to think having friends is not worth the hassle

I am the same age as you, and whilst I agree we put up with a lot less, I have found my friends have really added so much richness to my life. I wouldn’t be without them. We are baldly honest. Can’t be bothered with social niceties. I find it a refreshing change. No one pretends to be perfect or to have it all worked out, everything has been stripped back so what is left is pretty authentic.

You are fortunate not to have had serious health concerns - when that happens you are glad for those very same souls and for the life you have left.

We are planning adventures and all sorts of fun plans, and the excitement of this gives me a sense of renewal rather than boredom.

Snap out of it, give yourself a good talking to - you have become far too indulgent. Have some empathy for the people around you. Or don’t bother, get some cats and give up on going out with a bang unless you are doing so solo!

I'm in my 50s and I think for me it's been an element of my free time being very precious to me. Coupled with a feeling that I just can't take on other peoples problems anymore.

I've struggled with my MH over the years and a part of that was wanting to always "be there" for other people. It took lockdown to make me realise just how much it had drained me. I also suffered a significant trauma a couple of years prior to that and no one was really there for me. I think that was the start of me drifting away from people that I thought were friends.

I've finally reached a place in my life where I'm calm, happy and stable. But I need to be quite selfish to maintain that. When I did have friends they weren't really there for me when I needed them anyway, so I don't concern myself with how I would feel if something bad happened and no one was around.

If I change my mind in future I can join stuff and make friends that way. I'm what I think they call an extrovert introvert. In that I can be quite lively in company, but like my alone time! So I feel confident I could make friends if I wanted to.

I hear you re the grumpy thing. I’m post menopausal by 5 years and I do not suffer fools. The trouble is the less intolerant you allow yourself to be the worse it gets. I’ve realised I have to rein it in. People need people and if we met ourselves fester we will become very lovely and lonely people do not fair well. I had a big grumpy tantrum and let a friend go a few years ago. I realise now it was an awful thing to do. I am contemplating apologising. So what that she wasn’t perfect. I’m definitely not. I have to learn to put up with people’s foibles.
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I have made some new friendships but I’ve realised unless we can talk about more than just surface level stuff I’m not interested. I need some intelligent wisdom, spice and flair. I can put up with their grumpiness if they bring that to my life and hopefully vice versa. Like you I think I need new friendships and am trying.

You're not wrong op. I feel the same. I find others irritating and am sure I must be irritating too. I'm also in my 50s.

It's nice reading posts about accepting differences and quirks. I'm not good at boundaries or accepting my and other people's quirks. Wish I was more easy going and boundaried. The last good friend I had started getting more and more interested in hanging our with my dh and made some rude comments to me about me. She also tried hard to get my dh to help her with extensive DIY as she is too stingy to pay a builder and her own dh doesn't move a finger.

I get you OP. I’m also getting more set in my way and CBA with friendships in my 50s

I'm a similar age and recognise what you say about giving less fucks as you get older, which I see as a broadly positive thing.

However I still have good relationships with my friends, but the people I see regularly are people I met in my 30s/40s rather than people I have known since childhood.

I would make friends from hobbies, it is hard to have friends from years ago but it can be good because they know you well.

I'm 50, and all friendships are different. I only have one friendship, which I feel is a hassle (a woman I've been emotionally supporting for about 25 years). The rest are not a hassle at all. I enjoy seeing my friends. We have fun, we laugh, we support each other when we go through tough times.

I've never found spending time with friends to be a "hassle" and I'm 65.

I see your point. I often fantasise about finding the perfect friend so that keeps me bothering. In truth, I don't want much from friendship, I just want a laugh, basic loyalty and for them to be nice.

I suspect once you transition out of the grumpy phase of life (and it will pass!) you may feel a gradual resurgence of joy in your friendships.

I went through quite a long period of keeping up with friendships almost as a matter of politeness - mostly at a distance. There were never any fallings out or quarrels or even squabbles (quite enough of those in family life) and they felt very much like an optional extra. Lately my feelings on friendship have evolved.

Two things to consider: firstly pragmatism - you know what they say about how, in adversity, you find out who your friends are? That really is true.

