That moment you realise you really do hate them

Thetimeisno · 2025-01-05T22:32:00+00:00

DM is having life saving operation followed by ongoing treatment starting next week. Had a family gathering today as she was too ill over Xmas. DH knew at Xmas it was going to either be today or yesterday based on greater availability. States he didn't know it was definitely happening so booked to play golf and go for drinks afterwards. Asks me yesterday do I want him to come. I say yes but what about golf. He says he can get out of it. I ask later is he coming and he says no he really should play golf 🤬🤬🤬😡😡😡 Also said I may need to make trips back home a day a week to help out DM and his response is 'well it depends what day it is' - we have 2 primary school age children. He barely works, just lazes around the house doing nothing. Will save you the expletives but he's such a lazy........ Think this really is it. I couldn't despise him more.

Nannylovesshopping · 19/01/2025 16:58

Also thinking of you, am so hoping you are ok and have kicked the useless husband in the bin!

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 18/01/2025 23:17

Thinking of you and hoping you're OK @Thetimeisno

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 09/01/2025 20:37

goody2shooz · 09/01/2025 18:11

@Thetimeisno time to get yourself to a good family lawyer. Know what you’re entitled to, knowledge is power.

Edited

I have one I sought advice from when he said he would stop me from seeing the kids and also would make me leave the house and I think she's good but how do you know 😬

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goody2shooz · 09/01/2025 18:11

@Thetimeisno time to get yourself to a good family lawyer. Know what you’re entitled to, knowledge is power.

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 09/01/2025 17:57

Daleksatemyshed · 09/01/2025 17:42

What a nasty selfish man he is Op, you've put up with his shit for far too long already. Keep going with the plan to leave, your life will be so much better without him

He really is. I couldn't leave back then as I wasn't working. I have worked really hard to pay off all the debt from my maternity leaves as he wouldn't help me out (he has savings, I had credit cards!). Now I'm working I am in a much better position thank god.

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Daleksatemyshed · 09/01/2025 17:42

What a nasty selfish man he is Op, you've put up with his shit for far too long already. Keep going with the plan to leave, your life will be so much better without him

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 09/01/2025 12:08

Carouselfish · 09/01/2025 10:29

It is those crisis moments where they show true colours.
I was off work sick once and begged then bf to bring cures. He turned up all irritated with some sucky sweets. Not even cough sweets. And nothing else but an attitude. That was the end. Clearly too self involved and lacking empathy.

Oh gosh yes. That's the other thing that makes me think. Once I get older and inevitably have illnesses he won't be there for me. I recently had a sickness bug and he still went to the pub. He asked me if I should go. I said I didn't know (as didn't want to be blamed for not letting him go) and he went. Left me at home throwing up with the kids!

The worst was when I had COVID though when my midwife said I needed medicine to stop myself and/or unborn child getting a blood clot. It was the time you had to self isolate, he wanted me to go but I asked him to go and get it for me. First time he went they didn't have it, we then had to wait for the delivery but the pharmacy wasn't sure if it was to be on the next delivery etc. I asked him to go again and was met with huffing and puffing and he said 'it was interrupting his day and stopping him doing what he wants to do'. If the tables had been turned and he was pregnant with something minor and needed some medicine I would have gone to hell and high water to get it for him!

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Original poster

Thetimeisno · 09/01/2025 12:00

Sazzerss · 09/01/2025 10:06

OP, you sound so lovely.
You will get out and you will thrive and so will your children.
Never under estimate how much they see and know.
What age are they?
Start gathering anything of sentimental value and move to your parents.
Spring cleaning now is good if you plan on moving out.
Moving stuff to your parents like bedding towels etc so you have access to them.
Tell family and good friends the truth.
Talk to Women's aid because he absolutely is abusive.

Over the years I have heard of many selfish golfing pricks like yours where the women never left.
Several of these men had serious illness incapacitating illnesses and their wives rufused to be their carers and have them home after a hospital stay.
They insisted they be admitted to nursing homes.
Their husbands were furious but there was fxxk all they could do about it.
They lived out 15+ years in a nursing home.
Their wives lived their lives in peace visiting barely once a week.
Karma.

Thank you so much. I am having therapy and going to a support group, gradually starting to feel stronger. I listened to a podcast last night that said i have the chance to give future generations a chance. And I really feel that ATM. Especially with his dad being the same. I don't want it passed on again. They are 9 and 5.

And oh gosh yes I bet those women were so happy to have peace in their houses at last. ❤️

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Carouselfish · 09/01/2025 10:29

It is those crisis moments where they show true colours.
I was off work sick once and begged then bf to bring cures. He turned up all irritated with some sucky sweets. Not even cough sweets. And nothing else but an attitude. That was the end. Clearly too self involved and lacking empathy.

