Pressure of looking after DM aibu

This.

Use her money to buy in services for her. A cleaner, someone to do her shopping, appts etc. Is she inheriting sister's property when sold? If so could she move to accommodation suitable for her with assistance bought in?

Your clearly doing too much and have enough on your own plate

My DM is 72. She's off to SE Asia for a trip with her DP at Easter. She paints, she organises exhibitions for her painting club, she cooks and cleans the house. She does weekly and daily in person shops and generally walks or cycles there and back. She does yoga weekly at her local community centre. She lives in another country so we probably see her once every couple of months.
Again not to boast but just to illustrate that 72 is not old. Your DM could have another 20 years of life quite easily and it's really a mistake for her to start thinking she's old and incapable at this relatively young age.
So you need to force her to continue to be independent! Can you encourage her to get involved in things locally? Volunteering for example? Clubs? I think the sad situation with your DF may mean she's feeling helpless and needs some purpose

Can you try and call in once more a week? Twice a week might make all the difference to her. You should have an honest conversation though that she needs to do more for herself. Maybe tell her its shopping delivered only, if no-one takes her then that’s her only option. Some elderly people do seem to object to online shopping but she needs to realise you and her son have busy lives. My mum is 71 and can do everything for herself, but friends mum 3yrs older has been unable to do much for years, largely due to weight, smoking and unmanaged diabetes. It’s really hard for my friend, and now she has moved in as she has terminal cancer. Not easy looking after parents and some can be quite demanding about it.

Yes, you must put your family first and I'm surprised she doesn't see that. I'm the same age, 72, but have stayed more active (as in I walk to the shops, ride buses, drive, do a charity shop shift - not go running or keep fit!). Her spirits need lifting as she doesn't sound happy with her life generally and is probably bored and a bit depressed. Does she come over and spend time with her grandchildren - do you invite her? Can she just sit at yours and be part of the bigger family?

It wants a two-pronged attack. Your DM needs to take some responsibility for her day-to-day stuff (either get motivated or psy someone to help) and build on her friendships, and you and your brother could involve her in your lives where possible - I don't read much compassion in your posts but perhaps you've got past that. Good luck.

I will also add I find the situation incredibly stresssful! There is a lot of guilt put on me that I don’t do enough but I do as much as I can and I think our relationship has suffered because it’s become more about me caring for her and less about me being her daughter.

I have been very clear that when her needs increase I won’t be able to provide any intimate care for her which she knows!

I am in a similar position though my mum is on her own and lives independently. We managed to get her attendance allowance and as she was given her higher level she also gets disability element of pension credit. With some of this she now has a home help for cleaning and to start declutterring as she is a hoarder. I take her shopping each week and I take her for all her medical appointments and manage all her things with her. She has lots of health issues including incontinence and arthritis and very limited mobility. Her mental health is extremely poor and she currently refuses to go out unless I take her

it’s hard work. I have very full time job and my brothers do nothing (one hasn’t seen her since 2019).

is there an option for her to have a home help?

To be fair, so do you, OP.

I'm a couple of years younger than your mum, and I wouldn't dream of treating my DC like this. I'm disabled, too, but I do my shopping online and go out to lots of social clubs in our village.

DH and I do our own housework and cooking, too. I'm surprised how your mum seems to have kind of given up, so young.

I'm a little older than you op, my dad is also 78 and had a stroke last year. He's now in a nursing home and slowly fading.

Mum is 78 and, apart from helping with the financial and legal aspects of dad's care, my mum does everything. She has a huge garden, grows her own veg, fits her own 2 lawns, walks both her dogs and does childcare and hoc for my siblings.

She has had some health issues but is still completely independent, fit and healthy. Tbh, she puts my lazy arse to shame. Your mum needs to realise she's not one step away from the grave and start getting on with her life.

Yes she’s unreasonable - I’d see if she can claim attendance allowance and then tell her to use that to pay for care / taxis or deliveries. 72 is not old and she needs to keep active despite her medical conditions.

You have a lot to do with your own family and are helping with your df’s care. As for the aunt’s house I’d put that on the back burner for now and consider using house clearance at some point.

