Mum calling my childhood bully "nice" and "respectful"

Yanbu. Whilst she is technically correct, I don't think that's a typical reaction from any parent. Most parents would feel anger at someone who bullied their child at the time, and likely be wary of them when they were older (or of they think the bully has genuinely changed, at least have the empathy to stay silent about it)

If after 30 years you still have this much unresolved trauma over this that it’s bothering you to this extent, you really need to get yourself some therapy.

The person who bullied you was a child, a horrible child I do not doubt. However they are now a grown adult and it is very common that adults who were bullies in childhood are deeply remorseful for their actions and carry a lot of shame for them. Perhaps it would be cathartic for both of you to talk about it and perhaps this woman is in fact really lovely and has grown up to be a good person.

But first you certainly need to get some help to resolve the lingering issues you have attached to this.

I am very protective of my children and even if the once bullies improved, I still keep a very alert eye and never "like" the bullies. This is my nature as a mum, and also I was not protected by my parents as a child this is very important to me. A mum that does not protect her child no matter what age is The Problem, not the bully. Look at animals, also look at people. Protection is very basic form of love and care.
You are now mature and can access therapy. You will understand. I wish you all the best.

I agree with this, she is probably being extra nice to your mum on purpose, she could have changed but she still did all that hurt and pain and ruined a chunk of your life so why the hell would you want your mum saying these things about her! My mum has done the same to me, a girl who used to bully me at school, my mum says she works at morrisons and she is such a lovely girl. Their generation lacks emotional intelligence.

Blimey my DC’s are now adults but I still have a mental list of all of the kids who were slightly mean to them.
I was actually talking to adult DC’s about this at Christmas and they thought it was hilarious that I still had plans to run down these kids for events they can’t even remember. I always thought I would be great in the mafia; I’m excellent at holding a grudge.
So I think your mum is being very mean and should’ve on your side.

It’s been 30 years. Nobody is the same person they were at 13.

No, her mum doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to have that conversation and the op will just be left feeling more upset.

And she shares that trait with quite a few posters here. I’ve heard the krays were very kind to their mother.

your mistake op, and I know why you did it, was to tell her and expect her to join the dots and think oh if I say that persons lovely that will upset my daughter.

Simple, break contact with your mother, friends are more important than family, friends have your back.

I completely agree. Also, to say that the mum ‘probably doesn’t remember’ the bully as a teen as it was a long time ago is absurd and irrelevant.

Your mother is entitled to this that someone who bullied her daughter is nice? You have to talk about this to her. She only cares about how nice this vile bitch is to her.

I don't think your been unreasonable at all I think you should approach this bully and tell them how they made you feel as now they would probably have children of there own they would understand bullying more approach your fier get it out in the open and also go and get some help you will feel so much better with someone to let it all out too who really understands and who will sit and listen goodluck hunny😂

Don't change your relationship with your mother. If you hadn't told her about the bullying until now, that's really not fair to her. She has a different view on your ex-friend because she, like you and the rest of us, have grown into different people with age and life experience.
I understand you feel resentful because you believe this person is the cause of your eating disorder, but you have not had therapy and don't mention having had professional intervention to help you with it.
Rather than brood over this and spoil things with your mother, why don't you seek the help you should have had as a teenager?

This.

If I were ever to come across the utter shits who bullied my grandson for years I certainly wouldn't hold back on mentioning the fact whether they were 25, 35, or older.

The thing is, people who are bullies at 13 aren't always when they are adults. Some can be very different - it's not that uncommon for bullies to have had their own growing up issues they were not handling well, because they were children.

You mum met this woman as an adult, and her experience of her is differernt than yours.

Your mum is your mum, so it might be worth telling her how upset you feel. Not in a "your opinion is wrong" kind of way, but tell her that you are struggling with it, regardless of what this woman is like now. It will allow her to e sensitive to your feelings and also, she might be able to support you.

But I think you should probably address your feelings about the bullying with someone like a therapist.

You’re upset because your mum had basically invalidated your experience entirely.
I experienced this, so what happened to you didn’t matter/was fiction.
(She didn’t want to be affected by it)

I really don't see how you can say 'I'm normally very close to my mum but I haven't told her how hurt I feel'. If you're really that close to your Mum normally, then surely you should be able to tell her exactly how what she said made you feel. Obviously I realise that as a teenager it may have been more difficult to make it clear to your parents how bad the bullying was, and how upset it was making you, but you're an adult now, talk to your Mum, tell her how bad it was, and how you feel now too. Communication is key to good relationships, you simply can't expect anyone to read your mind or anticipate how you feel, you really do have to tell them.

I wouldn't care, I'd belt the living daylights out of said bully!!

I had a somewhat related experience as a youngster; I had a great friend who lived just opposite us, but my mother considered them a bit rough and made effort to have me not go and play with them.

there was someone else who lived down the street whose parents she considered "respectable" enough to be associated with, and I was friends with them for a bit but as they got older they became quite a bit of a bully, especially when we were attending high school together.

they say you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends, but it seems that wasn't true either and I was made to hang around with this arse for longer than I really wanted to, and resent that i wasn't "allowed" to be friends with my real friend because she thought the other kid came from a better upbringing.

You shouod not be allowing someone, who you haven’t seen for 30 years, have this level of impact on your life. You are an adult now, and able to process this as an adult. As long as you are still crying, or avoiding social functions etc, you are allowing the bullying to continue.

I was badly bullied at school, emotionally and physically, but have worked it through with therapy and self-help, and I don’t give a tut where my bullies are, what they are doing, ever anyone says about them, they have no power over me.

Oh bullies know fine well who they have to be nice to. And who they can persecute. I would check out that therapy.

It's because she's your Mum and she's supposed to have your back. That's why it hurts so much. I'd go low contact with Mum.

This.