Secondly, fun - another saying: the older you get, the more you need people around you who knew you when you were young. Don’t isolate yourself - there are an awful lot of years left.

I agree it can be an age thing. Not putting up with the shtt like we used to.
I have recently re-located back to UK after 20 years abroad. My good friends of 30+ years standing are still good friends. Others I have taken a step back from as I realised they were based on shaky ground. I have had to lower the bar in my new town re level of intellect and depth but I am slowly adjusting as I need human interaction from time to time. I hope to find a few along the way that are more than that, but I am being really picky as I don't have the interest in others family dramas...

I do sort of get it, my friends now are not the same as being a teenager and having a gang that you love and can talk into the night with about anything and it's all super interesting and fun.

However I do think that ultimately it is worth it. I always feel better meeting up with friends than spending too long alone. Plus things like special occasions, parties, people to go to things with etc.

I cherish my friends - ones I have known for many years, and new ones I meet along the way. I have had great support from them - and hope I have given support in return. Obviously we don't always agree, but when we need each other, we are there.

I am annoyed by most of my friends in one way or another. But the beautiful thing is that this is temporary and context-specific. When the shit hits the fan, we are there for each other. That's what matters not the extramarital affairs or conspiracy theories they subscribe to.

I agree with you OP, I'm similarly in the "can't be arsed" boat. In my case it's because I literally just bought a house after eons of renting and I've discovered I have 1526 different hobbies that I just can't wait to get stuck in with after work every day, so I can't be arsed socialising as it's taking me away from my hobbies 😂🤣 But even before that, I just could not be arsed too much. Superficial coffees are fine like you say, but deeper shit put me off. Sounds like I'm younger than you but in the same boat. Maybe you just happen to like your own company and that's fine ☺️

I have gone off hypochondriacs and flakes. Doesn't leave many others!

I dont mind deep discussions. But I have lost patience with having the same discussion over and over. I find a lot of friends like to moan but dont want to do anything about their situation. Like moaning about weight gain but continuing to eat chocolate everyday and do no exercise at all.

All that said, they are still worth it to me.
Your friend sounds very odd.

Hi op glad of a few good friends here but know what you mean. Some people are hard work. I think at our age we dont take crap. I def find I dont have energy some weeks for catchups.

My friends are amazing, couldn’t get through life without them. Currently helping a very close friend through a terminal cancer diagnosis and thank god she’s got good friends to sustain her through tough times. Being a good friend and having good friends is one of the most important things to me. This particular friend sounds very difficult though, but no, not all 50 something women are like this at all.

I totally get it, I am quite introverted and could easily not bother with friendships but know that ultimately I would end up isolated and lonely.

Unlike a lot of people I like office small talk. It gives me the human interaction I need without all the heaviness. I really struggle to show interest in people’s dramas and prefer surface conversations. I also love focused interactions like book groups.

To try and be normal I meet up with a few mum friends regularly for a coffee. I like the women but always come back stressed. There is too much moaning about useless husbands and too many invasive questions, it’s exhausting!

I have a few good friends from childhood who I see infrequently but always love to see. I think it’s because we know each other so well there is nothing to prove.

I have had a few friends die recently which was a big wake up call. It’s made me determined to appreciate people for who they are and not get irritated.

I've gone off people. Like you, I find having a deep connection with someone impossible. I've put it down to menopause but who knows?

Having friends does make you life longer with better mental health, according to epidemiology researchers. It doesn't have to be best friends but some kid of community of people you see regularly is a good thing to maintain. Maybe volunteering or a local group?

I'm younger than you so maybe things will change but I adore my friends, I couldn't be without them. They are a really important part of my life along with my family, my partner and my children.

It's my job I can't be arsed with tbh.

I wonder if something is going on with you and the irritability is a symptom? Health wise, or psychological? Everyone is irritating sometimes but to suddenly find everyone you've liked for decades irritating is a bit unusual. Or maybe (contradicting that) you just need to make some new friends who fit better where you are now in life.

tbh I agree a bit. I used to be a shocking doormat and now that I can have gathered up a tiny bit of self-respect, I do realise that it's easier to stand quite far apart with people, a bit like horses in a field.

I do like working together on projects with people though, when we have a clear goal. But even there, the scope for conflict is massive.