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AIBU?

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Partner wants me to move

82 replies

Elyi · 05/01/2025 22:08

I’ve been seeing this guy for roughly a year. We have had quite a few trials and tribulations in that time. To cut a long story short, I was expecting but due to his insistence about it being to soon, I ended up terminating the pregnancy. Fast forward to now, he wants us to move in together but has told me it’s either near where his child (14) lives or we are over. I have a 12 year old of my own and this was never something he never said was set in stone. It’s not an area that’s particularly great. I’ve explained my concerns which have fallen on deaf ears. Part of the issue is he is estranged from his child despite a 50/50 court order. I’m not set against it, just that I’m not being heard at all, and instead being told his child is his number one priority and he will allocate time to other priorities thereafter….ie us. I also need to consider my child’s best interests. He also expects me to prioritise him and his child over my life and dreams etc. I did ask if I’m not his priority then how can he be expect me to make him his. I feel incredibly selfish. The thing is, there is no contact and he only lives 40 minutes away in an area I’d be happy to live. Apparently that isn’t suitable for him etc. I did suggest that he can’t go back to court to enforce contact and a breach of the order when he never turns up to enforce it or keep a diary of this. Also, he had managed to fit in time for a new relationship and act very footloose in the time I’ve known him. Again, he never responded to these points and deflected a lot. Most communication wasn’t compassionate but stark and full of ultimatums. Am I wrong to be feeling put out? I would love to meet his child and us all get along yet asking me to buy into a house with all the above and then scoffing at a commitment towards me such as marriage given the commitment I’d be making…it all feels off. Any advice would be welcomed and I don’t mind if it is that I’m the one at fault here. Thanks. :)

OP posts:
Elyi · 05/01/2025 23:10

Right, I am so grateful for the unvarnished feedbacks. I have been blind and absolutely brainwashed by him. I doubt this is his first rodeo at 50. Yes, I ignored the red flags and manipulation because I do very much love him. That said, my child comes first and having put it into words, it’s startlingly obvious he’s an utter s* bag of a man.
You'll be pleased to know I have told him in no uncertain terms what a load of garbage he’s spewing. That he is full of it re his child and in every other aspect I’ve encountered. He’s blocked and deleted. Yes, it’s painful but I feel a sense of relief that I dodged a huge bullet and so much future pain. And….yes, he has been physical with me on a few occasions. In anger he raised his fist once. Why I didn’t run then, who knows. I have been an idiot but so glad I came on here, put it into words and saw the light. My overriding feeling isn’t sadness but relief. THAT is telling. Thank you all so much 🙂

OP posts:
Greenfingers37 · 05/01/2025 23:08

He's a walking red flag! Prioritise your child and dump him.

pinkdelight · 05/01/2025 23:07

I also need to consider my child’s best interests.

Not also. Only. That's all you need to do. Makes it simple. This guy doesn't care about you or your DC so you have to.

Bestfootforward11 · 05/01/2025 23:06

Nope, this guy sounds selfish, incapable of basic respectful communication and has not got a clue what being a good partner means. Your instinct is telling you his behaviour is not ok, and it really isn’t. Time to move on. Good luck.

Ellie56 · 05/01/2025 23:04

Elyi · 05/01/2025 22:21

Thanks. I just wasn’t sure if it was me

It's not you, it's him. He's a controlling twat and you need to take your child and run for the hills.

Turmerictolly · 05/01/2025 23:02

Mean this kindly but you need to work on raising your self esteem and worth for the sake of you and your child. Glad to see you are starting by questioning what this dick is 'offering'. Hope you see the light.

andthat · 05/01/2025 22:58

Elyi · 05/01/2025 22:21

Thanks. I just wasn’t sure if it was me

Then kindly, you really need to work on yourself @Elyi.

Read your original post back to yourself and ask yourself why on earth your self worth is so low that you’d even question if you are being unreasonable.

saltandvinegarchipsticks · 05/01/2025 22:58

There’s no point going to court for a 14yo, but it’s very likely that there’s a good reason for his child refusing to see him.

