to ask friend not to send pregnancy photos

Yanbu. Prior to dd during our long struggle until dd decided to come it would have killed me. I don't think people understand until you been through it. Can you block the photos and tbh I'd be taking a step back from this friend. Look after yourself and your mental health. Xxx

You could just reply in your own words, how you wish you had such joyous news also but recently the doctors have told you that it looks like you are unable to concieve without a donor.

I didn't say she wasn't. It can be helpful to have people's opinions on how they would react to a message.

OP seems an articulate woman- She can easily tell her friends about how she feels.

Many yrs ago there was a mainstream TV programme about infertility, that featured a lovely female vet ( veterinarian).
A few days later I had to take dog we had at time for jabs and the lovely vet was Locum.
Obviously I didn’t say anything to her.
Her heartbreak in the programme was palpable.
As a driven person who had achieved all her goals, being a parent ( til that date ) had eluded her.

Hope she was successful in the end.

Send her a message explaining she needs to be more sensitive and reduce the pregnancy talk.

I was at this point myself with my best friend. I wouldn't be able to share her excitement or pregnancy updates after a long (years) battle with infertility and miscarriages so I walked away. I felt like my mental health would be in decline if I kept in touch, I would only be thinking about it.

I distanced myself from the friendship, thanks God I had my miracle baby a year after her baby was born and now we restarted the friendship. She totally understood my situation and forgave me, we restarted the friendship after my baby was born.

I knew I would risk to lose the friendship forever when I distanced, but I just couldn't keep it. I chose my mental health back then. It was so hard just to survive day by day knowing of my struggles, and then knowing about her pregnancy updates would have sent me insane.

Be gentle with yourself and do what's best for you. This journey is very hard as it is.

I would definitely tell her OP. I'm sure people would be happy to help you with the wording if needed.

YANBU at all to ask them to limit the pics etc (I don’t think I showed anyone apart from my own parents/the Grandparents my scan pics, why would anyone else be interested for a start? 🤣)

But gently maybe it would be good for you to pull back slightly from the friendship anyway for a bit? Especially if it’s a first child or a very long awaited one, I tend to find parents are even worse about constantly talking about their child after they are born (I include myself in this btw so I’m not shaming anyone- my only child was born after 10 fertility treatments over many years so I have a lot of sympathy for you OP ).

Its just that through the baby/young toddler years your child often becomes nearly all you’ve got to talk about (because you rarely are able to do anything much without them), but that will hopefully change as the child gets older. Just a thought, maybe that won’t be the case for you and your friends - but even though I suffered from infertility I still find myself talking about my toddler to my childless friends as I just can’t avoid it 😢 as most of my day to day life now revolves around him.

No! You are not unreasonable. I have been in your position, it hurts. Ask her to please respect your feelings. You are grieving. I feel for you so much but please don't give up hope. We were told we would never have children. We saw a specialist who gave us a glimmer of hope, we had 20% chance... ivf worked, twice. It seemed impossible but we got there. Praying you get there too. Lots of love x

@puddleofpuppies Really, who gives a pschitt about other people’s baby bump pics!
So bloody self obsessed of them to think that anyone wants to see a bulging abdomen.

We knew two couples who went through masses of fertility treatments
Both couples got two children apiece and then promptly split up which seems nuts.

The reality of kids “on the ground” as opposed to the nebulous idea of a hypothetical “baby “ were very different.

It wasn’t the reality they had imagined.

Yeah I’ve been there, for me it was more due to a number of miscarriages, and being on the end of the ‘I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat’ I found scan pictures extremely triggering. I knew someone who thought everyone wanted to receive a scan picture every time she went near a hospital and a blow by blow account of her pregnancy to date. A mutual friend actually interceded on my behalf, but some people really have to have this pointed out to them, that you can be happy and aware they are pregnant and not need every single detail

Just tell her that you are really happy for her but find her constant pregnancy updates and photos difficult to deal with. If she is a good friend, she will take this on board. If she doesn't react well, you know that the friendship is very one-sided and you can withdraw with a clear conscience.