Sazzerss · 09/01/2025 10:06

OP, you sound so lovely.
You will get out and you will thrive and so will your children.
Never under estimate how much they see and know.
What age are they?
Start gathering anything of sentimental value and move to your parents.
Spring cleaning now is good if you plan on moving out.
Moving stuff to your parents like bedding towels etc so you have access to them.
Tell family and good friends the truth.
Talk to Women's aid because he absolutely is abusive.

Over the years I have heard of many selfish golfing pricks like yours where the women never left.
Several of these men had serious illness incapacitating illnesses and their wives rufused to be their carers and have them home after a hospital stay.
They insisted they be admitted to nursing homes.
Their husbands were furious but there was fxxk all they could do about it.
They lived out 15+ years in a nursing home.
Their wives lived their lives in peace visiting barely once a week.
Karma.

Balancedcitizen101 · 09/01/2025 08:19

Yes he is in the wrong and yes he needs to pull more weight. Amazing how many of these sort of stories involve a golfing husband. It really is the worst men playing it.

namechangeididtoo · 09/01/2025 08:16

Thetimeisno · 08/01/2025 19:54

Oh wow that's an amazing story! So glad you have a happy ending :-). 🎉🎉🎉

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Thank you.
fate works in mysterious ways 😊

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 08/01/2025 23:08

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 08/01/2025 20:05

Hope everything works out for your mum.
Hopefully you have real life support through this difficult time.
I bet boyo isn't stingy with his golf as it's not a cheap hobby but complaining about kids presents, clothes, holidays etc.

Thank you. He really isn't! And not stingy about going out for drinks all the time either! If he's spending it on him it's fine!!!

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Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 08/01/2025 20:05

Hope everything works out for your mum.
Hopefully you have real life support through this difficult time.
I bet boyo isn't stingy with his golf as it's not a cheap hobby but complaining about kids presents, clothes, holidays etc.

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 08/01/2025 19:58

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 08/01/2025 19:48

Aye it is hard with young kids
Especially when you're doing it on your own.
As pp have said through out he really is a waste of space.
If he's working 2-3hrs a day and getting full time wage he could be sacked if his employer catches on to what he's up to.

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He really should. I have absolutely no clue how they do not know. I mean he WFH but still they must know the output does not equal 37 hours a week!!!!! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

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Original poster

Thetimeisno · 08/01/2025 19:56

Florawest · 08/01/2025 10:35

Sending hugs and prayers to both you and your mum 🙏🏻, yes he might try and blacken you to your children but in time they will see, my youngest just turned 18 has seen for himself what he’s two elder sibling's saw years ago, split when youngest turned 3.

Its a hard road but it gets easier, financially challenging v bare min maintenance never any money towards birthdays or Christmas , but it’s worth it for the freedom and peace.

Just get through these weeks with your mum, stay put and am sure your family/friends will be your rock and rally round to help you/ye.

Be proud of what you have/are doing on a daily basis especially with all the challenges thrown your way.

Team Mumsnet here for you/your children and your mum. 🎉💕

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Thank you that's such a lovely post. I really hope they do see through it all.

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Original poster

Thetimeisno · 08/01/2025 19:55

yohohoCrimbo · 08/01/2025 10:31

You've had incredible support from posters on this board. You really must see 2025 as getting your life back. Good luck op. He will not ever change, whereas you deserve to be free.

Your DC will cope. They simply will. My parent tried to manipulate me and lie about my other parent - vicious insidious lies - and even from a very young age I didn't believe them. Your DC will see and know the truth - they are rather savvy at people reading.

The relationship board is excellent for practical advice. Think about moving your Post, or starting another there.

Thank you I really have. Feel so blessed 😊

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Original poster

Thetimeisno · 08/01/2025 19:54

Namechangedididittoo · 08/01/2025 10:15

My EX was the same.
I was pregnant with our third and they thought she might have a disability they did tests and were ringing that afternoon with results he decided he needed to go out for the day(she was fine)
I was past my due date and he decided to go away for the long weekend and asked a neighbour who I hardly knew (as we had only lived in the neighbourhood 6 weeks)to drive me to the hospital should I go into labour.
the list goes on and on and on
he had affairs and told me if we ever split up it would be him who decided
I was a complete idiot. But I did end the marriage and here’s the twist the neighbour who I hardly knew is now my husband😊

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Oh wow that's an amazing story! So glad you have a happy ending :-). 🎉🎉🎉

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Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 08/01/2025 19:48

Thetimeisno · 07/01/2025 21:01

Thank you for this. And yes I agree. Just wish he realises this before putting the kids through a battle. His friends and family have no idea of the man he is at home and I can already hear the story he will tell them. It'll be pointless trying to tell them the truth. I have tried to talk to some about it but they just say it's hard with young kids etc....