CandyLeBonBon · 05/01/2025 22:58

Elyi · 05/01/2025 22:21

Thanks. I just wasn’t sure if it was me

It's not just you. He's waving more red flags than a communist convention. Run. And just be thankful that you won't be forever tied to this dickhead by having his child. I'm sorry if you felt forced into that situation and I hope you're ok. Under the circumstances though, it looks like you dodged a bullet.

Please walk away from this garbage.

BellesAndGraces · 05/01/2025 22:54

Elyi · 05/01/2025 22:21

Thanks. I just wasn’t sure if it was me

If you genuinely weren’t sure then I seriously think it would be helpful for you to see a therapist. Investing that time in yourself now may well pave the way to a future with a loving, respectful partner.

Mittens67 · 05/01/2025 22:53

With very best of intentions I have to ask OP, are you bonkers? Surely to christ you can see this man is not somebody to rely on, to build a life with???
Read back what you have written and think what you would tell a friend whose boyfriend was behaving like this.
Better to be single than destroy your life pandering to a selfish arsewipe.

EsmeSusanOgg · 05/01/2025 22:53

This is not a healthy relationship. End it. You deserve better.

Endofyear · 05/01/2025 22:51

Honestly? I'd dump him, he sounds like a complete arse 🙄

YourWildAmberSloth · 05/01/2025 22:51

You are being unreasonable for even considering staying in a relationship with this man. Raise the bar fgs. Put your child first. It's not hard and its not complicated. I despair at the number of posts like yours that I keep reading on MN especially as there always seem to be children involved.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 05/01/2025 22:51

arethereanyleftatall · 05/01/2025 22:22

Oh for gods sake. Stop being so bloody stupid. He's utterly vile.

This. I can’t believe what I just read.

Zonder · 05/01/2025 22:50

No way. Especially as you've had "trials and tribulations" in your first year. You deserve better.

SALaw · 05/01/2025 22:48

"Put out"?! That's all you feel? This man is not the one.

StormingNorman · 05/01/2025 22:48

This chap isn’t waving his red flag, he’s put the fucking bunting out!

He isn’t good for you and he most definitely will not be a positive presence in your son’s home.

On a side note: it’s not supposed to be this hard in the first year. This should be the honeymoon period.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 05/01/2025 22:48

asking me to buy into a house with all the above and then scoffing at a commitment towards me such as marriage given the commitment I’d be making…it all feels off.

Yep. Everything about him is off. You know this. Trust your instincts here. You and your son can do a lot better than this.

Secondguess · 05/01/2025 22:47

This has to be a wind up

MrDobbs · 05/01/2025 22:47

If a man says "my child is my first priority, everything else in the world comes after that", that's fair enough. But he hasn't actually put his child first if he's not even seeing them when it's 50/50; quite opposite.

And even then, if he's taking the position his child is number 1 priority in his life, then he should also understand perfectly why thar is also true for you and your child, and then start a serious conversation with you about whether you can work out something together that works for both of you.

Instead, what he's saying is, if you are willing to prioritise me over everything else, we can have a relationship, but if not, then you can f off. Unless he's a billionaire a world leader or international sportsman, he shouldn't get any takers for his offer

lauraloulou1 · 05/01/2025 22:46

Walk away OP. Hopefully writing it all out shows you why you must. Walk away.

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 05/01/2025 22:45

'Alarm bells, Alarm bells' are ringing!!!!!!!!!!!!

U need to dump this guy. He isn't going to take your needs and wants into consideration. He only wants to use you to help buy a house closer to his child. He sounds absolutely awful.

Get rid otherwise you're going to be stuck in an unhappy relationship. I'd rather be happy and single than be unhappy and in a relationship.

MrsDefrost · 05/01/2025 22:43

For fucks sake - get rid of him. Even if he backtracks you need him out of your life.

Namerequired · 05/01/2025 22:43

You can’t be serious. He wants you to move to be close to his child yet he hasn’t moved closer or seen his child? His child hasn’t taken any priority for him in all this time.
Where is your child considered in any of this? Please please for your child’s sake if nothing else, get away from this ‘man’

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