Mum calling my childhood bully "nice" and "respectful"

Your mum has no emotional intelligence, or very low at least.

Your mum has based her opinion on the person she knows now, and from what you have said I think she was unaware of the bullying until you recently told her?

You are basing your opinion on the person you knew then.

It must be extremely hard to have gone through this, and now feel that what happened is being minimised, especially by your own mum.

But I don't think your mum has been unreasonable, she hasn't done anything deliberate to hurt you, it's just circumstances.

Jesus wept. Your mum is very out of line here. Maybe the bully has changed and is no longer a nasty piece of shit but to completely disregard such a huge horrible experience is way out of order on your mum's part.

I get the sense this sort of behaviour is typical of your mum. The fact you question whether you are over reacting also tells me you are probably used to being accused of being ' too sensitive ' or you are ' over reacting ' and you've heard that alot from your mum or other family members. I'd be putting mum at a significant distance and would cut communication down significantly. If she cares enough to ask why I'd kindly explain how incredibly dismissive, cruel and hurtful this behaviour is. She is refusing to even hear you and what you experienced.

Not ok.

No, YANBU. If anyone bullied my DC and caused them to have ongoing issues the last thing I would ever do is describe them as nice or respectful. In fact my DD was bullied some years ago and I won't post here the names I use to refer to those individuals still to this day.

What about respect to you as her daughter?

Your mum is being a dickhead. Sorry to be blunt! Honestly though, that's just absolutely twatty. I would hate anyone who bullied my dd.

I would stop visiting my mum until she stops contact with the bully.

Also do not let Mum visit you.

Don’t cave, even for birthdays.

Gently, YABU.
From what you're saying, your mum has a relationship with this person through their mother (apparently for a long time?) and didn't know she had caused you grief until very recently, 26 years after it happened...

I don't think it's completely unreasonable that she base her opinion on her own experience with that individual in these circumstances. She probably doesn't remember that person as a teen but as the adult she's been for a really long time now.

You need to work on yourself if this is affecting you so much.

What sort of mother makes friends with the woman who bullied her daughter at school badly enough to lead to life long self esteem issues and an eating disorder, never mind telling her daughter that she thinks the bully is nice? That is such an insensitive and cruel thing to say.

I would certainly reduce the time I spent with her and look into getting some therapy.

Well she ISN’T nice she is just two faced. She was horrible to you and you are allowed to just respond that she was a vile little arse to you and you don’t want to talk about her again.

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this, fully understand, you've had the rug swept from under you, someone you love and cherish, who is meant to love and cherish you standing with your abuser.

I'm not sure what advice to give but I didn't want to read and run. My first thought would be to explain to mum that the bully is the root of your 13 yr old hurt and pain, and even though she has since been nice to mum, she hurt you very badly historically. Mum will either stand by her view, or change it, I'm not convinced she will change, and I don't know how I'd deal with that. Maybe cut contact for some time, explaining that you don't want to hear about the bully, you need some time to yourself