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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I have no words. What do I do?

703 replies

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 08:19

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

OP posts:
Haroldwilson · 06/01/2025 08:26

Is it for a set number of years? Could you be long distance without splitting?

Why does he say he didn't tell you? Presumably he had some doubt about whether you'd agree and wanted to present it to you as a fait accompli?

LaLatina · 06/01/2025 08:22

I’d regard this as evidence that he was fundamentally unsuited to marriage, if he was secretive, arrogant or/or unthinking enough to keep the entire application process a secret and still assumed you’d accompany him. Off with him. Imagine negotiating a life you didn’t choose on a new continent with a spouse who was that manipulative and secretive.

Firenzeflower · 06/01/2025 08:22

He got a dream job with a dream job for you?
And didn’t think to mention it to you?
Gosh.
Well you can go or not go.

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