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Original poster

to ask friend not to send pregnancy photos

55 replies

puddleofpuppies · 05/01/2025 11:53

DH and I have been ttc for several years and we are now at a point where we have been told that unless we use donor gametes we will not be able to have children. I am completely devastated and have been struggling a lot to the point where I am on anti-depressants and find every day difficult. It is particularly difficult at the moment as I've just turned 40 and I have 2 SIL and three of my closest friends who are all pregnant. I desperately want to find joy in their happiness but I am finding it incredibly difficult – it feels like a punch in the gut every time I get a pregnancy photo or update.

Two pregnant friends who I haven't spoken to about what I'm going through (but I think they have guessed) are being sensitive – they both let me know by text and haven't been sending updates or mentioning it unless I ask how it is going. My other friend, who I am closest to and who I have spoken to about what I am going through in quite a lot of detail previously, is the opposite. She told me in person and is sending me all the scan pictures and baby bump photos. I know that she is excited and I want to share in that excitement so, so much, but I'm not coping and am finding myself pulling away from the friendship. This makes me sad as it feels like yet another thing that infertility has stolen – the ability to feel joy for my friends and be excited and happy for them. I bought her some really lovely baby gifts when she announced her pregnancy and I haven't said anything about how I am feeling about everything but it's just so difficult.

Would I be unreasonable to send a gently worded message just explaining how I'm feeling and asking her to hold off on sending photos? I haven't done anything about it yet as I don't want to make her feel bad for being excited about something she has every right to be over the moon about, and I don't want to take the joy out of the experience for her. I know she doesn't have a lot of close friends and I desperately don't want to upset her or make her feel uncomfortable about her pregnancy, but I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
puddleofpuppies · 05/01/2025 12:04

Greenqueen40 · 05/01/2025 11:54

She does not sound like a friend at all, selfish mare. Send the message and protect yourself. Wish you luck for the future x

I think she is just very excited – and as @Shrinkingrose says I have been acting excited too. But it's so hard and every time I get a photo I end up in tears. I do wish she was a little more thoughtful though – she also said something about it being "hard to conceive" as it took a few months after they decided to try. I just don't want this to ruin our friendship, but don't know how to get around it. It's all making me feel incredibly lonely and isolated. I feel like I'm pulling away from this friend because I can't deal with it all, and then my other friends who are being more sensitive aren't sharing this part of their lives with me.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 05/01/2025 12:03

Lottapianos · 05/01/2025 11:55

Not unreasonable at all, in fact I think it sounds like a really important thing to do for your own peace and sanity. She's being really insensitive and thoughtless. I'm so sorry, I feel for you and I can relate somewhat. Please don't put yourself under pressure to be cheerleading and finding the joy - that's way too much to expect of yourself at the moment. You're going through a lot, and it will take time to feel differently

In fairness to this friend, I do think that actually she is potentially just reciprocating the level of “sharing” that they have always had. It’s a bit thoughtless but considering OP has said herself that she has shared “quite a lot of detail” with this friend about what has been going on it doesn’t seem a huge jump for that friend to then think it’s also okay to share their information for support in the same way that OP has shared her own.

It’s one of those where it’s hard to balance being a good friend with looking out for yourself, because being a good friend means supporting each other, not just one offloading to the other and then not wanting to provide any support back, but you do need to look out for yourself.

I’d definitely send her a message though OP, or take a step back from the friendship even just for now

Shrinkingrose · 05/01/2025 11:56

Greenqueen40 · 05/01/2025 11:54

She does not sound like a friend at all, selfish mare. Send the message and protect yourself. Wish you luck for the future x

This is harsh.

op as you’ve not told her how yoire feeling. And she thinks are sharing the excitement, then I think it’s time to tell her.

Lottapianos · 05/01/2025 11:55

Not unreasonable at all, in fact I think it sounds like a really important thing to do for your own peace and sanity. She's being really insensitive and thoughtless. I'm so sorry, I feel for you and I can relate somewhat. Please don't put yourself under pressure to be cheerleading and finding the joy - that's way too much to expect of yourself at the moment. You're going through a lot, and it will take time to feel differently

Greenqueen40 · 05/01/2025 11:54

She does not sound like a friend at all, selfish mare. Send the message and protect yourself. Wish you luck for the future x