Pressure of looking after DM aibu

The elderly parent board will offer you lots of support and advice.
Would she be eligible for attendance allowance- non means tested. Get advice from age uk/ cab completing it. Non means tested.

Sounds like she's capable of doing most things for herself but just wants the attention of everyone running around after her.
She needs to either do things herself or buy in help. Can she afford a cleaner? Although tbh, how much mess does one older lady living on her own make?

My MIL is in her late 90's, lives on her own, sorts out most of her own problems and mostly only needs help by way of lifts to medical appointments. She has a cleaner and she does her shopping on the Internet. Household maintenance is done by a local handyman. She is always reluctant to ask for unpaid help and does not expect her family to run around after her.
You need to set boundaries and let your DM know what you are prepared to do (which with work and DC commitments should be the bare minimum and emergencies only).

I am about your Mum's age, and have heart disease and musculo-skeletal problems.

This is what I do: run a choir, sing with a choral society, run an annual village arts festival, pick up GS from school once a week, help run a village hall, belong to poetry and music groups, paint and draw. When my limitations mean driving is painful, I take a taxi. I walk with a stick and have a marked limp, but that does not stop me.

There are things that are hard for me - e.g. finding holidays that I can manage - but I simply concentrate on the things I can do.

I do not list these things to blow my own trumpet, but to illustrate how limited your mother is choosing to make her life - it is not healthy. And I have a gang of friends with whom I help organise village events of all kinds (coffee morning, summer fun day etc.) - they are all of a similar age and live as I do. And I fully understand the scenario of a spouse in a nursing home - I have been there, although he since died.

You must be very frustrated indeed with your mum giving up on life in this way.

Your mum is way too young to be pulling this shit.

This. She is 72 not 92.She has all day to pace herself and get things done. As you say she can order her shopping and have good quality ready meals if cooking is hard. If loneliness is a problem then she needs encouragement to join a social group. Age Uk may be able to give details of events in her area. The Age Uk in our area will also help hoarders with de cluttering if the client is willing to accept help, many aren't.

Your plate is full OP. In fact it’s pretty much overflowing so you cannot take on personal shopper and taxi roles in addition.
If she won’t drive her car to to supermarket why does she have a car? I’d suggest she sells it and put the money into her taxi fund.
Again if she can’t/won’t tidy her own house it sounds like time to downsize. She will probably be resistant to that as she’s a hoarder but you need to keep reinforcing the reality that you don’t have time to come and tidy it for her. Suggest she funds a cleaner if she can’t cope and insists on staying.
There are no easy answers as she sounds entitled but YANBU and obviously your children and husbands needs come first. She must be a pretty selfish individual not to get that and if she’s always been like this it must’ve been hard going over the years. Set a schedule, for instance you pop in twice a week for a quick cuppa and you ring her to check in another few times. Don’t be suckered into doing more.
With people like your Mum you have to be firm and just keep reiterating your boundaries. Good luck 🤞

TBH it is really bad for her at that age to be not doing these things for herself - there is no good reason why she should not - if she were 90 then it might be different. It sounds as though it is less about being incapable and more about being in need of company and seeing dependence as a way of achieving this. You can encourage her towards social outlets but I doubt she will listen.

There are lots of GPs who are helping with child care and school pick-ups at her age.

I think you must tell her what you can manage (or are prepared to do) and stick with that. Can you Whatsapp her and chat with her daily via that? - sending photos and keeping her in touch with what is going on could be helpful.

My DM (84) has health that's gone downhill over the past 4yrs. She now has a care package in place twice a day, and a cleaner once a week, she does an online shop once a week and I go round to put that away. Both myself and DD drop in, and she rings when she needs anything extra on top.

It's finding the right balance as I work FT and DD has small DC. My mum would love us to "do more", but we have to set realistic boundaries and she has to go along with these compromises. It's basically if we do more, she asks for more 😅

Obviously I wouldn't leave her if it's something actually needed! But I draw the line at me doing a 10/12hr day, and then traipsing about because she's decided she immediately needs a stamp or a packet of mints.

She sounds lonely and depressed but you don’t have any capacity to give her more than you currently do.

Can your DB visit more?
Would she accept a cleaner or carer? Age U.K. may be able to advise.
Would she benefit from a care needs assessment by SS? This can open doors to home helps etc and maybe other social groups she might attend.
Is the house too much for her? Maybe it’s time to consider sheltered housing?

She needs compassion but within boundaries. If you and your DB explain these options and look at her needs you may come to some agreement that works for now. When she insists that ‘only you will do’ just close it down and say that’s just not possible.

Sorry about your DF too. It’s a tough time of life.

You are doing plenty, her social life isn't your job.

If she needs more assistance then she needs assessing and carers if she has the funds she can start paying for herself for the now.

How much did she do for her parents when you were young and did she work?

*already doing loads

1. Decide for yourself where your boundaries will be. Don’t let your mum set them for you. You are skews doing losers whether she acknowledges this it not.
2. Everything your mum can do for herself, let her. Everything that she can pay for / access services elsewhere, help her set it up (cleaner, taxi, online shopping, medications can be delivered if her gp prescribes this).
3. come over to the Elderly Parents board on here for more advice.