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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner wants me to move

82 replies

Elyi · 05/01/2025 22:08

I’ve been seeing this guy for roughly a year. We have had quite a few trials and tribulations in that time. To cut a long story short, I was expecting but due to his insistence about it being to soon, I ended up terminating the pregnancy. Fast forward to now, he wants us to move in together but has told me it’s either near where his child (14) lives or we are over. I have a 12 year old of my own and this was never something he never said was set in stone. It’s not an area that’s particularly great. I’ve explained my concerns which have fallen on deaf ears. Part of the issue is he is estranged from his child despite a 50/50 court order. I’m not set against it, just that I’m not being heard at all, and instead being told his child is his number one priority and he will allocate time to other priorities thereafter….ie us. I also need to consider my child’s best interests. He also expects me to prioritise him and his child over my life and dreams etc. I did ask if I’m not his priority then how can he be expect me to make him his. I feel incredibly selfish. The thing is, there is no contact and he only lives 40 minutes away in an area I’d be happy to live. Apparently that isn’t suitable for him etc. I did suggest that he can’t go back to court to enforce contact and a breach of the order when he never turns up to enforce it or keep a diary of this. Also, he had managed to fit in time for a new relationship and act very footloose in the time I’ve known him. Again, he never responded to these points and deflected a lot. Most communication wasn’t compassionate but stark and full of ultimatums. Am I wrong to be feeling put out? I would love to meet his child and us all get along yet asking me to buy into a house with all the above and then scoffing at a commitment towards me such as marriage given the commitment I’d be making…it all feels off. Any advice would be welcomed and I don’t mind if it is that I’m the one at fault here. Thanks. :)

OP posts:
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arcticpandas · 06/01/2025 15:52

@Elyi So relieved you put an end to this. You don't even live together and he has already been abusive towards you. I understand why his 14 year old has chosen to cut him out of his life. And think what he might have done to your 12 year old if you lived together 😨. You both have dodged a bullet!

coxesorangepippin · 06/01/2025 15:18

It's a no from me

These men!!!

Sazzerss · 06/01/2025 15:08

Thank god.
He is utter abusive scum.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It will help you going forward.
Well done.

Nantescalling · 06/01/2025 14:42

He is choosing his DD rather than you. Life will always be like this forever. You don't deserve such a creep.

ThatLimeCat · 06/01/2025 02:49

Good on you for leaving. Well done. It can be hard to see what is really going on when you are in it, I'm glad you were able to get advice here.

Elyi · 06/01/2025 00:58

@raysan oh yes. I really would have. Never mind….I’m out of the s show.

OP posts:
raysan · 06/01/2025 00:34

Id love to hear what his kid's mam has to say about him... 😆

Itiswhysofew · 06/01/2025 00:33

You sound way too nice and good a person for him. Glad you've decided to end itFlowers

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/01/2025 00:22

"it all feels off".

Thats because it absolutely was, as you have now gathered. Well done on giving him his marching orders. He was horrible on so many fronts.

In kindness, I do agree with some of the pp who have said that you need to work on your self esteem.
Despite cataloguing some truly terrible behaviour on his part you said things about your self like "I feel Incredibly selfish."
And told MN readers that you were prepared to be told you were at fault. I can only assume that you've been absorbing this nonsense from him every time you stood up to him.

IT IS ABSOLUTELY OK FOR YOU TO BE SELFISH.
ON YOUR BEHALF AND ON YOUR DD'S BEHALF.

So please stop telling yourself off or feeling that you need to apologise for putting yourself and your DD first. Count your blessings for ending this relationship before he put you through any more of his behaviour and upended your and your DD's life... but absolutely resolve to be more selfish from now on, not less. Best of luck x

pinkdelight · 05/01/2025 23:46

Well done! Hold onto this clarity and no 'but I love him' regrets or backsliding. The physical aspect is an absolute no way back quite apart from his other big issues. Look after yourself and DC and understand how this happened so it won't happen again. You're worth so much more.

pikkumyy77 · 05/01/2025 23:42

Good going!

HarelessMiffy · 05/01/2025 23:42

This man has more red flags than a Chinese bunting factory.
Do not buy a house with him. Do not have a child with him.

BettyBardMacDonald · 05/01/2025 23:41

Mylovelygreendress · 05/01/2025 22:15

Why would you even consider moving in with this man ?? He sounds awful .

Exactly. Dump this loser from your life.

Start off the new year with higher standards.

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 05/01/2025 23:37

Sorry OP, I voted you were BU because you must be mad to even think of moving for this guy. Dump him, YOU can definitely do better!!

TwoBlueFish · 05/01/2025 23:34

Absolutely do not move in with this man. Prioritise your son and yourself and get rid of him.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 05/01/2025 23:31

I voted YABU.
Because come bloody on.

candycane222 · 05/01/2025 23:31

👏👏👏👏👏 for you @Elyi

Haroldwilson · 05/01/2025 23:31

Good you're rid of him. Don't get with anyone else until you understand how you could have even thought for a second that he was a decent man.

StormingNorman · 05/01/2025 23:30

Great start to the new year!

NZDreaming · 05/01/2025 23:30

@Elyi glad you’ve taken decisive action to rid yourself of this utter waste of space. Two things going forward;

  1. do not allow yourself to be sucked back in by him, write a list of all the pain and awful things he’s done and look at it anytime you feel tempted/lonely/he promises you the world.
  2. take some time to assess why you allowed yourself to be railroaded and treated so poorly by him. Why did you think you could even vaguely be being unreasonable?have you always been in bad relationships? Perhaps seek some counselling or try some journaling to work out your thoughts and identify patterns of behaviour you can work on to change in the future.
best of luck
CandyLeBonBon · 05/01/2025 23:27

Well done @Elyi onwards and upwards. It's absolutely the right decision

Ellie56 · 05/01/2025 23:19

Well done @Elyi .

pikkumyy77 · 05/01/2025 23:15

arethereanyleftatall · 05/01/2025 22:22

Oh for gods sake. Stop being so bloody stupid. He's utterly vile.

I think this about sums it up.

Look, OP, you seem sincerely confused about how people communicate snd make decisions in a healthy relationship. This man ignores your perfectly reasonable statements of self interest snd concern for your child. You fight to make yourself heard and then he argues eith you, shuts you fown, and returns to his original unreasonable demands snd issues ultimatums.

Isnt this OBVIOUSLY bad?

healthybychristmas · 05/01/2025 23:12

I wouldn't even want to sit next to this man on the bus never mind move in with him. Keep away from him! You deserve so much better than someone like that.

Neveranynamesleft · 05/01/2025 23:10

Hurrah

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