I have no words. What do I do?

I must live on a different planet from you lot. So he applied for a job he was unlikely to get and boom...he won the lottery. It's not just a job, it's a dream job. And he hasn't made a decision without her. He is telling her, now that it's in his lap "I have a real concrete opportunity here, what do you think? I'd obviously really like to go as it's my dream job". Ok so she didn't know he'd bought the lottery ticket, but now he has won, he's asking what to do with it. And personally I'd take a step back in my career for my husband's dream job, as I know he would also do for me because we've done these things for each other in the past. Marriage is a team game, he obviously thought they'd both benefit in the long term. Fine if he misjudged, she can still say no.

Universities offer a job to the partner when getting a professor to come from far away, it just makes sense as most people need two incomes.

depending on how competitive and unlikely it was he would score this job I can kind of see why he didn’t mention it beforehand as he didn’t think it would happen and didn’t want to be disappointed and embarrassed as well as dealing with arguments.

as someone who left all friends family and hope of career to move abroad permanently for my husbands future, I’m sitting in a position of 19 years experience. We do have kids though.

we struggled a lot over the years. I missed out on so much with my family - only visiting twice in all these years. I missed my grandparents final years and funerals. I left all of my friends in one part of this country to move again for his work.

and after all that I gave up, he had an affair with a coworker and we are facing divorce.

think carefully because if you let him go alone he’ll probably end up cheating anyway. Even if he seems totally lovely and trustworthy. The nicest men are the most popular ones and other women will want that.

think about where you might be twenty years from now. If you think your career can take the hit go for it. It does sound like a great opportunity. But he aware you are changing your life forever. It is so much harder to go back to England after many years living abroad.

I know of a job coming up at my work that I want to apply for. It hasn’t even been advertised and I’ve discussed it openly with my DH.

He is currently applying for roles. He called me at work one day about a role he was thinking about applying for. It sounds wonderful and I was wondering why he even asked me if he should apply. He had a screening interview and they asked if he would be willing to relocate to another city. He told me the same day that this could be on the cards. I support this. If he had not mentioned it to me until it was a done deal, would be a deal breaker for me.

the fact that your husband applied for a job and went through the interview process without discussing it with you is gobsmacking. Is he usually secretive or deceptive? Is it within the organisation that he currently works for? If it’s external, he’s presumably had to take time off work and go to multiple interviews, all while hiding it. I don’t buy that he thought it was a long shot, each communication with them he knew the odds were getting shorter in his favour.

The fact that it would involve an international move that he knows would negatively impact your career and you’ve even discussed that now is not the right time for such a move shows that he has no respect or care for you. He wants what he wants and nothing is going to stop him. You can either follow along and sacrifice everything for him, or he will drop you like a hot potato. Either way, your relationship is over and you sadly know it.

see the thread by GenericName123 who is going through something similar. It’s absolutely astounding that these men treat their partners this way.

He tells her because he knew she’d love it , when he’s lying, and also because he knew she’d argue, when he’s feeling more honest. They’ve had discussions about their goals and she’s been clear this is not going to meet her goals for a few years, so he didn’t tell her because she might have objected. Lying tosser.

Yes although I said I'd be off I would if hubby discussed this and planned together. Seriously I find this worrying south America also I feel like saying what's he up to what else has he not told OP

Yes I guess its like the posts that are a litany of brutish selfish behaviour ending with "but he's a great dad."

And that will fix the partner being a lying deceitful untrustworthy weasel?

a quick thought - to help you make your decision why not arrange some flights and go and see the place / area / meet the people you would be working with and find out more about the job...... to help you make an informed decision? You could ask some good questions and find out if your own goals might be achievable there. Also see if you think you could form friendships over there? That would be an important part of starting a new life, everyone needs support networks. At least you are then making an infomred choice.You may feel better about it once you can get a picture of what your future might be like. If it doesnt feel right then say no and your relationship will need to see if it can survive long distance.

You could also surprise him with a job offer in another country that you have received which is an amazing opportunity and which means he will need to follow you there - just to see how he takes to role reversal

Look into the future re if you have kids and they are born there and the implications for their legal citizen status and what if you split up etc.

Bloody hell. I would be furious that he got this far without discussing it with you. He didn't have to ask your permission, but he could at the very least have told you that he was applying (with or without your blessing) and given you time to process it.

I know what I'd do if this was me. I'd file for divorce. It's the fact that he made a unilateral decision without even telling you. That's not a marriage. It's so disrespectful.

I don’t think that is neither here, nor there. It speaks volumes for how much he values her opinion. Couples with a good relationship would at least casually chat about such things.

That's very true. I think some of the posts are just the poster using MN as a place to get therapy for their own troubles.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I can see that the main concern is the duplicity. I mean what if you go there and then he gets another dream job in another country without consulting you? That seems like a real concern.

I'm not really an LTB kind of person, but that possibility would really worry me.

I think it's important to remember on threads like these that there will always be a contingent of posters who need to validate their own choices to themselves, and will use a post ostensibly directed at the OP in order to do it. Sadly it means that there is always a minority of persistent but genuinely dreadful advice and it takes an astute OP to ignore it.

Yes, some responses are profoundly disturbing.

Does anyone else worry a bit about some of the responses on here? The "oh he meant well...he wanted to surprise you....the ignore how he did it"?

So you'd forgive him the lies and deceit? You have lost due to a bad relationship but can't see what is so deceitful and domineering about what he did? They aren't a couple. Partners, proper partners don't do this shit to the person they should care most about. And they don't think that fait accompli is a beautiful surprise.

And that should not mean we assume or expect that it is going to be the woman who takes time out to look after children. It’s just such an old fashioned expectation.

We need to have a different mind-set and not make women the default child carers.

To be honest, I'd be a bit worried about what things he might be keeping quiet. This is a really major decision which he has just sprung on you and which he didn't bother to discuss with you in a mature adult way - you know, the way partners discuss and agree about things. I will say being familiar with a place on holiday is quite different to living and working there. I would be very unhappy in your position and I say that coming from an immigrant family so more prepared for change that many people who haven't moved more than 10 miles from their family in three generations.

What's the healthcare like? How about the crime rate? How many trips home per year? How badly hit would your career be if you went? How easy would it be to come back and get another job if it didn't work out?

Hi, I was referring to when one parent has a career break due to child care. In the majority of cases, it tends to be the woman who is the sahp.
FWIW, neither myself or any of my friends stopped working after having children either

Yes, the only SAHPs I know, and those are only a tiny handful (and I’m in my 50s and have moved around a lot internationally), are those for whom it wasn’t a choice because of their own illness or that of a child, or SEN meaning that a parent was needed at home FT. Two were SAH dads, one because of MH issues, the other because he was made redundant several times.

It’s not something anyone actually wants to do, in my experience.

Not in my circle of friends it isn’t. We have all continued to work and have careers after having children. I honestly know very few SAHM’s.

His behabiour is entirely acceptable — if you’re 12 months old and he’s your dad.

Because that's the reality in the overwhelming majority of relationships/marriages

Why should OP give up a job that she loves and a home she likes living in because of her selfish partner’s decision to accept a position abroad that hadn’t even been discussed with her? Do you honestly think he would do the same for her? (He wouldn’t!). She deserves better than this.

I’d be thinking about divorce in this situation rather than following him abroad.

Me I'd be off like a shot! But of course I would not be happy about not discussing it all beforehand it's a huge decision leaving your own families and uprooting children. Personally the UK has very little good to offer.But I do find it odd why he did all of this without discussing it with his wife.. did he tell you why he never told you the plan?