DS?
How often does he have McDonald’s/takeaways?
Is money tight?

If you are naturally slim and you ‘joke’ to someone about their weight or eating habits when you know they struggle with their weight, then it is going to hit a nerve, whether it’s rational or not.

I would apologise to him for causing offence but explain that you didn’t mean it that way.
And that restricting DS’s food is what’s going to give him weight issues, instead of treats in moderation.

Original poster

DucksonthePondQuack · 06/01/2025 16:02

Hobbyidddeas · 06/01/2025 15:54

Sounds like you hit a nerve. McDonald’s isn’t great - perhaps your DH is worried he’ll grow up to have the same food issues as him.

Does he always act like that? Or was that one off?

Did he say this around DS?

If either of those is a pattern, you have a problem.

Edited

He’s touchy. Little situations end up with us fighting and sometimes I have no clue how we got there? If that makes sense?

For example-our back garden is full of rubbish/old bits of wood and he’s been saying for months that we need to call someone out to get rid of it all. I organised for a man to pick it up next week and he blew up again because I hadn’t discussed it with him first, where do I think we will get the money from and that I had gone behind his back. Told him we didn’t have to go through with it and I could cancel etc. Told him that taking it to the tip was free and his response? Learn to drive and I can take it to the tip myself then.

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HomeTheatreSystem · 06/01/2025 15:59

Why is your DS overweight? Your DH, given his experiences, is right to be concerned. You, not overweight, are maybe being a bit too lax about your son's diet.

Original poster

DucksonthePondQuack · 06/01/2025 15:54

adviceneeded1990 · 06/01/2025 15:36

Yep sounds similar to my local one! Insane prices. @DucksonthePondQuack Unless your child is obese and suffering health wise I really don’t think the odd happy meal at less than a fiver will be doing much physical or financial damage. DH is being a miserable arse.

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Yes our local local garden centres food prices are ridiculous. Plus it’s fairly “up market” and not kid friendly. Much cheaper to get a little happy meal. DS is overweight (not massively) and he’s very tall but very healthy, McDonald’s would have been a treat for him the day before he goes back to school. It would only have been a fiver but the way DH reacted you’d swear I had suggested going to pick him up some drugs! I do understand that I hit a nerve, I’ve always been slim and have never had to worry about my weight which DH said. He asked me do I ever think about how much I hurt him? Does it bother me how much I hurt him? Etc.

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Hobbyidddeas · 06/01/2025 15:54

Sounds like you hit a nerve. McDonald’s isn’t great - perhaps your DH is worried he’ll grow up to have the same food issues as him.

Does he always act like that? Or was that one off?

Did he say this around DS?

If either of those is a pattern, you have a problem.

Ohshutupsimonyoutwat · 06/01/2025 15:53

Oh and OP don't ever ever mention McDonalds on here, it will never end well - good luck.

Ohshutupsimonyoutwat · 06/01/2025 15:51

Is he always such an overdramatic, hypocritical arsehole?