That moment you realise you really do hate them

Making those first moves to end the marriage, OP, is very, very hard and frankly can be scary, but once you're free of man like this the relief can be immense.

I used to say, to my then husband, that all I wanted was some 'peace of mind' and once the dust had settled after the divorce - and I'll be honest, it took some time and things weren't always easy - I found what I had been missing in my lonely, miserable marriage.

It is possible to be happy. Life is too short to not to try to aim for something better than an unhappy life in a miserable marriage.

Once you hate them, there is no going back. I think a plan is very wise, @Thetimeisno It took me 15 years to leave, but I did it. Work to your own timescale, give yourself all the advantages you need.

What's his family like? Does he come from a selfish, toxic family? My neighbour is a selfish, self centred cow and her daughter is similar.

Not everyone will agree with you about this decision to continue the marriage, but as long as it is the one you have made, it will feel more comfortable if you accept that it comes with a cost to you in terms of spending your life with someone you hate and despise at least some of the time, and look for other things in life to make you happy.
Of course the children would be upset by a breakup, but they are most likely being affected by the atmosphere between the two of you already. Many children are very sensitive to this kind of thing but may not say anything to you about it.

Oh yeah, the 50/50 thing.

My exh went a bit further. He told me that he was going to get a relation of a friend of his, the relation was a GP, not my GP I hasten to add, so he'd never treated me in any capacity. I'd only met him at most a couple of times socially, and barely spoken to him.

This man, apparently was going to write a letter saying that I was mentally unstable - I'd suffered from post natal depression with my first child - and he, my exh, on the strength of this letter, would take the children away from me and I'd never see them again.

That was only one of the many threats he made regarding custody of the children and there were others about the house; apparently I was going to have to leave 'his' house - I think he gave me about 2 months notice - as he was getting married again in a few months and needed to move his new wife in - we weren't even divorced at that point.

Anyway, it turned out that in actual fact he didn't want to spend any time with the children at all let alone bring them up full time on his own.

Another golfer funnily enough, among his several other hobbies, and totally self absorbed too; there are, it seems, an awful lot of them about.

When we split my ex said he wanted 50:50 of our high school aged kids. Like you OP I found it hard not to laugh.

For the first couple of months had them once a fortnight for tea ( a frozen pizza). At that point he was paying child maintenance and he tried to deduct the cost of the meal from how much he paid.

Then his affair partner moved in to his place and he went to seeing the kids for coffee about once every three months.

Several years down the line he sees them once or twice a year for about two hours.

Mr 50:50 dad of the year 🤣

If that’s the case what makes you think he will suddenly be able to look after 3 children 50:50? He might want to do that but he will quickly give up when he realises that it actually requires effort to get kids to school for example. If he doesn’t take them to clubs on his contact days you can re-arrange them to other days. There is a solution to every obstacle you put in front of yourself.

As for avoiding conflict and wanting a quiet life, teach your kids that life is too precious to put up with people who suck the energy out of you for the sake of a quiet life. If you can’t leave him for yourself, do it for your kids.

This will not happen, he is bluffing, as many do.

OP I want to recommend a youtube channel to you, in Shorts, he is brilliant -
(or to anyone else in this miserable but not uncommon situation )- its called
chrisgqperry

also of course the redoubtable Natalie Lue at Baggage Reclaim

After only looking after them both by himself for a total of 3 times for a few hours over their whole life I tried not to laugh in his face. He has no idea what it is to be a parent as he hasn't partaken in being one

Oh I recognise this OP. I've had three hospital stays and one holiday where he's had to look after both kids in the space of 17 years and I got home to chaos on each occasion. Absolutely no clue. It's actually funny that they think they can suddenly become the parent they should always have been when demanding 50/50.

CMS doesn't care about his willingness so he will be forced to contribute...

He's a vile piece of shit.

The ladies of the Aqua Tofana fame had the best idea.

Do we need a modern version?

Aqua Tofana was a poison used in 17th-century Italy. Giulia Tofana supplied it to women seeking to escape abusive marriages. It was given in small doses so it mimicked the symptoms of natural illnesses and allowing the victim to die without raising suspicion. Personally I think Giulia should have been canonised! All hail St. Giulia.

.

He is a vile piece of shit.

Your kids won't want to be with him when they're older I bet. I imagine that will start long before they turn 18.

Get yourself and them away from him.
He won't want them 50/50 anyway as that will impinge on his "me" time and golf?

The logistics may be difficult, but you would still be much happier without him. He has utter contempt for you but is relying on your never doing anything about it.

What you say about his behaviour at work is quite illuminating. He must be absolutely hated by his colleagues and normally these workshy unpleasant people eventually take things too far and disciplinary procedures will be started.

He brings nothing positive to your life or your children's lives. Bite the bullet and tell him that you have had enough and would like him to leave. If he refuses, stop doing anything for him. Don't cook for him, don't wash his clothes, don't buy food for him and don't sleep with him.

He brings nothing positive to your life. Make a plan to end this relationship.