I have no words. What do I do?

I think @Rubydoobydoobydoo was right on this. Friends' husbands who are like this have all gone on to second marriages - sometimes even three.

However there's a lot more to this than just "where they find themselves".

OP I think @Superscientist raises some really good points. For your own sake I think you need to be really sure on what the career implications are for you either way, in case the negatives might be less extreme than you fear. In terms of the marriage the exam question is not just how damaging it would be for you career-wise, but also how much your husband cares about that and whether it influences his decision to go or not. And on the first point - how damaging it would be to your career - that would be your assessment of the impact, not his.

@TempestTost does raise some really good points but such couple moves for jobs don't normally happen over the head of the spouse who doesn't want it. It's a much smaller ask of your partner to turn down a job than to relocate to another continent.

I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose

I think, if he’s telling you it’s not fair to make him choose between his marriage and his job, then he’s already chosen. And it’s not you.

If you refuse to go with him, he might possibly stay, but I don’t think he’ll forgive you for not just going along with what he wants and I suspect your marriage will be over within a couple of years. So your only real choice is whether you put him first, accept his selfishness and uproot your life, or decide that you can’t spend the rest of your life trailing after him, and start getting used to the idea that he’s not going to be in your life anymore.

I couldn't stay with a person who had zero respect for me

He is so so SELFISH

I don't honestly know how I'd deal with this, OP. If you go, you may end up having an amazing time - or you could end up homesick and resentful. If he stays with you here, he's likely to end resentful and you're likely to end up walking on eggshells around him.

But, there is always a compromise and I think you both have an awful lot of talking to do to reach one here. I wish you the best of luck with it.

Fair enough keeping it secret if there was little chance if him getting it, although the more advanced it got he should have mentioned it, but the real deal breaker is him not presenting it as an opportunity for you to discuss and decide together.

His attitude is my way or the highway. That’s not conducive to a healthy relationship of equals and respect.

If he had discussed it you might have decided to give it a go.

But being there because you were boxed into a corner. I'm not sure I could enjoy it. I wouldn't be there out of my own free will.
he could have persuaded you, but chose not to as didn't want to risk you saying no. That's not a marriage of equals.

If this opportunity is so damn good, why didn't he share the preparation and excitement with you!?

LTB

This would the attitude I’d have.
don’t agree with him keeping secrets especially if it was to trick you, but if he’s genuinely wanting you both to move for a better life, I’d go.

She also said career progression doesnt really matter that much and many people will have 4 over their lifetimee, so its not important he goes, is it? Or was that part just aimed at women?

He knew he was marrying a woman who cared about her career too and that she didn't want to move for a few years, but you fail to even mention that. And no, selfish men who treat women like an accessory, are not very attractive!!

"Those kind of men are often very attractive and sought-after as partners" ... Nah, 'Selfish Twat' isn't an attractive category of man.

Wow!
He deliberately made a fait accompli so that you couldn't object even if you wanted to.

Give that man a medal for first class manipulation motivated by self interest.

It doesn't really matter that it's about a job and move which may or may not be the bestest thing ever to happen to the OP. It's the same principle whether it's this, or putting an offer in on a buy-to-let, or putting down a deposit on an electric Porsche for 90 grand, or deciding your mum is moving in because she has had a few falls. You discuss things in a (decent) marriage.

OP knows she married an ambitious man who likes to feel he's the main character in his life. I suspect most of us would like to think we're main characters, too. Those kind of men are often very attractive and sought-after as partners.

Attractive to whom? I think they’re twats.

This is a man who fails the waiter test with his own wife.

Can I go? 😁

Wow. He's shown a total disregard for you. Your feelings/opinions/

I'd be very upset about this.

I'd be even more upset at the way he's tried to downplay his behaviour.

its not the career focus or the taking side roads, its NOT TELLING HER!!!

Those kind of men are often very attractive and sought-after as partners

🤣

No I think most spouses would prefer to be respected as an equal partner, not lied to and not patronised.

I don't really understand those who think that it's a big deal. It would be a betrayal of trust for me. It sounds like he has more than a touch of main character syndrome.

I work in a sector that requires moves to other continents, but I'd never apply for one without talking to my DH first - heck, I wouldn't apply to a job across the road without talking to him about it! We talk about everything significant (or otherwise a lot of the time!).

