AIBU to change ny phone password?

107 replies

ConfusedAdult2001 · 05/01/2025 23:23

I vented to my sister about something my husband and his family did/said that frustrated me. My husband looked through my phone, saw me vent my frustrations to her, and then asked if I thought he and his family were a joke to me. I said no, because they're not, but I was frustrated with them (his family said untrue things about me to my husband, and my husband acts like he doesn't know who to believe because they're both telling him the same lie).

I was frustrated about being lied on, and then even more frustrated that despite him "letting it go", he wasn't understanding that i was upset that they thought it was okay to lie on me. So I vented to my sister about my frustrations.

He read my vent, got upset at me for venting to my sister the way I did (I did not verbally disrespect him or his family at all, just stated the facts of the situation and how I felt), and afterwards, I changed my password because I felt if he's going to get upset about me venting my frustrations to a trusted individual and family member, but doesn't want me to vent them to a friend or even my therapist, but also doesn't actually listen/understand when I try to broach the topic with him, I can't just hold it in.

AITA for changing my phone password to keep my husband from getting upset about me venting to my sister?

I might be TA because I didn't tell him I was going to change my password, and granted, it does look sketchy as one's partner, but I just couldn't keep being gaslit into thinking my perspective/frustration is wrongly placed, and having an outsider perspective helps some

He doesn't want me talking to anytrusted friend about any relationship issues we have, he doesn't want me talking to my therapist about our issues because he's not there to "defend himself", but now he's telling me I can't even discuss issues with my sister. And the issues that resurface time and time again leave my mind during couple's therapy, but they need to be discussed so at least I can move past things. I just wanted to be able to vent my frustrations to someone with a listening ear who actually understands why I'm truly frustrated in the first place, without making me sound like I'm crazy.

OP posts:

BettyBardMacDonald · 05/01/2025 23:49

Why on earth can he access your phone in the first place???

You need standards and boundaries. He's not your master.

Please tell me you don't have kids with this abuser.

Silvertulips · 05/01/2025 23:45

DH has never been through my phone and I have never been through his!

You can speak to who ever about hmwhat ever - how can a therapist even help if you aren’t able to speak.

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 05/01/2025 23:42

OP looking at your phone without your permission is an invasion of your privacy and VERY controlling! In fact, it seems this guy wants to control you full stop!! I think you need to be giving serious thought to getting out of this relationship, and whatever you do, don't have any more kids with him!

Original poster

ConfusedAdult2001 · 05/01/2025 23:36

Eyresandgraces · 05/01/2025 23:30

Why is he looking through your phone? My dh has never looked at my messages and I’ve never looked at his.
Imo changing your password is your prerogative but no I don’t think your dh will like it.
However if you’re having counselling then tell your therapist what you like. Your dh doesn’t need to know.
And as pp says your dh is the problem here.

I honestly don't know why he was looking through my phone, it was just out charging while I hopped in the shower this time.

I know postpartum after our first DD, he told me he was convinced I was cheating on him (i was working full time 3mo PP, suffering from PPD and PPA, and eventually told him I was just sitting in the parking lot down the street from the house for 15-20mins before coming home and being a handed a baby who wanted to nurse and be on me, but i didn't want to infect with all of my outside germs. I was just taking a minute to gather my thoughts before coming home from work to deal with more stress and no help. He says he understood after I said that, but continues to look through my phone, during which he found texts between me and a close friend, again, about something he did/said that frustrated me.

I'm just trying to give the benefit of the doubt.

OP posts:

Eyresandgraces · 05/01/2025 23:30

ForZanyAquaViewer · 05/01/2025 23:28

He’s not your gaoler. You can speak to who you like, about what you like. And he’s not entitled to go through your phone.

I wouldn’t be changing my password, I’d be having the row to end all rows.

thesaskedminger · 05/01/2025 23:26

Sounds like you need to change your husband, not your password.

Unflip

1 2 3 4 5