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Aye it is hard with young kids
Especially when you're doing it on your own.
As pp have said through out he really is a waste of space.
If he's working 2-3hrs a day and getting full time wage he could be sacked if his employer catches on to what he's up to.

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 08/01/2025 19:26

carchi · 08/01/2025 09:41

The fact that he even asked whether you wanted him to attend is enough to make you realise how little investment he has in you. Would you still be with him if you did not have children and joint finances with him ?
If not then take the children and leave or better kick him out and have a better life.

I definitely would not be. It's totally that boiling frog analogy. If he had acting anything like this is the beginning I would never had considered having children with him.

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Original poster

Thetimeisno · 08/01/2025 19:24

bobiebobie · 07/01/2025 22:20

I'm going through this right now after I stuck with the b*stard for almost 19 years. I was like you, making excuses for him in my head, worrying about the fallout if i ended it and scared of leaving our son with him alone and was totally miserable. Like other have said you will just reach the point where you will just have had enough and after you just say those two words "its over" a massive weight will be lifted off your shoulders and you will surprise yourself with how strong you can be. Has it been challenging? Yes! Is it any worse than the crap i've had to endure over all these year? NO!!!! It's so much easier because there is an end in sight! Stop making excuses, it will never be 'the right time", you will never have every duck in a row, you cannot have a plan for every eventuality, just do it and everything will fall into place. You'll be surprised at how many people can see how much of an a'hole he is and will admit this to you once you've separated. You will also be surprised about how much help there is financially out there. This was my main worry along with the shared custody but its all working out one small step at a time, you've got this! x

Aah thank you this is very hopeful. We've been together 17 years so I feel like I don't even know what a healthy relationship looks like!

And you are right some of his friends have said 'how do you put up with him?' but in a jokey kind of way. He's the moaner of the group who often starts an argument over politics or taboo issues. One of them said on a night out he's had his quota of him for the next few months and he doesn't like seeing him too often! And that was from one of his best friends. I still believe they wouldn't have a clue what he is really like with me and the kids tho.

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WinkyTinky · 08/01/2025 14:46

@Namechangedididittoo What a great happy ending!!

Florawest · 08/01/2025 10:35

Thetimeisno · 06/01/2025 12:44

I just feel like I'll never be free of him. He'll always be in my life cos of the kids. And he's already working on them to turn them against me. When I'm not there 24-7 i risk what he will say to the kids without me knowing 😭😭😭

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Sending hugs and prayers to both you and your mum 🙏🏻, yes he might try and blacken you to your children but in time they will see, my youngest just turned 18 has seen for himself what he’s two elder sibling's saw years ago, split when youngest turned 3.

Its a hard road but it gets easier, financially challenging v bare min maintenance never any money towards birthdays or Christmas , but it’s worth it for the freedom and peace.

Just get through these weeks with your mum, stay put and am sure your family/friends will be your rock and rally round to help you/ye.

Be proud of what you have/are doing on a daily basis especially with all the challenges thrown your way.

Team Mumsnet here for you/your children and your mum. 🎉💕

yohohoCrimbo · 08/01/2025 10:31

You've had incredible support from posters on this board. You really must see 2025 as getting your life back. Good luck op. He will not ever change, whereas you deserve to be free.

Your DC will cope. They simply will. My parent tried to manipulate me and lie about my other parent - vicious insidious lies - and even from a very young age I didn't believe them. Your DC will see and know the truth - they are rather savvy at people reading.

The relationship board is excellent for practical advice. Think about moving your Post, or starting another there.

Namechangedididittoo · 08/01/2025 10:15

WinkyTinky · 06/01/2025 10:44

There have been many occasions, and stupidly I have just let them all go and got on with life. I think I have become desensitised to things he has done, and almost ignore it now as I am so used to his behaviour. Maybe the breaking point was when our son was sick from an allergic reaction and I was on the phone to 111 to see if I should take him to hospital, and dh still chose to go on his night out (one of very very many, not a special occasion or anything) leaving me to have to sort out someone to look after our youngest while I took eldest to A&E. When he came home to find me and eldest not there, and my brother with youngest, he was mystified as to what was going on. He cannot see further than his own nose. I cannot continue to do this, and am taking strength from those saying divorce is hard but the freedom afterwards is worth every second. Good luck OP, you can do it, and you MUST do it. Best wishes to your mum.

My EX was the same.
I was pregnant with our third and they thought she might have a disability they did tests and were ringing that afternoon with results he decided he needed to go out for the day(she was fine)
I was past my due date and he decided to go away for the long weekend and asked a neighbour who I hardly knew (as we had only lived in the neighbourhood 6 weeks)to drive me to the hospital should I go into labour.
the list goes on and on and on
he had affairs and told me if we ever split up it would be him who decided
I was a complete idiot. But I did end the marriage and here’s the twist the neighbour who I hardly knew is now my husband😊