AIBU to change ny phone password?

So, i was already writing in a notebook when they were talking to me about everything, I just took the same notebook and wrote down exactly what I was told, kind of like a side note, so that if they say they never said it, I wrote it down word for word so I could let them know exactly what they told me and when. Particularly because everyone always wants to say they never said something, or that's not what they meant.

I haven't directly told him the way you suggest, only because I know he won't, especially since it requires him to go over an hour away from where we live.

I did something like that in a similar situation, where i just gave him one of the kids so I could go do something because I "can deal with them on my own, but now I'm choosing not to". I reiterated something he said to me the night prior when I asked him to make the toddler sleep while I showered, but then he brought me the baby. In that situation, however, he basically through a fit because he was in the middle of a game (despite me placing a clean, changed, calm, fed baby in her bassinet), and he "needed" some time before he could watch either of them. That was the first time he told me I was "acting like a b*" and told me "no, f** you". (Again, I have NEVER swore or name called him in the history of our relationship together, or even knowing each other.)

I have challenged them on it in FRONT of DH, and his excuse to this day is, "it was probably sarcasm". When his mom/sister use sarcasm, I very literally can not tell because their tone of voice is so flat it sounds like they're stating a fact. They told me it's considered babysitting if the kids want to spend time with them for a little bit, they agree, and I walk off to tend to something I would've been doing with the kids anyway (say, getting pajamas for the kids). I asked SIL if they were serious, she said "yeah", I asked her to elaborate, she did, and then I wrote it down in my notebook, and then began keeping the kids with me outside of my working hours. His mom then told DH I was keeping the kids away from her, to which I recanted the conversation from the night prior. SIL told everyone they were just "joking". Despite the fact that i asked if they were serious and she told me "yeah" and then elaborated. I explained this, and both SIL and MIL convinced DH they were just joking, which he still believes to this day.

And even with me explaining how hard it is, he still doesn't get it and tries to tell me how to do it "successfully", despite never having done it himself.

Thank you, but I don't really mind being the default parent, I actually love it - it shows how secure and comfortable my kids feel with me.

I just dislike how ignorant and unaware it makes my DH, and how dependent it makes him on me.

He'll ask me if I can pick up his favorite food when I'm in the area of his favorite food spot when I have both kids. Here's the thing, he's never had to do it, so he doesn't know how hard it is to do so when I'm pushing a stroller, holding a toddler's hand, AND trying to hold his entire food/drink order. After that, I just started saying no because I couldn't do it anymore.

I don't think people are wrong about it being abuse, I just think it's a hard accusation to accept so quickly only because i never saw it as such. I saw things as unfair/unequal/illogical/ignorant - literally any other word to describe his "logic" that i clearly didn't understand, but abuse is never a word that even crossed my mind.

So, i did, and it's weird because I hear what everyone here is saying, and I heard what my own therapist said about him being manipulative/controlling/abusive, but it's weird because after couple's and individual therapy, he started helping with the kids more, being more receptive to me telling him I might be overstimulated or need a break just to shower or meet my own needs.

So I feel like therapy helped with helping him to be more aware and understanding/compassionate to situations and how to reciprocate the way he's expecting/wanting to be treated. It just hasn't helped him to understand how something is going to affect someone else's emotions.

For example, I told him his mom/sister are lying on me. He told me to ignore it because he "got over it" and just ignores what they're saying. I told him it's not about whether or not I can ignore it, it's about the fact that they think it's okay to KEEP lying on me to him and have him come to me asking questions each and every time.

Again, he tells me he understands what I'm saying, but it's not a problem to him because he got over it. I tried explaining that it's not about getting over it, it's about the fact that they think it's okay to lie on me, which, without corrective action, will continue to happen, which means I'm just supposed to forever ignore them?

So therapy has helped him be more hands on and helpful with the kids so I can also get a break occasionally, but it doesn't help him to understand why something might bother me on a deeper emotional level.

I forgot to mention, he was also asking for 1hr a day after work to decompress, but that "1hr" was often 3-5hrs after he got home from work.

I don't know how he's rationalized it making sense in his head, but it's easier not trying to rationalize it on my own and to just agree with him and move on.

I also understood this being parenthood as well, hence why i normally don't complain. I don't complain about the things that come along with parents, it's about the fact that it feels like I'm on my own despite "not" actually being a single parent.

I'm not trying to justify me taking 20mins after work at all, but I was only doing it because I got no time to myself at all. He works Mon-Fri 9-5, and coaches basketball 2x/wk, often not coming back home until either 7:30/8pm after practice, and not until after 9pm from a game. At that time, he was still saying how he needed basically all day Saturday to "decompress" after working 5 days straight, so he would basically play video games all day on Saturdays, or just do whatever he wants for himself, while I had the toddler the whole time by myself.

