That moment you realise you really do hate them

The fact that he even asked whether you wanted him to attend is enough to make you realise how little investment he has in you. Would you still be with him if you did not have children and joint finances with him ?
If not then take the children and leave or better kick him out and have a better life.

Just to say, I recognise what @bobiebobie was saying. My ex had been so awful for so long by the time I told him it was over, that he really wasn't capable of being much worse. I hardly noticed any increase in the foul behaviour because it had been there all along.

Wish I had a magic wand to fast forward this year.

@Thetimeisno

Really, don't. The next year will be hard, but it will also be incredibly empowering. When we are in a relationship with someone who we have to treat with kid gloves and walk on eggshells, we give up doing so much for ourselves. This will be a year of making decisions that are in YOUR best interests, and while you will undoubtedly get pushback, you can use the strength that comes from no longer giving a shit about what your ex wants to ground yourself and power through.

Every time you choose a piece of new furniture, or set up a new electricity account, or make a new schedule that focuses on what works for you and the kids, or don't bother to clean up the kitchen right after dinner in order to avoid a drama, or cook a meal that he wouldn't like or sleep spread-eagled over an empty bed, you can think "This is FOR ME."

You'll be doing the same or only marginally more work than you presently are but without the weighty burden of resentment that there's another adult in the house who you're dragging along with you.

After a couple of months in his new house, my ex had the nerve to complain to me about how much the dust showed up on the wooden floors and how he had to vacuum it every week and it took soooo long. I literally laughed in his face because he often used to refuse to do the vacuuming at home because the carpet hid the dust, and the fact that it still made my son and I sneeze didn't matter to him.

@Thetimeisno Tell him straight if he does not step up as a parent to his kids so you can be there for your parent that you will
divorce him and mean it !

Then do it anyway !

Next time he says you are rubbish at something . Say yeah yeah I am so over your deflection technique. It’s frankly boring, as you are .

Make your leave LTB plan and do it .

I'm going through this right now after I stuck with the b*stard for almost 19 years. I was like you, making excuses for him in my head, worrying about the fallout if i ended it and scared of leaving our son with him alone and was totally miserable. Like other have said you will just reach the point where you will just have had enough and after you just say those two words "its over" a massive weight will be lifted off your shoulders and you will surprise yourself with how strong you can be. Has it been challenging? Yes! Is it any worse than the crap i've had to endure over all these year? NO!!!! It's so much easier because there is an end in sight! Stop making excuses, it will never be 'the right time", you will never have every duck in a row, you cannot have a plan for every eventuality, just do it and everything will fall into place. You'll be surprised at how many people can see how much of an a'hole he is and will admit this to you once you've separated. You will also be surprised about how much help there is financially out there. This was my main worry along with the shared custody but its all working out one small step at a time, you've got this! x

Get rid of him

My, he's a prince amongst men, isn't he! What a catch.

Only you can decide if you're going to part company with him but for what it's worth, you deserve more than this carping, immature whinger.

Do you really want this to be the rest of your life?

Going through this myself. I've had every threat thrown at me under the sun, including telling everyone I'm 'mentally unstable'. He did it during our marriage and has done it during our separation.

Even though its stressful, every day I wake up and I'm so grateful I'm not with him anymore! He is an evil twat and I'm enjoying watching him panic about the future without me doing everything.

It's so freeing when you accept the fact that you no longer love the person who has made your life a misery for years, and in fact you actually despise them.

I spent years fucking with my own head to rationalise, justify and excuse the ways that my ex behaved out of a misguided belief that I loved him, even as he became harder and harder and eventually impossible to love. Of course, I wasn't the only one fucking with my head; he'd been doing it for even longer than I had.

It was also an incident with an ill parent that gave me a moment of clarity - my dad had a life-saving but high-risk operation that was meant to be three hours long but ended up lasting for eight. My mum was a wreck and my brother had even flown in from overseas to be there for it. All I asked of my ex was that he come home from work a little early, give the kids dinner and put them to bed so I could go to the hospital in the evening to be with my family.

I got home late and so emotionally exhausted that I couldn't even eat. My ex had had an easy night and had been reading in bed since 7.30pm after the kids went to sleep. As I collapsed into bed, my ex said, "Did you bring the shopping in from the car like I asked you?" (He had forgotten it himself earlier, and texted me to bring it in when I got home from the hospital.) I said "Oh... no, I forgot." He silently stared at me until it became really uncomfortable. Eventually I said, "Are you expecting me to bring it in now?" He replied, "I already told you to do it." I knew he was being a dick but did not have it in me to have a fight about it so just got up and went and got it so I could go to sleep. But as I got back into bed, I said, "Do you not think it would have been kind to offer to do that given the day I've had?"

Well. That was it. He got up and paced around having a massive rant about how unreasonable I was, how I had forgotten to do what he asked so it wasn't his responsibility to deal with it, that he was all nice and relaxed and didn't want to get up and as I'd just been up myself I shouldn't have a problem with getting up again, that I was bitching at him and making a mountain out of a molehill and I should shut up and go to sleep as he didn't want to hear anything about it. Then he stormed off into the bathroom and slammed the door.

I should have been upset and angry, but the shock of his behaviour actually gave me a moment of clarity and overwhelming calmness that was almost euphoric, like a bright light suddenly shining into every corner of my mind. I thought, "In one of the rare moments that I need some care, this is who he chooses to be. He is a complete prick, I genuinely hate him, and it's no wonder I do. I am done here."

My life is so much fucking better without him.

I have read all your posts and I am so sorry you are going through this. There is absolutely no way he will have the kids 50:50 from what you have put. It will all be your fault though as you will be taking him away from his kids. Men like him won’t take any responsibility for their own actions. You can do this though, you can be strong. Don’t let your kids grow up in the middle of this, you will regret it later on.
good luck to you, you can do this.

Mine did that and left me with five kids, huge bills and a part time job. It was hell for a few years. The freedom is nice but only if you can finance it.

This is my situation and I find it ideal. I have absolute freedom from him.

Thanks yeah he's finally trying to do that mind the boys are 24 and 19 now 😂

Wishing your mum all the best.
You can do it on your own, it sounds like you practically are anyway. There is help out there too if you don't earn over a certain amount. Mediation might be a good option if he agrees.
I realised I needed to leave my relationship when my mum rang to say my dad had just died. My now ex heard her say it, stopped scrolling on his phone for all of 5 seconds to look at me and then carried on looking at mindless shit on Facebook. He spent most of the wake on his phone.

@Thetimeisno staying with him is not easier than splitting. The first few months will be emotionally difficult, although not more difficult than living with a selfish bstd. You will be better off, financially, emotionally and so will your children.

Hope everything goes well with your mum. 💐

Been in hospital couple of times last one a mini stroke youngest son video called dads cold how do we use the heating , signed my self out as he couldn't cope with 2 boys and our dog , first time came home after 7 days in hospital to a shit hole of takeaway boxs ,

All I can say is, go now. Otherwise, in a few years, you will look back on multiple occasions when you have been let down but find, for whatever reason, that you've left it too late. You deserve more.

Could you possibly downsize OP? Obviously this depends upon your housing situation but it it is a sure way of getting him out if everyone is going. I'm glad you have plans in motion. He will be as unpleasant as possible and it will be a nice wake-up call for him when he has to pay all the bills on his new place. I doubt he'll see much of the kids and they won't miss him.

Some men are total arseholes - I’d get rid of him. However do bear in mind if you split, you’ll exchange one set of problems for another so bide your time and do a bit of forward planning.