...to stay off work longer?

@IsThisLeaveTooLong I’m glad it’s going okay for you, it’s really hard going back after bereavement. Just take it easy and look after yourself.

I’ve found that grief comes in waves and some weeks are just really difficult for no apparent reason.

So you lost your dad too? I'm sorry

I hope you're doing ok x

Go back to work. Just because it will give you some normality. It's better for your MH than staying off.

I had a lady off for over a year after her mum died, she was much improved coming back to work. She hated me at the time, but thanked me later.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Go back to work. The distraction might be therapeutic.

Either way, contact CRUISE, or ask your GP to refer/ suggest a local grief therapy group. Some are self referral. It can take around 2 years for grief to subside but you should be able to function at the same time and grief therapy will help with that.

Once back at work, if you're still not coping enough to carry on working then arrange more time off, but you should make an effort first.

Again, sorry for your loss.

This☝️

Absolutely perfectly written!

Well done for managing a full week. Your dad would be proud. He would not have wanted you to put your life on hold for him. Sad though it is when someone passes, it is the nature of life. It will get easier, and when the memories bring smiles and not tears, you will know yoy have achieved balance.

Non worked hours on a phased return are normally paid, if youvr been off since November as a senior manager I would have arranged a phased return for you.

@IsThisLeaveTooLong How are you doing? Did you go back?

If I were you, I would probably take another couple of weeks off sick and then look to go back on a phased return. I went back to work way too soon after my Dad died and ended up with virus after infection after virus and was just really laid low for months.

My Mum died four years later - I immediately took time off. I was hoping to go back after about two weeks, but just didn't feel ready, so said I wouldn't be back until after the funeral was over (this was is 2020 and the funeral wasn't until 3 and a half weeks after she died. Weirdly, I felt ready to go back once the funeral was over. You just have to do what works for you - If you're not ready, you're not ready and maybe need a bit more time and a phased return.

I lost my DSis (56) at at the beginning of November. I only work one day a week so decided to go back immediately. My DSis had no children, our parents died years ago and BIL is an only child so my other DSis and I had been commuting every week for a month in order to help BIL out. I was exhausted afterwards and took a good month out of doing anything socially but found work a welcome escape. Switching off all the emotions for a while helps you to cope when it overwhelms you. You realise that your life will be normal again if not quite the same.

I had to work after my DM died 28 yrs ago because I’m self employed and at the time an employer. The staff were very protective and a fantastic support. They would give me space if I needed it and dealt with some of the problems until I found my feet again.

There are going to be times when it’s difficult but you learn to tune out. Mother’s Day were always difficult but I would just remove myself from the conversation, quietly. When I became a mum myself it was easier.

Maybe this year, book off any days that may be significant. Then you can have a meltdown in private, birthdays are hard and the anniversary of her death.

Im still struggling with DSis death it was so quick from diagnosis to death but we all knew the facts and with the experience from parents death we were very open about what was happening which has helped tremendously.

Mist people are quite private about the loss of parents because it is so triggering but often open up and share their experience when someone they know is in the acute stage of bereavement. Empathy is the one thing they can offer and you will find that you may get support at work from people you don’t expect. Only people who haven’t lost parents will struggle to know what to say.

The staff at work sent condolences via what’s app so it got it out of the way. They let me get on with things and on the odd occasion I have a wobble are happy to just listen.

Our next stage is the big sort out, when BIL is ready. I admit that it will be a difficult few days going through all Dsis’s stuff. But it needs to be done. She lived in a beautiful part of the country and we holidayed with them regularly so I’m hoping that we can do it in stages and enjoy the visits. Maybe visiting some of her favourite spots.

Hope today went ok for you OP.

I think you’re doing the right thing, the longer you are off the harder it is to go back.

Before you go back talk to your manager and set out what you want people to do - do you want them to come and offer condolences or do you want your lovely mum to not be mentioned ?

After I was bereaved I told my line manager that I needed no mention of what had happened or I wouldn't be able to cope. I needed work to be the one place where it didn't go with me.

Hopefully if you normally enjoy your job and have colleagues you like, it'll give you something to focus on.

I have had times in my life where I'd have gone mad without work to focus on, so it could help if you are able to get into things. But don't ever feel guilty for putting your wellbeing before work 🌺

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. If you're struggling, it might be worth speaking to the GP?

That said, I lost my mum under different but very sudden circumstances last year. I took one day of leave because it was right before a week long half term (I'm a teacher) and my MIL advised me to go back early so I could be distracted by the routine. She said in her experience the longer I stayed off, the harder I'd find it to go back. I was worried about how I'd handle it but actually it was extremely helpful, it kept my brain busy in a way I didn't have at home.

It was still tough in different ways, like I found I couldn't make eye contact with any other staff, whether they knew or not, for at least a week, kept to myself. My very well meaning manager made it really hard on the first day because she came in to my room very gently and gave me a big hug, so I just started crying - about 20 minutes before my first class was due in.

I'd add I think a phased return like others have suggested could be a good idea as well, but I do think trying to ease yourself back in will help you in the long run.

I'm going through similar feelings at the moment. My mum died also at the end of November. It was totally unexpected. She was 82 but very fit and active with nothing wrong with her and we were extremely close with lots planned. Work have been understanding but before Christmas I said I would go back this week. We are due to have the funeral this Friday, so thinking about it I should have said the week after as I'm going to find it incredibly hard this week.

I’m glad you’ve made a decision OP, I hope it goes well.

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my dad last year before Christmas so was off for a December with compassionate leave and then annual leave over Christmas. I found it hard to go back but couldn't sit around at home any longer. If you do struggle when you return you can always go to your GP to get signed off.

I completely understand about putting on the brave face for the kids as that is exactly what I had to do last year.

So sorry for your loss, op I would maybe look at a staggered return if you can't face going back completely. I do agree with others that the routine will probably do you some good, but a staggered return will allow you to build up to that.

i took off a significant amount of time after my mum died. I couldn’t get in the right mindset for work at all. I returned with no issue and haven’t had any time off since. I have no regrets about taking the additional time. I’d always say take as long as you need unless it is going to have an adverse effect

Phased return where I work has the option to be taken as sick leave.

Don't assume that. Many employers split phased returns as part pay/part sick pay. Obviously that means you continue to wrack up sick time, but whether that is a problem or not is your choice - you may decide that is the least of two evils, especially if you have a good prior record.

Nothing awful about wanting a break from the kids either. Like I said, you must deserve a spa day or something by now. Make the time for yourself - it's ok to do that. It's not like you are planning to dump them on social services doorstep, or jump on the next rocket to Mars.