That moment you realise you really do hate them

On my first wedding anniversary my mum had very serious surgery where she could have died. Not only did my husband not come with me to be around and help me support my dad - he didn’t phone or wasn’t contactable all day. Eventually rang me at 11pm after I’d leant on friends for support in the day.
when I spoke to him about it once I was back home he kinda eye rolled apologised like a teenager.
When I left him 4 years later and he was sobbing with hurt on the floor, I told him that my feelings of love for him began to disappear the night of my mum’s op. Then he began to apologise in such a heart felt way.
I said “this is what I wanted back then - genuine remorse for not understanding how awful it was not to have you to support me that day when my mum nearly died”.
Needless to say I left anyway and have never looked back.
good luck OP with the decisions you need to make - feel your anger x

So a round of golf is more important than your DM? I'd hate him too.

I am sorry about your mum, that must be so worrying and then to have a husband who by all the evidence is a total drain on your energy and is no support. If you imagine life without him how does it feel? Sounds as if he would be one less thing to have to deal with. In my experience it is better to be alone and know exactly what we have to do rather than having one's expectations constantly raised and then dashed.

He's so difficult now I think he's going to be so much worse when/if we do split.

Short term pain for long term gain.

They have two parents. I just spent two weeks looking after my mum. You both need to talk about sharing the load and expectations.

Also OP, I meant to say, I too pay for most things. I have shelled out for roof repairs, toilet repair (which he broke with his impatient forceful flushing) and new tyres in the past two weeks, on top of hundreds spent on the kids birthdays and Christmas. I even decided this year to show him exactly what presents I'd got for the kids prior to wrapping them so he could see what I'd spent, and he makes no attempt to offer a contribution. Therefore I will be no worse off if he's not here as he spends pretty much all of his money on himself and his hobbies anyway. It is unacceptable, and I need to stop accepting it. Get angry OP, it will give you focus. I have lost the energy for anger and find myself just drifting. Do not do that!

It was when my mum was dying that I realised what a selfish idiot my then partner was. He just couldn’t deal with my focus being on someone else. Everyone said “Don’t make big life changes right now”, but I knew it was the end of the road for that relationship, and it was actually a relief, even though things limped on for a while until I had the headspace to actually deal with it.

I hope your mum’s op goes well. Focus on her, but promise yourself you’ll be freeing yourself from this crap man as soon as you can.

There have been many occasions, and stupidly I have just let them all go and got on with life. I think I have become desensitised to things he has done, and almost ignore it now as I am so used to his behaviour. Maybe the breaking point was when our son was sick from an allergic reaction and I was on the phone to 111 to see if I should take him to hospital, and dh still chose to go on his night out (one of very very many, not a special occasion or anything) leaving me to have to sort out someone to look after our youngest while I took eldest to A&E. When he came home to find me and eldest not there, and my brother with youngest, he was mystified as to what was going on. He cannot see further than his own nose. I cannot continue to do this, and am taking strength from those saying divorce is hard but the freedom afterwards is worth every second. Good luck OP, you can do it, and you MUST do it. Best wishes to your mum.

Who's paying for his golf? Does he magically find money for this?

This isn’t an uncommon wish, just mainly unspoken.

I loathed mine. It’s healthier.

Hope your DM gets better.
The moment I realised I hate them was shortly after turning 42 yo, it simply just came along.
Not my husband, he's 74 and has done nothing wrong by me.
I'm not surprised you despise that man, I could tell you about dozens (most of them).
When your mother feels better, start thinking about becoming free of him.
🍀

and the feeling of relief never leaves you

Freedom : the absence of necessity, coercion or constraint in choice or action
/ liberation from the power of another ( as in slavery, quote from Mirriam-Webster )

So he’s lazy, a skinflint, selfish but leaving him might be too hard? I think you’ll find it really easy. He’ll still be this person in 5 years time.

Sorry to hear your mum is ill and hope her treatment goes well. 💐

Agree. OP has primary school children. She doesn't say she's planning a third child. If she'd known he was going to be increasingly lazy and selfish, at the time, she probably wouldn't have had children with him. Plus these men are often very effective gas lighters, making the OP doubt themselves, and its only when something so undeniable happens that the scales fall from their eyes.

At a time when an OP is feeling dreadful and wants advice or second opinion to check if she is indeed being unreasonable or not - its a way of putting them down, making them feel worse and an attempt to prove that the poster could see it all coming but the OP couldn't.

OP.. You have a lot on your plate right now with your DM...you have practical things to sort out like telling, not asking that he does the school run one day a week during this time! which probably sounds easier than it will be in reality.
Maybe you should hold fire on any announcements to the Golfing Hero that you are making decisions about your future with him atm, you don't want to add even more stress to a difficult situation with his inevitable drama, before you've really worked out how you want to organise things.
Maybe put this slightly to one side whilst you focus on your DM, your kids and yourself in the immediate future. It will also give you time to think, get profession help and to work out how to best manage the situation.

I agree with others, your marriage is no way to live. And yes, I too hated my ex before I divorced him, I wished him dead and I know that is unkind of me.

Honestly getting divorced is easier than you'd imagine. Yes it's an upheaval, yes the kids will be a bit upset.. Write off 2025 and just get it done. Honestly it is SO SO SO much better on the other side. Take it from a divorced mum. I give thanks at least once a week that he is no longer my issue and it's been 8 years :)

Fuck off. We marry partners thinking they'll be great husbands and parents only to discover later on, they are losers.

There is a reason why almost 40% of marriages end up in divorce in the UK, with the biggest majority (over 60%) initiated by women.

He is financially abusing you and controlling you.
Talk to Women's aid and get advice.
You are not wrong, he is scum.

God he’s vile

Why do people post this unhelpful and pointless question on this sort of thread?

It happens every time a poster starts a thread about a useless husband/partner..

Does he get involved with childcare/housework given he only works 2-3hrs a day? Do you and the kids splurge on his for Birthdays/Christmas - if so stop it.

You marry and have kids to be a partnership, to share the highs and lows together. You sacrifice your very expensive golf days to provide holidays etc for your kids, creating happy memories with each other. To be blunt you have allowed him to NOT do these things...why?

Love and hate are very much akin and if you really don't have any love for him, then you need to walk away because he doesn't sound like he is showing up for his family and certainly not supporting you at this difficult time.

If you still have some feelings for him, because I know from personal experience that it is possible to love someone but hate the way they now treat you, then you need to sit him down, tell him how your are feeling, tell him he needs to step up NOW and that includes financially. Set boundaries and if he refuses to or reneges on them, that he will be on his way out. Make it quite clear where your feelings are.

Regardless, start making plans for the future as a single parent. It sounds tough but you will be in control, you can plan your own destiny and there maybe a life with love ahead as opposed to living with someone you hate. Do not bring your kids up in that atmosphere.