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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think having friends is not worth the hassle

61 replies

somethingfifty · 05/01/2025 14:32

I am now in my mid fifties and increasingly question whether it's worth bothering with friendships. I don't know if it's because 50 something women generally won't put up with any kind of crap any more and/or are naturally more grumpy, irritable and less tolerant. What has happened is that either I find my friend incredibly irritating, or they find me incredibly irritating and I feel irritated that they feel irritated. I am very happy having fun, polite, superficial conversations with people I go to hobbies with but I find if anything deeper is expected then you just get into the quagmire of people's awful personalities (mine included).

I just went to coffee with one of the few friends/frenemies I still have who I have known for about 45 years. She got very annoyed with me when I asked her about her job, how it was going looking after her family etc. I was trying to be sympathetic and interested as she said she was having a difficult time but it just seemed to drive her mad and she got very irritable with me. I had to use all the patience I could muster not to tell her to go fuck herself. I have another old school friend I used to meet up with who I used to kind of hero worship but who I now realise is unbelievably controlling and bossy and I just can't stand being around her. If I get to know new people it usually turns out on getting to know them they have done something revolting like having an affair with a married man/believe some insane theory from the internet or whatever and I just generally find people so flawed that it is very hard to like them. When I reflect on my own personality, I too seem to be a very difficult human being and I can see why people would get frustrated with me.

It just seems that with the cynicism of age there is nobody who is likeable enough out there to actually bother having a proper friendship with and that any possible/previous friends probably think the same about me. Happy Days 😁

OP posts:
Hunglikeapolevaulter · 05/01/2025 14:55

It sounds like you and your friends are at the grumpy menopausal life stage. I get what you mean though totally, it's sometimes lovely to just know people superficially and not know their deep dark secrets.

curtaintwitcher78 · 05/01/2025 14:55

And wait until they start dying on you, as one has just done to me, then you'll really be annoyed.
Sorry to be flippant. I am actually heartbroken. BUT I do get you. I dropped an old friend last year for being a total dick to me. Everyone annoys me on some level or another and I have my limits.

TheRoundaboutHadLovelyFlowers · 05/01/2025 14:54

I'm abut 50 and I'm finding that people who are about 80 are often very easy to get on with. Maybe it's a phase, albeit quite a long one.

arcticpandas · 05/01/2025 14:51

I don't have a lot of friends because I'm too tired all the time and can't meet up often. The few friends I have are really sweet though. My time is precious and I can accept different personality types and supporting friends going through hardships but not nastiness. I already have got a teenager at home and have no patience with full grown women behaving like them.

Blueberriesaretasty · 05/01/2025 14:50

It's taken me quite a long time to get to grips with friendships and it's only now that I feel I'm getting there. Think it's a combination of putting boundaries in pace and accepting people for who they are.

People may be picking up on the energy that you are 'irritated' perhaps?

I do think social media and constant Comms can keep friendships alive that may have naturally waned not so long ago.

Eldermillenialyogi · 05/01/2025 14:49

If they're like this all the time then you need new friends. You need to weigh up whether the benefit of having these friends outweighs the irritation. With the first friend I'd be tempted to say something next time she's like this even if it's "is everything okay?" or be more direct if you feel otherwise just let them go. Do you have any local groups you could go to so you can make more friends?

Itiswhysofew · 05/01/2025 14:44

It all sounds dire🤣. I don't have the answer, cos I have no friends where I live. I do know, however, that I couldn't be bothered with anything deep & meaningful friendship wise. My good friend lives in a different country, so we barely see each other. We email and send cards, and love seeing her, when we do.

I wouldn't mind having a friend to go for a coffee with occasionally, but keep conversations lighthearted. I couldn't be bothered getting into the nitty-gritty of things.

PermanentTemporary · 05/01/2025 14:39

I love the friends I have but that does include accepting lots of differences. I wouldn't necessarily spend more than a week with them, but an hour or two should be OK!

I'm definitely grumpier than I was (am 55 now) but still have great laughs with friends. What activities cheer you up, would that help? Like if you were both walking or swimming would you enjoy yourself more?

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 05/01/2025 14:38

Sounds like you got some shit friends tbh. Having said that, gems worth keeping are few and far between.

Pillarsofsalt · 05/01/2025 14:36

I believe that having friends is worth the hassle of them not being perfect.

coralsky · 05/01/2025 14:35

I think you need some new friends.
Friends we grew up with (largely friends by circumstance) are often very different to friends we would choose as an adult.