Pressure of looking after DM aibu

OP you say your Mum is obese and has diabetes and a bad heart. Does she not understand the connection between these things? Does she not try and do anything about her diet?

Hi Op I could be written your post except my DM is older.
She always had us and df at her beck and call.
5 adult dcs 13 grand dcs.
Tbh dbro get shopping dsis gets pills,we do the bins and anything else.
She was getting ready meals for ages and recently our nephew temporarily moved in and she is cooking from scratch,buying new clothes online.
I think she was depressed so the calls for bits were for company really.
Also don't get too tangled up doing it all as we found it's never enough!!

Depends where she lives, she can also order items from

Milk and More

And

Just Eats

Recoend getting this in place

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

Can she get shopping delivered online

Apply for this for your DM

It is not means tested

She can buy in some more help

www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

You are not being unreasonable at all.

My suggestion is to see what private care agencies are in your area. There is a very good one near us, and visits are for an hour or more and can include taking someone shopping or a bit of housework, or preparing lunch etc., not just personal care. It's help in the home as opposed to nursing care.

If she would be willing to pay the fees, then she could have regular visits on set days to keep things ticking over. Then you and your brother can arrange set times to go over, that fit in with your other commitments, and when you go it's less stressful for you as you are going as a daughter and a son, not as default carers.

Your mother is the same age as me. I look after my grandchildren a couple of days a week and go hill walking. Yes I am fortunate. I have already had the conversation with my children about when I am older. I do not want them running around after me. I love them and I want them to enjoy their lives. I think you need to decide how much of your time you can give to your mother and be very blunt about it. Of course your children and husband come first. She is being very obstinate about not having online shopping. I haven’t shopped in a supermarket for nearly 20 years. It is such a total waste of time! If your mother shops with Ocado you will be able to see the use by dates on items when you order them. Depending on how much she spends, she could have a delivery say every 4 or 5 days.
You need to get on with cleaning out your aunt’s home. I had an aunt like this and got house clearance in after she went into a home. As previously suggested, let her have a couple of hours in the aunt’s home and that is it.

My mother has 20 or so years on your mother @OneWittySquid and she has lived alone since my father passed away nearly 30 years ago. She looks after as much as she can of what she needs done - will even go to the local supermarket on her good days (she finds she tires a lot easier than she used to) but she has carers now that call a few times a day to make sure that she is well, she takes her medication and she has food/drink. My mother has many ailments and requires regular medication to keep it in check. I'm only saying the above to show you that even though people can find themselves widowed (or not in your case), they have to keep living and doing what they can in life.

If I found myself in your position, I'd be telling my mother that she needs to stop with the poor mouth and get on with living instead of getting on with dying (sorry to be so blunt but that is the impression I'm getting).

Can you set the ball rolling now (while your parents don't really need it extensively yet) to have an Elderly Adult Assessment from Social Services so that when the time comes, they are on their radar and meals can be delivered to them and lifts to/from hospital/doctor's appointments can be arranged etc.

I really wouldn't be running myself ragged doing stuff that I knew my parent(s) could manage. That's very unfair of the parent(s) to put such a load on their children.

I’d just go to your aunts house and just clear it yourself. She’s had long enough and won’t know everything that’s there. Unless you want the house to still be there in another year or 2…Keep any obviously sentimental things, photos etc surely council tax will need to be paid on it soon? I’d just get on with it and get it sold.

She is young enough to do online shopping and if she wants to pick extra stuff then get a taxi etc

I think once she realises you and your brother aren’t running around after her she will have to get on and sort things herself. At the moment it sounds like she is relying on you feeling guilty and doing things she could do.

Age doesn't really matter - you can be 30 and have a list of health issues or 80 and nothing at all! Life is a lottery that way.
But I agree she needs to focus on what she can do, and take responsibility for other things so she can focus on making things easier for herself without relying so much on others.. it's a slippery slope.

My mum is 70 and has lately started asking me and my sister for lifts, help with computer things and cleaning.

She is able to do all of these things herself so we are both encouraging her to keep her independence otherwise we worry she will go down a slipperly slope to premature old age. However we will take her to hospital appointments and my sister will help with the food shop.

I think in your case you just can’t be a carer to your mum and she needs to know that from the outset, you must already be exhausted with your kids and job.

An interesting mix of opinions here. You can’t do more than you are doing. I’m the same age as your mother, luckily in pretty good health at present. I,like many others, find technology difficult but manage online shopping and still drive long distances. However I plan to move into a retirement flat with management if I am left alone so that I’m not ringing the child who lives near me to change lightbulbs etc. and hopefully it would provide something of a social life when my ability to get out so much is compromised.

