Mum calling my childhood bully "nice" and "respectful"

This 👆 Also it is possible that someone who was a bitch and a bully has become a nice person as a 40-year-old adult.

This is not to detract from your trauma and you can’t be expected to like, or want any contact with her. In your shoes, I would explain to you mother how you feel and that it’s best she doesn’t raise this subject in your presence.

OP sorry this happened to you and these feelings were brought up by what your DM said and hopefully you will be able to heal some of the old wounds that you didn’t know were still there.

I wouldn’t expect an apology, but depending on the relationship generally with DM now, if you feel able to, could you tell her examples what this person did and how it affected you? That you are still battling some issues from the bullying now and ask DM not to mention her (in a positive light) again as you find it triggering/upsetting?

Does your mother have form for ‘poking’ at you like this to upset you??? Either she’s being deliberately unkind or lacks emotional intelligence.

Hey fellow friend, my mum was exactly the same, however mine started when I was 3 years old (I’m now 43). This week I have cut contact with my mother, however that’s about another issue…

My mum has and still is best mates with my bullies mum, weekly coffees, text messages etc. I don’t want to know about what my bully gets up but my mum proceeds to tell me and the moment I tell her I don’t want to know my god it gets twisted to the fact that I’m jealous of her and I want to be like her (wtf) and we both get into a row!

My son is also having a few problems at school and as soon as I was pregnant I vowed to him that I would NEVER do this and I haven’t. I want my son to know I’ve got his back if things happen and thank god he does know.

It is the most toxic thing ever. I have several issues from this such as hair pulling and nail biting which I’ve been told by my councillor that it’s a coping mechanism.

I recommend going to therapy to it will help you

1. Everyone goes through the 'throes' of puberty but most people manage not to turn into vicious bullies as a result.
2. OP isn't dictating who her mum should be friends with. She is upset that, completely unprompted, her mum started talking about how nice and respectful OP's childhood bully was, in front of OP, her DH and OP's chldren. That was insensitive and completely uncalled for.

Your posts to OP are unkind. It's rather ironic that you completely dismiss the impact of childhood bullying, referring to the victims as snowflakes, but you complain about being called a 'mean girl'. Isn't that rather thin-skinned, 'snowflake' behaviour?

You do know that some bullied children/teenagers have taken their own lives? Are these also the snowflakes that you don't 'pamper' to? Bullying can ruin lives and is often much more than a couple of childish insults in the playground and I'm assuming that the bullying that was directed at OP was much worse than that.

Your lack of empathy and understanding is horrible and you are so smug about it.

By the way, it's 'pander' to. I suppose you would have been absolutely fine if you'd been bullied for your poor reading and writing skills at school.

Yabu on 2 counts

1 to judge someone on the basis of what they were like as a kid in the throes of puberty
2 To seek to dictate who your mum should be friends with.

Your distress, the natural consequence of this lived experience - invisible, dismissed, not worthy of recognition, action or acknowledgment.

Yeah that's crap.

I'd have cried too.

Same!
Her experience of her was obviously different because she presented a different face to your mum.
But in your mum's shoes, as soon as I discovered that while she had been nothing but a week bright up young woman towards me she also was a total cow to my daughter.... My view of her character would encompass that additional information and I would not only see that one dimensional view ever again!!

I would now know her as a cruel bully, because that was the experience of my loved one.
In fact I would think she was spectacularly two faced being nice to my face while making my own DD feel like shit.

I think your mum is taking a cowardly way by choosing not to digest this information. It is more comfortable for her to continue liking this person, it keeps her friendship with the other mum uncomplicated and saves her re-evaluating her relationship with the other DD - your bully.

Which stinks, because she should be on your team.

This

Now your clutching. Goodnight

I beg to differ. I think calling the victim of bullying so severe it triggered an eating disorder a “snowflake” is mean girl behaviour.

Maybe, maybe not, but your mean girl came or there , calling me didn't it,where it was not at all called for.

You get to think your way, I get to think mine.
I haven't been mean not once, not will I.

Nobody is asking you to “pamper to snowflakes” Op has shared her own trauma it was her lived experience so why wouldn't we believe that.

Not all bullying is teasing and not all teasing is bullying, but I'm afraid the impact of the trauma is for the person on the receiving end to decipher. Not the bystander.

Some bullying is pretty vicious and can lead victims to suicide. I bet the teachers and schools where suicide victims attended, initially passed it off as a bit of teasing too.

Even seemingly “normal adult women” can be superficially nice to their mothers elderly friend it means nothing does it.

That made me laugh this evening, so thanks for that! I am neither, I was very mild mannered at school many moons ago, and continue to be so. I just also don't pamper to snowflakes sobbing into their pillows about being called specky 4 eyes, or skinny beanpole 20+ years ago.
It's utterly bizare to blame someone else for your actions as OP has done. Putting the blame on a child for her life long issues, then sulking because the actual people irl who know her don't agree and can see that this "bully" is in fact. A perfectly normal adult woman.

How is this helpful?! Ffs.

@Twinkletoes127 is probably one of the adult mean girls herself. Or a former school bully who thinks the terrorised victims should show clairvoyance and empathy for their abuser, whilst trying to manage the trauma inflicted upon them 🙄

I guess it's doomed then, this is my opinion, you don't have to agree with it!

Why do people still not realise manipulative people treat different people differently. Bullies know exactly who they can bully and who to schmooze. So many adult mean girls out there who will have been just like op’s bully when in school.

I'm not sure I would equate bullying to 'naughty behaviour'. I don't use the word naughty, but would associate it with stealing a chocolate bar from the treat jar, or a young child scribbling on a wall. Bullying is deliberate, targeted and repeated. There's a power imbalance and it is incredibly harmful. Certainly worse than relatively benign 'naughtiness'.

I would imagine that most people would remember bullying someone badly enough to lead to an eating disorder and lifelong self esteem issues for the victim.

Meh, 20+ years is a lifetime ago. I wouldn't be holding an adult in their 40's responsible for the naughty behavior of a teenager.

If you think you need therapy to get there, that's probably a good idea.

I understand you're feelings, OP. Your mum has disregarded your experience with this bully and how it has affected you. She has let you down by being complimentary of your bully and shown a lack of sensitivity.

Speak to her about it again, when you're ready.

I agree with this.
Sorry about what you went through OP