Mum calling my childhood bully "nice" and "respectful"

I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

I was viciously bullied (also by a former friend) between the ages of 12 and 16. She physically assaulted me more than once, psychologically terrorised me, and led a hate campaign that led to other girls bullying/assaulting me, too. I also struggled with food issues, I became borderline agoraphobic, and my hair was thinning due to stress. I'm in my mid 30s now and, like you, the effects of that experience have followed me throughout life.

By freak coincidence, my bully is my sister-in-law's sister-in-law (my brother's wife has a brother, who is married to Bully). For several reasons, my brother didn't put two and two together for a long time, and he only told me because we were both non-negotiable guests at their wedding so he had to warn me. I avoided all pre-wedding/Hen-related events because she was also invited, and I had multiple panic attacks in the lead up to the day itself.

That was three years ago and it still bothers me that my brother hangs out with Bully. In fact, he and SIL just spent Christmas at her house, celebrating and doing "family" things with the only person in this world I truly hate. I try to remind myself that he is a few years younger and so wasn't really aware of the bullying as it happened but he's a grown man now, who knows exactly what she put me through back then. I hate that he's willing to overlook it.

Growing up there was a family two doors away from us, three girls and a boy (the youngest) - I was the same age as the youngest sister. I was bullied by her two older sisters, she tried to be friends with me but sat back afraid of her sisters. The son was a nightmare. Caused fires, called out fire engines on hoax calls. The dad had been in prison and the mum yelled and screamed at people in the street. They once asked me and their daughter to watch a film with them and it was soft porn. The son has had three wives and at the very least been in trouble with the police, may have been in prison, I don't know for sure. He regularly filled up at petrol stations and drove off without paying.

The local facebook "village memories" page says what a nice family they were and how wonderful all of them are. They have cousins who are fundamentally decent. It makes me sick to see people fawning how wonderful the mum and dad were (they've died now). They were all horrors apart from the girl my age, who was just passive, really, but a bit manipulative.

Your mum has been insensitive here.

YANBU OP

Bullying can trigger very deep emotions - hurt, distress, anger

seems heartless of your mum

Regardless, OP is not obliged to forgive/ forget, and is still allowed to be traumatised by what this woman did to her as a girl.

What seems upsetting is her mum trying to defend this woman's past actions/ rugsweep rather than deal with the difficult emotions of acknowledging she can like a person who did something so awful to someone she loves.

I have several friends who are friends with a past childhood bully (they are not friends from school). She is a demonstrably different person to them, ironically doing many of the things that she bullied me for. I have no desire to have anything to do with her. If I am asked I will say 'she bullied me in school'. I'm not asking them to change their relationship with her,.but I do not wish to hear anything about her, and have her muted/ blocked on any social.media where she may show up.

OP's mum likes this woman. And cannot reconcile that this woman was really awful in the last to hee daughter. So she would rather her daughter minimise how badly the bullying affected her. That is a betrayal. Not the getting on with the woman (if she did not know about the bullying until recently).

This - said firmly. This is a very reasonable response to your mum. It acknowledges that she appears to be a pleasant person so your DM’s view of her is not wrong - but it makes it clear to your DM that she was very unpleasant as a teen and you do not want to meet her or hear about her. Your DM needs to take that on board. If she persists in talking about her after this conversation, then I would progress to firmer responses - end of phone call, end of visit etc

@thepariscrimefiles Yes this was my take too. Even if the mother thinks the bully is okay now there is simply no reason for her to bring this up to the OP unprompted. Why did she? I can only assume to cause discomfort or upset to the OP. It seems like she set out to do this which is unacceptable.

But her daughter has recently told her mother in detail how bad the bullying was. I think it is also telling that OP didn't tell her mum what was going on at the time. I assume that she didn't think that her mum would be supportive or sympathetic.

The bully may be a different person from the 13 year old, but she obviously hasn't done anything to make amends or apologise to OP.

Irrespective of OP's mum's opinion of the bully based on the fact that this woman is always polite to her, how cruel and insensitive is she to raise the subject unprompted at dinner with OP, OP's DH and children and tell them all that she thinks that OP's bully is really nice? She can have her own private positive opinion of the bully without bringing this up with her daughter.