Did she say that to you? That she feels like the bottom of your priorities? tell her that you have 3 children and a mortgage to pay and that, of course, THEY are your priority. She is next on the list and IMO should be happy with that. It sounds like you are doing your best.

How far away does she live OP? It sounds like she is probably rather depressed. Do you generally have a good relationship outside of this?

I appreciate everyone is saying you need boundaries and you 100% do but I wonder if you could offer to have her stay with you for a few days for a bit of company? Definitely not under the guise that you are going to be her housemaid during this time but rather to join in with family life and not feel so lonely. Does she have a good relationship with your kids? Could they do something nice and easy like watch a film together at your house? I understand there are bigger and longer term issues at play but loneliness can strike at any age, not just in the very elderly, and your mum must be really missing her sister.

Good grief I'm only 5 years younger than her!

Stand firm. You're doing MORE than enough. She can do loads more herself and if she gets her lazy arse moving she'll probably lose weight and be able to do more - upwards spiral.

I had two of my kids at 36 and 40. There’s no way I expect to be leaning on them in this way when there in their early 30’s. Ffs, I my retirement age is 68 and 4 years later I can’t even do my own shopping?? your children need to come first and she needs to be Tod that. Her resentment is her problem

If she doesn’t like the short dates on a weekly delivery then could she get 2 deliveries a week? Maybe get top ups from a village/corner shop so she has the energy to both get it and put it away.

You need to put your foot down with tough love OP. Speak to your dbro and come up with a slot you can do each week. Tell your mum together that is all that can be offered moving forwards. She will have to revert to online shopping, and if funds allow get a cleaner.

The aunties house thing has dragged on too long. Someone will take her once more for say 3hrs. What doesn't leave the flat that day is going to the charity shop/tip. Get it on the market and be done with it!

You're all letting her hang this millstone around your neck and it'll only get worse. No doubt she'll huff and puff, but she will get over it.

And for god's sake don't bother showing your mum your aunty's stuff. It's ridiculous. Tell her to do one.

You're doing too much IMO.

Tell her to pay for carers. Your life is hard enough without all this!

She sounds flippin' awful. Tell her to pull her finger out and get on with it herself, she's only 72 not 92. She's obviously guilt trained you from childhood up to do her stupid bidding. She can internet shop surely? What an old bat (sorry if you like her)

Going slightly against what’s been said here… If your mum had been like this all her life and she’s had expectations of her children helping her in this way, then it doesn’t really matter how many other 72 year old are leading active and independent lives. She’s unlikely to change how she feels at this age so don’t expect her to.

but just because she feels this way, it doesn’t mean you have to go along with it. She doesn’t get to decide how you live your life just because she has certain ideas about how things ‘should’ be.

my FIL is 82, and he’s always relied on other people (usually women) to do everything for him domestically. He’s not going to change that belief now that he’s old and infirm. But it doesn’t mean that my SIL needs to drop everything and rush over to make him a cup of tea or heat up his lunch every time he calls. He’s going to have carers in 3 times a week, plus a cleaner, and he’s just going to have to get used to that. My SIL is not his housekeeper.

Your mother wants a maid at her beck and call. She lost her sister and just about to lose her life partner.

Her health problems aside she needs to be firmly told that she has to tackle the things herself.

Nobody’s able to clean the house of the hoarder without removing the stuff. This one is on her,so are her dishes.

Neither you,your DH or your DB (with your DS thrown in as well)are able to fullfill her demands to extent she expects you to. It might have been ok for her sister but she was retired unlike any of the remaining family.

She might be feeling lonely but learned helplessness and being deliberately difficult is not going to help anybody in long term.

She’s getting regular visits from the family and some things done for her out of your goodwill but you’ll be a mug to take on anymore.

Managing SEN child is not a bed of roses.

Time for a serious talk to her and how her life could be managed with external help. Tough like if she doesn’t like it.

My Mil is 80 and although my husband helps her out with taxes and some admin her late husband used to do she strolls out to the shops herself and get things delivered. We told her to get a cleaning lady once a week because she got pack pain but she doesn't want to. She regularly has ds2 over for the week-end, they go out to the movies etc.
Your mum is 72! She's taking the mickey, you need to put in boundaries, stick to them and certainly not feel guilty.