At that time, i was working full time, but i would also care for the toddler before going to work, go to work, and then come back home and have a baby thrust into my arms before even fully stepping through the front door, and seemingly no one was able to tell me the last time she ate/got changed/if she bathed/etc.

So instead of asking and being denied 20mins to gather my thoughts, I worked it into my day right after getting off work, because I wasn't going to get it by simply asking.

I've tried, but my interests mainly happen to be at home, so if I'm home and hear the girls crying/fussing/needing something, I can't sit and do whatever I want unbothered, like I can't just ignore them, so I have to see what's wrong with them, especially if they're like breaking down crying.

I try to just leave the house whenever I get uninterrupted time alone. That way, none of that bothers me, and I can actually enjoy my time alone. I normally just like to have uninterrupted time to think or write in a notebook, just so I can gather/collect/align my thoughts.

I also get that his time is his sports, or whatever else he can only do without the kids with him, however, it help more if he was more aware of these things and not just so ignorant to certain things?

He coaches basketball 2x/wk, so 1-2x/wk, I'm home alone with the kids all day, or i work and then have the kids alone until long past their bedtime ALONE. Again, it doesn't really bother me, I know how to be with them both alone and still get stuff done around the house whilst also meeting their needs.

But by the time he comes home, the kids are either fast asleep or on their way to sleep. And what is he doing after that? Playing the game, or eating alone, meanwhile, I haven't even had the chance to shower yet, but we can't just swap places either because I'm trapped holding/cuddling the kids until they're down for the night.

I went and walked around the mall, picked up a few gifts for a birthday party me and the kids are going to this weekend (I invited him, he doesn't want to come, which is fine because your partner doesn't always have to accompany you somewhere, but it'd be nice for him to attend events with us at least occasionally).

So, in the time it took me to make the toddler sleep, the baby was crying. He tried to say that each time he cheered for his team (which is relatively loud), thr baby would start crying, so he tried to say that having the baby while he watched the game would only interrupt his game because she would start crying each time. I told him it's the same when I go to my doctors' appointments, only real difference is, there's not a whole bunch of random loud noise and instead, she wants me to hold/nurse her, ON TOP of the toddler ripping and running around. So i normally have to pause my appointments, which cause them to take longer, because both kids need my attention (no one is able to watch the kids during my appointments).

He tried to say it's not the same 🙃.

He claims he can't watch them while he eats or watches a game because they tend to interrupt whatever he's trying to do, which i explained happens with everyone who's watching the kids.

Would this be an example?:

Today, I was with the kids majority of the day until roughly 3pm; he and his family went to a funeral. He offered to be with the kids for 1-2hrs while I did whatever i wanted/needed.

Came home 2hrs later, baby was asleep, toddler running around bright-eyed and bushy tailed. Me and her had snacks, I pumped, DH came to help her go potty and brush teeth while I pumped. Baby woke up, sports game starts, I ask if I can leave baby with him while I make toddler sleep, he says no, but also doesn't want to make toddler sleep because he doesn't want to miss the game.

I tell him he can hold calm baby and watch the game while I make toddler sleep.

He basically (indirectly) said he'd rather watch the game child-free, so he'd rather make toddler sleep in 5mins than hold/cater to baby the entire game duration.

He asked if I'd take baby after toddler sleeps, tried to convince me we discussed this (I have no recollection of this), told me i could've asked him to make toddler sleep earlier so I could take baby and he could watch game in peace.

I just agreed to take baby after toddler sleeps because I didn't want to put up with his attitude and annoyance anymore, but now he's basically sulking about the current situation, despite me having agreed to getting baby after toddler sleeps.

I don't know if he just prefers not to be 100% alone with them without possible help, if he feels insecure or incapable of caring for the kids on his own, or simply just because he doesn't want to "struggle" with them and not be able to do whatever he wants to do. He loves them and they love him, I just think that if the baby starts crying, he doesn't know what to do, and at some point he's going to want a "break" to do whatever he wants outside of their crying/tantrums/etc.

Him and his family went to a funeral today and he offered to look after the kids for 1-2hrs while I go do something for myself outside of caring for them and cleaning around the house, which he didn't really do before therapy (couples and individual), despite basically demanding his own personal time to do whatever he chooses (because it definitely felt like he was demanding the time he "needed" after work and the whole day Saturday - has since changed to no alone time until after both kids are settled).