As other have said, your mum needs to get a cleaner and use taxis. My own parent would not have one, even though I would have sourced a nice person to whip round the small property and sit down for a cuppa and a chat..they do exist. That would have been so helpful to me and reduced the guilt! I realise some people become quite selfish but you need to insist that she gets outside help so you can relax and spend time with her as a daughter not a carer.

‘I’m sorry, Mum, but I simply don’t have time for all this. You really will have to manage x and y, e.g. grocery deliveries/whatever else, yourself.’

The fact is, some old people can become unbelievably selfish and self centred - expecting others to run around after them regardless of their own commitments. Dh’s old aunt actually expected a friend to drive 20 minutes each way every night to come and fill her hot water bottles! (She’d refused the electric blanket we’d offered.). And was most put out when the friend said after a couple of nights that she couldn’t do it any more.

I wish I had something useful to add-apart from the fact you are doing brilliantly, and your DM is asking too much. When my DM was behaving similarly, although a bit older than your DM it took me ages to work out what she wanted from us was time.
At the time we were all working full time, DB and I both had DC and my DS lived a distance away. Mum was perfectly capable of getting on the bus to the supermarket and getting a taxi home (no money worries). She could have gone several times a week had she wanted but what she actually wanted was one of us to drive her to Tesco, go around with her, drive home, put the shopping away, sit with her etc. She was an hour away from me so that would be the whole day.

This is about you, not me but all I can suggest is stand your ground.

Hi OP, empathy from me, it’s so stressful! After DF died 5 years ago, I became DM’s support for everything - shopping, DIY, medical appointments, the works. She’d phone me late at night on a panic because the TV wasn’t working properly etc. It grinds you down. I came to realise that it didn’t matter how much I did, it would never be enough - there was always a list of jobs she wanted me to do, and as soon as I’d dealt with one she was straight onto obsessing about the next thing. It took a huge toll on my health and our relationship.

She now lives in a nursing home as she has incurable cancer and her mobility is very poor. After 3 years of relentless medical appointments/surgeries/treatments I lost my job, understandably. Poor DM went through hell but one thing she never, ever did was begrudge me time with DD. The comment your DM made about your three DC ‘not being babies’ really stands out to me as indicative of selfishness. Your DM wants and expects to be your top priority, which is absolute madness.

As many other posters have said, it’s about boundaries. I had to learn to say “No, Mom, I’m not doing that - I can’t/won’t/don’t want to do that”. Sometimes you just have to laugh at the craziness of the demands and reflect back to her how unrealistic her expectations are.

The elderly parents board is a great support, full of people with real experience of dealing with these things. The problem with posting this sort of thing on AIBU is you’ll get well-meaning people saying things like “just visit her more
often”, but with no experience of the grinding exhaustion of years of caring for elderly parents and balancing their needs/demands with the needs of DC, work etc.

Your hands are FULL. You’re doing all you can, so don’t be emotionally blackmailed into committing to doing more than you can cope with - you’ll end up resentful and burnt out. And it’ll likely never, ever be enough.

I totally understand what you’re going through. I’ve been there. You are doing EVERYTHING you can and more already and you are probably killing yourself with the effort. I feel for you. My DM was the same re the shopping (until, I think, my brother had a chat with her) and she moved mostly to online shopping - I would get the odd few fresh things instead of the full shop (I couldn’t even get my own at the same time as it would then spoil lying in the car the whole time I was at DMs). There are non-means tested allowances your mother should be able to get to pay for taxi’s to and from shops and appts if she’s physically able. I know it’s easy to say, but you need to remember your own family and prioritise them and above all, yourself, and ensure you have time for yourself. Take care x

My very best wishes and good luck to you.

Caring for my elderly mother with dementia gives me a tiny amount of understanding for the challenge.

@OneWittySquid I don't know what you mean by 'insulin diabetes', there's no such thing. Do you mean she has Type 2 but controls it by insulin rather than meds? if so, does she do injections herself or does a district nurse call in and do them for her?

I feel so sorry for you, it must be very difficult. I am your mother's age and still doing much more for my adult children than they do for me. They're busy with jobs and children so I wouldn't dream of adding to their workload. I'm also full time carer for my 94 year old mother.