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine . Absolutely no idea what the hell people were thinking sending you baby pics - it sounds like absolute torture. And I completely understand why you felt you couldn't say anything - happy happy joy joy is the only acceptable reaction to babies and baby news and it is so bloody painful if you are feeling differently and just cannot get on board with the cheerleading. Sending you peace and healing x

This is how you tell her. Everything you have said here
Give her motives the benefit of the doubt. Tell her you really appreciate her trying to involve you but…
Tell her everything. Tell her you are still there for her but you need your time to grieve just as much as she needs her time to celebrate
If the friendship is strong enough it will last

You wouldn't be unreasonable at all to say that

She sounds insensitive

Firstly I feel for you and what you are going through.This friend seems a little OTT TBH. I would say " Hi Jill ,good to hear your news ,however am finding it a bit tough going ATM.I love you am pleased ,but I am in a difficult place here .Maybe hold off the photos ATM.Thank you and wishing you all the best .

You sound lovely OP and I’m sorry for what you are going through. I would absolutely send her the message. If she is a good friend she will understand.

A friend of mine had issues with conceiving and went through IVF. Despite knowing I was going through the same as her she sent me updates all through her pregnancy as she felt that she didn’t like people assuming her feelings needed to be protected in that way when she was struggling to conceive. I on the other hand found it difficult to have those pregnancy updates from her.

It would be sad if you isolated yourself. You need to find a balance with your friendships.

Do it now before baby is here, otherwise both sides could be struggling and clear communication will be a lot harder.

There is also a way for photos not to load automatically on WhatsApp. You need to click it to download. An alternative could be to do this and then just say 'ahh lovely' or wait until you are ready to actually press 'open'.

Asking her to go easy on the bulletins for the reasons you've laid out is not in the least bit unreasonable and, gently, I'm worried for you that you seem to be in a headspace where you even think it might be. The kind, considerate friend you describe will understand this and won't be offended at being asked. If she is offended, she's neither kind nor considerate and you've learned a valuable lesson about her. I'm your age and have had friends whose pregnancies have made them incredibly self-involved and unreasonable, though, so I suppose there's an outside chance she's turned into one of those. But again, if that's true, you've lost little. What's certainly true is that her comms are hurting you, and that's not something you have to bear the burden of.

I think there must be a way to tell your friend that you are there for her, happy for her, but you are really struggling with your mental health, and that seeing the pictures is triggering for you.

I have been in your friends shoes and it is first and foremost on my mind to be sensitive with friends who are struggling to conceive. The excitement can be hard to keep check of, but she must have family she can offload excitement onto.

I’m so sorry to hear of your grief, OP.

Yes, absolutely send a message. I did the same when my friends sent me baby gender reveal photos after I had a miscarriage. We all felt we were able to honour our friendship with honesty and authenticity, and most of all with grace for each other and our vulnerabilities and shortcomings.

I wanted to say, as well, that I don’t think infertility has robbed you of joy for your friend. It sounds very much like you do feel joy for them. It’s just that you are also in pain. It is a difficult tension to navigate, and I’m sure you do it with incredible grace and patience. Be kind to yourself, as well as your friends.

Being pregnant is a very personal journey. I don’t know many people at all who have shouted about it from the rooftops, or spoken at length about it. There isn’t an enormous amount of “sharing” in my experience, perhaps because it is such a sensitive area for so many. I think that sometimes what we think having joy and excitement for our friends in this stage of life “should” look like when we are feeling such grief, is bigger/more intense than what it would otherwise be like if we were not constrained from “joining in” by grief.

You mention your two SILs being pregnant in your OP.

Do they know about the infertility? Are they updating you and your husband?

If you want this friendship to have a chance, talk to her. Otherwise you’ll just gradually drift apart - what sort of a friendship is it when you have to fake your emotions half the time?

If she's as good a friend as you say speak to her. She's probably just super excited and is sending the same stuff to everyone. It's always difficult because she may also be worried that if she sends to everyone and excludes you that you'll feel excluded and isolated.

It's totally understandable to say something carefully worded. 1 million percent. You've had bad news, you're so happy for her but you're struggling as someone above posted.

But remember to expect what you put out there. I sincerely hope you get your little miracle, I'm so sorry you've been through infertility. But if you withdraw and ask not to talk about pregnancy etc, it would be unfair for you to expect more from them should your miracle happen. I've seen it before where a member struggling has banned pregnancy talk, doesn't want to see pregnant people, doesn't want to meet baby, but then gets pregnant and expects everyone to be obsessed with them and their pregnancy and hosting baby showers etc when she couldn't even bring herself to congratulate friends on their new arrival when was them.