Has he? OP knows she married an ambitious man who likes to feel he's the main character in his life. I suspect most of us would like to think we're main characters, too. Those kind of men are often very attractive and sought-after as partners. OP is clearly ambitious too and there's nothing wrong with that. She married him.

I thought this response from Tempest Tost put it very well.

“TempestTost · Today 11:07
I wonder if he didn't think there was no point creating an argument/discussion if he thought he wasn't that likely to get the post?
I would also say - as far as doing something like this "one day in the future" I think often that's not how these things work. Opportunities like that come when they come. If I were offered the chance to apply for something like that before I planned, I wouldn't be saying no, even if it was just because I would want to be seen to be interested for later on.
Personally, in your place as the spouse OP, if I wanted to do something like that ever, I wouldn't be worrying too much about career progression. Careers just aren't that linear, in many cases. Taking side roads might change what they look like, but it can often be for the better. And most people have long careers these days, especially of they don't have kids - lots of people have three or even four in a lifetime. There is time to get back on track, almost always, if you want.”
@Dery : I understand your annoyance and dismay but overall I agree with what ** has said, particularly the point about opportunities happening when they happen. Also, is it possible for you to be long distance for a year or two and for you to join your husband later?

I think this is a situation where two equal career-focussed people find themselves caught in a difficult situation. As Tempest Tost says, opportunities tend to crop up at highly inconvenient moments and not to order. It's never going to be easy.

I'm genuinely surprised by the number of posts suggesting all sorts of reasons for him taking such big decisions without any consultation with you.

Are people really prepared to have their lives turned up suddenly down by someone with no consultation? Don't get me wrong, I've moved countries and had brilliant, life and career enriching experiences.

It's the lack of consultation which would be a deal breaker for me.

What ever next? Have children and send them back 'home' to board without consulting you. Giving up the job and moving to an uninhabited island without consulting you. Put all your family money in his name only and not consult you? Where would it end?

My concern for the people on this thread who do not feel that they must have autonomy over their own lives knows no bounds.

Extremely telling that he thinks this (utterly transparently bollocks) 'forgot' excuse does anything except emphasise his shitty behaviour. Wild that he thinks it's legit or acceptable to just 'forget' 50% of a partnership's red lines for a move halfway across the globe and that this somehow absolves him of wrongdoing even if it wasn't an outright lie.

OP, I am so sorry. This is nasty, coercive behaviour.

I can't believe the number of apologists for this behaviour. He has seriously fucked this up.

He doesn't consider you a true partner. Only you can decide if there's any coming back from this. I wouldn't even consider staying in this marriage without serious couples' therapy, however.

I would be furious!
My partner and have applied for less than ideal job for the relationship but promising for one of us but it would always be a discussion and we both agreed to make it work.

For me I would want an itinerary of the application process just how long has he kept me in the dark
What are the details of your job? Is it just something to keep you occupied for a few hours a day so you don't dwell on the situation your spouse has lumbered you with or is a role that has potential to be interesting and engaging even if not particularly useful career wise. I would have little patience for the former.
What would be your situation should you not like the job?
What are the options for you to build a supportive network around you?
How will yours and your partner work hours compare? How much time will you be home alone whilst he fulfills his career dreams
If living there isn't what you imagined will your husband support you and look for another job or leave you high and dry in a foreign country.

For me it wouldn't be an absolute no more like 95% chance of saying no and if he comes up with some spectacular answers to the above and he shows that whilst he has been exceptionally thoughtless and almost certainly manipulative he has considered how the pair of you will live your lives out there. I strongly suspect he hasn't and won't have the answers that will give you the confidence that your needs are and will be considered in his decisions.

There is absolutely no way I would go with him. He has treated you abominably and no doubt it will continue when you are halfway round the world.

Im sure the employer would have asked what your feelings were about the move. It would be interesting for you to ask your husband what he said.

Ramble through the bramble gives you excellent advice. Personally I think it might be exciting, but he should certainly have discussed it with you as a major commitment. I say that as my stepgrandson is accompanying his girlfriend to Australia in March. She has a contract for 2 years plus accomodation. He's giving up his job for her. Yet they dont plan to marry and no one in the family has even met her. He just wants to have a good time. My husband thinks they should marry and have kids but that's not what he wants.