I expect you've heard of the phrase 'learned helplessness' and it sounds like your mum is doing that. Of course she can order online and put away her own shopping. She can declutter her house to make it easier to clean. Can she afford a weekly cleaner? She can drive or get taxis. She could make an effort to eat healthily and lose some of the weight that's dragging her down. She has some health issues but she could be totally independent. She's choosing not to be and whether that's due to depression or something else, you can't sacrifice the quality of your life to pander to someone else.

I don't mean to sound unkind to your mum but she's being unfair to you and your brother. If you decide to set more boundaries with her, please try not to feel guilty.

Would she consider moving into retirement living accommodation OP? I know some people criticise it because of the high service charges, but my MIL lives in one and I can honestly say it's worth every penny in terms of her quality of life and the reduced stress for DH (and me). Like you we have three DC and busy jobs, and DH's sibling lives abroad. Her accommodation provides all the services she needs, and the social aspect is really important too.

I’m divided on this as there are things in this current list you can compromise on and do more efficiently: eg do the shopping and either get it delivered to you, or click and collect and take to her house - but also, I get the feeling her list will just keep growing as she extends the boundaries …

Is she depressed?

I'm going to try to give a slightly different point of view. I am about to be 74. I have myriad health issues, some historical, some like cancer and arthritis more recent , meaning mobility can be affected as well as motivation and ability to do things on certain days being affected by pain.I have suddenly become a carer for dh who has MND.(diagnosed a year ago. Very life limiting ), just when I feel the need for care myself. I never imagined myself like this at an age that I regard as being 'young elderly '.All those saying 'she's only 72' don't appreciate that 72 and fit and healthy is a world away from 72 and health issues. It has been a shock to me to say the least! The life of retirement I had envisaged is a distant dream which has been replaced by anxiety and worse. I don't live near my 2 dds but have helped a lot with granddaughter through her mum's previously undiagnosed ill health during covid, so have seen a lot of them and have a close relationship. I see much less of other daughter .The change in my situation, through my deteriorating health and the dramatic change in our lives caused by MND has really knocked my confidence. I considered my self pretty capable generally. I was teaching until I was 65. A really busy work life and moving midlife, means I have only a few friends, who all have busy lives themselves and family nearby. Although I can drive , I hate it and am limited to local driving. I am dreading being alone, when dh dies, having all the responsibility, making decisions on my own, just managing all the day to day stuff.Ive had him to lean on for 45 years. My formerly very handy, very capable husband has supported me, now the boot needs to be on the other foot. I need to put my big girl pants on .What I am determined about though , is that I won't put pressure on my kids to be responsible for me. I will do my best to at least give them the impression I can cope because it isnt fair to add myself to their responsibilities. I can imagine what a burden I would be and would hate that. I will be lonely, I am sure and somewhat isolated by inability to do what I enjoy( gardening, walking, travelling).I will also need to move from my v. unsuitable house and away from a great street where I am part of a community. I am fearful for the future. I can imagine how your mum is feeling and have some sympathy for her. She has been used to relying on others and has not been used to living alone , making all the decisions, managing her home etc and wants for company. I'm sure she is entitled to a care allowance if money is an issue. It might be time to try to persuade her into sheltered housing, where she will be part of a community and have access to support if necessary. It will take away all the worrying day to day decisions and give her social opportunities too. I'm guessing that that is what I will do. I just wanted to give an insight into how she is probably feeling. My life hasn't turned out the way I hoped and hers hasn't either. I think you need to talk to her sympathetically and find out what she needs and what can be put in place for her. I don't think you can stretch yourself any further and you need to make that clear if she can't see it for herself. What you don't want is for your relationship to become one of resentment. Your life doesn't sound easy. You sound like a great mum and daughter. I hope things sort themselves out for you, going forward.

It sounds like you are trying really hard to support her whilst you have a lot of other things on your plate.

would she consider mental health support for how she is feeling? She has lost her sister who was a big support to her and her husband is dying. She is in poor health and is hoarding.

she would really benefit from some therapy. This will also help with her sleep. When you have depression, it is very very hard to help yourself.

I know you said that she doesn’t like going out, but a local social group would do her the world of good. There are often weekly groups for arts/crafts, chatting, singing, dancing, local history and all sorts.

how is she on the phone? Would she accept a phone befriending service? Or could she volunteer as a befriender for someone else?

I think focussing on her mental health will really help to lift some of the burden from you.

it sounds like you’re doing a great job - I hope you’re managing to get some rest too.

Crikey OP, your children aren't babies but your mother CERTAINLY isn't a baby either! So why should she be a higher priority to you than your kids?!