OP you said that you 'didn't draw a direct line to the eating disorder', in which case your Mum probably hasn't grasped just how unhappy this girl made you. Rather than doing anything drastic like going no contact, try having a conversation with your Mum, tell her that the bullying was so severe, that it was what led to your eating disorder, and that while this girl has presumably grown up might seem nice now, hearing your own DM tell your DH that she likes her, and that she's nice, etc., really upset you, so please don't bring up her name again. If, once you have put your DM fully in the picture, and asked her not to speak of this woman in front of you in future, she does it again, then by all means distance yourself, but don't just do it without fully explaining to her how the mention of this woman being 'nice', after what she put you through, makes you feel.

Then please get yourself some counselling, as what she put you through is clearly still having an effect, and you need some help to come to terms with it.

Presumably you'd dislike that 13 year old. I wouldn't feel compelled to dislike the 43 year old that she'd become.

That's ridiculous. Her friendship is with the person's mother. She presumably just occasionally run in to the daughter. And the bullying happened 30 years ago!

OP, I think it'd be good to have another conversation with your mum, and make it clear the damage that still remains. You can say that you appreciate that this woman will be a different person now, but you'd rather not hear any more about her, or have to think about her again.

That.

The bullying happened 30 years ago. Realistically your bully is probably not the same person that she was 30 years ago. Your mum has a separate relationship with her mum, and is likely only to have met her daughter in passing.

You've only just now told her about the bullying, and without the extra information about how badly it affected you, her response, though not the best, isn't horrendous. To her it will have been in the dim and distant past and she's not to know that you're not over it. She was just making conversation about the middle aged person that she met, who was polite and pleasant to her.

Are you sure your bully was the root cause of your teenage MH issues and eating disorder?

Because I think your mum might have had something to do with that too... good parents do not behave the way your mum has.

If my DD told me someone had bullied her I would dislike them intensely - that's the appropriate maternal response.

I think some therapy would be a good idea x

Probably it is as much down to an unsupportive mother.

OP, I'm so sorry life has been difficult for you. But, I'm not sure a 13 year old child can be blamed for someone else's lifelong self esteem issues and eating disorders.

I can relate to this in a way as recently saw on a social media a post from a person who bullied me at school. I am in two minds to contact her and explain what she did to me or do I let it go?

If you never spelled out the connexion to your eating disorders with the bullying, it's time you did. If any of your schoolfriends who witnessed the bullying are close enough to ask, get them to talk to your Mum.

She has. Knowing that she bullied her daughter she could have simply said nothing at all

If the bullying had occurred recently, or if your mother knew back when you were 13 that you were being bullied by this girl, then I would agree that your mother has no loyalty and is behaving badly.

However, it’s been 30 years. If this woman is the daughter of her close friend then your mother probably has years of positive stories being told to her, as well as her own positive interactions - I think it’s unreasonable to expect your mother to blank a long time friend and her daughter with no explanation for events that happened 30 years ago. Nobody is the same person they were at 13 so it’s highly probable that this woman has grown up and is the nice person your mum knows her to be. That doesn’t take away from your experience of bullying but it’s unreasonable to expect your experience of over 30 years ago to supersede the more recent and years long positive experiences that your mother has with her.

i think you can tell your mother you don’t wish to speak about or hear about this woman, i think therapy would be useful to deal with the long term impact of the bullying and perhaps look into whether you’re truly upset because of this woman or because you feel like your mother has chosen this woman (the bully) over you.

You're not unreasonable I still have bitter feelings towards people who hurt me in school.

It's insensitive of your mum to say how nice this woman is now but, also, the woman now is not the 13 year-old who bullied you.

I think your idea of therapy is a good one.

So the 13 year old version of this woman was a bully. Have you seen her recently and is she still like she was or has she grown up and is remorseful of how she behaved as a very young teenager ?

Ergh my mum did this. Was all over her Facebook page telling her she was so good and how beautiful and fawning over wedding photos. I get disbelief if I'm doing well in life. We also have the same name which twists the knife a bit more

But her daughter has recently told her about the bullying in great detail. Most normal parents would feel really upset to find out about how badly their child had been bullied and the last thing they would do is tell their child that they thought that the bully was really nice.

Her mum needs to work on her empathy and mothering skills.

Prefixing your post with 'gently' doesn't make it any kinder and less victim blamey.

Did your mum actually know about any of this at the time? If it's completely new information to her and you've only talked about it once I think it's reasonable to try to have another discussion with her and emphasize the impact of this ongoing relationship.

If your mum mentions it again tell her you don’t care and don’t want to hear about it. If she mentions it again get up and leave. Even if you are in the middle of dinner. If she is at your house ask her to leave.
Its a horrible situation.