DH said I was cruel and fat shamed him

@DucksonthePondQuack I responded that DH was “the king of takeaways” he used to be obsessed with them.

Well the joke's on you then, because quite clearly he isn't any longer.

This ⬆️

What a load of rubbish. I have four kids now 33,32,22&21. The oldest always was and still is very very slim. Next I would say average, other two inclined to put on weight easier, the youngest son was never still, played loads of sports everyday from being about 4 years old. They were all fed exactly the same and must therefore have different metabolisms. None are over weight adults. When young they seemed to put on a bit of weight then a growth spurt repeatedly. As others have said moderation and nutritious food is key. I didn’t have scales when they were under18 as the older one was worried about being too skinny and others about being overweight, which they weren’t, you are very judgmental.

But he isn't worried enough to knock the family takeaway on the head? It's all on OP, wow.

As DS is overweight you would be better to keep him away from McD's and steering him towards healthier food.

Amazes me on MN how many people are autistic when they’re just generally twats.
None of the autistic people I know behave like this. Being lazy and leaving your dp to do everything is just lazy and mean.

It's fine for your dh to disagree with the mcds but why be an arse about it. He could literally say, nah let's skip the mcds and make him something at home it will be healthier.

Then he has a go at you about takeaways and when you mirror back what he said to you and reflect it on him he's massively offended. By his logic you should also be offended then.

His attitude towards food does sound unhealthy.

I do this I’m not a McDonald’s fan sometimes I’ll have a coffee but will often just wait whilst the kids eat. It feels like they are perpetually hungry. I am happy to skip lunch etc.

@DucksonthePondQuack You say your DS is autistic - is your DH also on the spectrum?

He asked me do I ever think about how much I hurt him? Does it bother me how much I hurt him? Etc.

I haven’t seen anyone mention this, but this is completely manipulative and unacceptable. He wasn’t hurt, he was just angry at the thought of having to sit and watch his son eat McDonald’s while he had nothing. It’s his disordered eating talking.

Combined with everything else it’s pretty clear that you would be much happier without him. And I suspect your son wouldn’t be overweight if it wasn’t for your husband’s binge days. I’m guessing he eats a bit of all of the binge food your husband buys? The takeaways, ice creams, Oreos, etc?

I get you have children together etc - but why @DucksonthePondQuack are you staying for a lifetime of this? He won’t get any better. Probably worse with retirement when he’s home 24/7 and it’s just the two of you alone at home..

build a life for yourself now.
Cook the healthy nutritious meals you want.
Fuck the salads. He can make his own.
Fuck the unappetising overpriced family takeaways - let him binge on his own and you lot tuck into a lovely meal you fancy.
He wants you to learn to drive and keeps throwing it in your face. Do it. Budget it into the family budget. One lesson a week or fortnight. Get the theory done.

stop being the doormat. Tell him if he doesn’t sort the garden state you’ll be asking friends and family and have to explain to them why your DH can’t. Would the shame motivate him? Yes we are aware he’ll sulk and strop..

honestly - I’d rather be on my own than have this to contend with. He’s clocked out of family life and is just a lodger at this point.

My youngest has autism and I don’t want to break up the family and leave his dad for fear of disrupting his life/routines/stabilityetc. but I couldn’t stay and be mentally healthy long term. It took a year to get ex out, get things balanced and find new routines and get everyone settled down - but 20
years on I don’t regret a second of it.

Urgh please divorce him. He sounds useless, angry and controlling.

If that were the case he wouldn’t be bingeing on takeaway days. OP isn’t the one setting the terrible example by binge eating on one day and spending the rest of the week trying to make up for it. He hasn’t kicked his own unhealthy eating habits at all.

People who have quit a habit can be very sanctimonious about other people who are still in the grip of the habit, ex smokers tutting at smokers and people who have got to a healthy weight judging overweight people and posting endless memes on social media about working towards goals etc.

You weren't in the wrong at all and don't owe him any kind of apology.

Urgh your dh sounds hard work and he also sounds eating disordered. What he eats on a binge day is gross. Also spending £50-£60 a week on takeaways is a lot of money. It sounds like he prioritises himself in the relationship and also sees himself as the person who always gets to decide how money is spent. Does he have any redeeming features?

Just another perspective OP, but what does your DH blame his disordered eating on? Was he overweight as a child and would it have been his mum 'feeding him up' by any chance?

It sounds like your DH is desperate for your son not to end up like him and you are completely oblivious to it, hence the 'chucking takeaways at him' comment, if you've always been a normal weight you will probably never understand how hard it can be to break habits which have been with you since childhood.

Taking out the throwaway elements of your arguments it sounds like he is very worried about finances.

Do you do much of the finances in the household? Has there been a bigger spend than normal?

The other thing I'd be asking is if his job is safe?

There may have been discussions on things like redundancies or restructuring at his work and that might be worrying him.

I think it was quite an unkind thing for you to say tbh. Your dh has cleared suffered from eating too many takeaways, and is concerned tat his son might be going the same way!

So he’s allowed to talk to you like you’re something he’s just stepped in, but if you point out that he could be doing something differently if he wants you to behave differently (ie, taking wood to the tip, spending less on a takeaway etc) then you’re the one who needs to apologise and grovel until he’s decided that you’re forgiven? Yeah, fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Next time he kicks off at you like this, I’d be inclined to give him a short, sharp shock. Very quietly and calmly say to him ‘I don’t know who the fuck you think you’re talking to, but it stops right now because I’m not taking your shit any more. If you don’t like what I’ve done, do it your fucking self, but don’t you dare ever talk to me like that again’. Then get up and walk away. And the swearing is most definitely needed.

Agree with this, OP.

What are his good points?

Also, the weight loss and bizarre tantrums could point to an affair.

The very next time he mentioned the cost of ANYTHING in that tone I would be suggesting you give up the weekly takeaway as it's clearly too much for your budget. And I'd be comparing its cost with anything else you bought that was commented on, too. As for 'you've got a lot of making up to do' I'd have a lot to say but none of it would be making up.