Mum calling my childhood bully "nice" and "respectful"

If this isn't satire, the human race is doomed to become a world of isolated crazies

It's not an appropriate adult response to dislike someone because another person told you to. That's weird teenage pack mentality and not at all normal.
Op has had an immature emotional reaction to something that happened a long time ago. Op hasn't bothered looking into why the other person may have 'bullied' them. I'm going to throw it out there, but there are 2 sides to every story and it's possible Op is over reacting to being teased as a child.

It may be that it isn't just the bullying which has affected you, but also lack of emotional support. I can't imagine that your mother was very supportive in your teenage years, if she can't be more sensitive to you, no matter what she thinks of your former bully now.

OP you need to make it very clear to your mother how bad the bullying became and what happened as a result of it. She may be pleasant to your mother but she made your life hell. Tell her that her reaction to this woman is deeply hurtful to you and that you do not wish to discuss this person ever again and you are shocked at your mother’s attitude towards this. I am sorry this happened to you op. Your mother is bang out of order

Well don't let yourself be a victim again. Not that you did the first time, but as you are now an adult, tell your mother exactly how she made you feel. Tell her what happened and her words and friendship with the bully's mother, and the bully herself, makes her a shit mother. Why should you suffer alone again.

The fact that you doubt yourself and what is right, by saying that ‘it all sounds petty’, suggests to me that you may still have self esteem issues.

As a mother myself, if anyone had bullied my child to that extent, there is no chance I’d want to cross paths with them again. If I saw them in the street, I’d offer a smile and hello but that’s it. No matter how convincing they were, I’d not trust them again.

your mother is either extremely naive, delusional, in denial, is insensitive or uncaring about your wellbeing, or actively trying to hurt you. Whichever one it is, you are absolutely in the right place to draw boundaries and keep a distance, for the protection of your wellbeing and your children. Show yourself and your children, that you matter.

Your mother might have found her nice now but it's a way of phrasing. She could have said "it looks like she has changed" and I don't think you'd be as triggered. Explain to your mother how bad you feel and ask her to never mention her again. YANBU OP. ❤️

I would be very tempted to contact that person but would you be prepared if they responded negatively?

A man once cut my leg with a beer bottle on a drunken night out years ago, I still have the nasty scar. I didn't report it as he was from a local family and didn't want to cause trouble.
My mum still sees him around as she goes to the same pub quiz as him and always has to tell 'oh your friend was there last night' with a laugh as though it is funny!
I have told her 'if someone cut my child's leg open, I wouldn't speak to them again'... she says 'well it would look odd to everyone if I just ignored him!'
Very strange.

If somebody upsets my child, I struggle to forgive and forget. I’d rather someone upset me.

Bullies are good at manipulating. She will have wanted your mum to think she’s “nice”. Your mother has been played by the bully. However I would expect more emotional maturity from your mother. It was hurtful of her to say what she said. it sounds like your mother suppressed the more difficult emotions and muddled along and your left with all the emotional baggage. You need to find a safe place to put it all down and take the weight off your shoulders. Counselling might be helpful.

@BeckyWithTheGoodBear that is very upsetting. My parents did a version of this with the person who abused me and my sister. It was complicated by the person being a family member but they absolutely made my not just getting over it the problem rather than the behaviour of the abuser as some people have done here to you on this thread too.

Someone else put it well you likely struggled as much with your mother’s deficiencies as a mother as you did with the bullying. Certainly I could not have gone to my parents with the abuse I was experiencing due to what I can see now was my having a good handle on their significant character and parenting flaws as a young child.

It is very triggering and upsetting and I am sorry you experienced that at 13 and the rerun now with your Mum who clearly lacks empathy and emotional maturity.

My mother used to come out with shit like yours, OP. It's important to understand that your mother will not change, no matter what you say to her. And then you decide what you want to do about her. it may be that you continue to argue and get upset or you can stop contact with her. I don't exactly know why, but my tactic many years ago was to stop listening to her and stop caring what she thought. Her opinions were all shit - have a look at what else your mother goes on about, I bet a lot of it is a load of crap. It's a shame not to have a supportive mother to turn to and I have always envied those with nice mothers, but there we are.

I'm also going to suggest that the people who are saying that YABU here may also be the people who managed to negotiate primary and secondary school and possibly longer without ever having been bullied and wouldn't have experienced what it is like to be bullied.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable! I was bullied at school too. This also led onto depression and eating disorders for me too.
I understand that the bully isn't the same person as she was 30 years ago. None of us are.
However, these experiences often sadly stick with us, though. I'm so sorry you're going through all this, I really am.
xx

And "they only hurt their own kind"... This narrative of the Krays drives me mad

@BeckyWithTheGoodBear Your mum is an effing idiot, and nasty to boot. She is defending the bully and expecting YOU to change your opinion!! . I couldnt get past that.

Oh darling, you most certainly aren't unreasonable. But I can assure you, your bully probably has never been nothing but kind and respectful to your mum, so your mum now finds it difficult to fathom how she could have possibly bullied you liked ypu say and you can't fathom her ever being kind and respectful. Neither of your are assholes. You've just both experienced a very different person. Oh and you have every right to tell your mum that's not a conversation you'd like to have

That sounds horrible OP I know how crippling being reminded on childhood bully's can be.

Have you spoken to your bully since childhood or are they aware of the impact they had on your life? I ask because in my mid twenties I wrote an email to my childhood bully explaining their impact but wishing them well. I didn't expect a reply and only did it for a release but they did get back to me and apologised. I was then able to find some closure.

You're entitled to your feelings, but kids are stupid (meant in the nicest possible way!) And don't always understand the impact that their words and actions have on someone. I have a friend who was badly bullied in school - she had a noose round her neck, held down and had hair removal cream smeared on her arms, rugby tackled in the corridor...it got so bad that she turned to drink and eventually tried taking her own life. She got better, had therapy and came to terms with everything. Years later, she came face to face with one of her bullies. He saw her, and went over to her to apologise for everything he had put her through. He wasn't the same person.

I do think you should seek therapy so that you can move on with your life, but this person probably is a lovely person now; they're not 13 anymore

I would have to agree with this post.

I'd sit my mother down and tell her to listen, really listen to what you're saying.

Tell her what the bully did to you, how your self esteem was affected and how the bullying lead to your eating disorder. Lay it out really clearly for her to be able to see that the joined dots lead from you (the bullied) straight to this other person (the bully).

I'd then tell her that if she cannot and will not stand up for her daughter, then her daughter cannot and will not be in contact with her until she does. I'd put it in such stark terms that she has no wiggle room. Your mother picks - her daughter or the person who bullied her daughter.

Then I would have no guilt whatsoever in walking away if she went for the bully. Let the bully step up and look after not only her own mother but yours too!

Gently. Bullshit.

Me too!!!

No you are not unreasonable. I was not bullied in school but by my Mother In Law. Nice as pie when others where present but when we were alone, oh boy. She would 'phone my Mum and tell her how much she loved me "as if she were my own daughter". Of course Mammy thought MIL was lovely. It was only when my brother saw her in action (with a.n. other) that he realised how vile she was. It took him having a chat with Mammy for her to see the truth. (Sorry for the long story). I do think therapy is an excellent idea, I would also recruit your partner or sibling, a close friend (?) to back you up with M. The bully may have grown into a better human being, that does NOT negate your trauma. Take care my dear. xx

Maybe not everyone but I’d bet a hefty amount on unpleasant psychopaths who bully a friend into an eating disorder at 13 still being unpleasant people as adults.

Respectfully, who gives a flying f*?