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Original poster

To feel I can't cope anymore m

33 replies

Tootiredmummyof3 · 05/01/2025 11:48

I expect I'll get absolutely slated for this thread but maybe I need to hear it. I'm so tired, as my username probably suggests.
I can't take this parenting anymore. I know I have to but it honestly feels like it's killing me. My older two are generally okay and no real issues, aside normal teenage attitude but my DS, who I love to bits is such hard work.
It's not his fault, he has additional needs and physically is older than 4 but mentally/socially/emotionally is between 18 and 24 months. He was doing 2 hours a day at school last term but they have changed it to 90 minutes this term as he wasn't coping.
The house is an absolute tip. Even when I get 10 minutes to myself to clean it's destroyed within minutes. Washing basket is overflowing and no time to do anything.
I want a break so much but family are unable/unwilling and friends say they will but always bail and tbh I'm not sure they could handle him for very long.
He's non verbal, still in nappies, no awareness of danger, climbs on everything and I mean everything, pulls things off shelves and when he runs he is fast. And as for sleep...
I've only been able to write this now as DH has taken him out but he only takes him out for an absolute maximum of 30 minutes. He's back to work Monday so it will all be on me again. Getting him up, getting him ready for school, getting him to school only to be back there a few minutes later. Getting DS out for fresh air, doctor's appointments (for me and him), shopping is all on me.
DH doesn't really help much but he doesn't get how hard it is day in day out he says he does but he doesn't. He's at work all week and does his hobby most of Saturday so he doesn't see the endless work
I just can't do it anymore. I'm tired and stressed out. It's just too much.
I really think DS deserves better than this. And my older two are barely at home these days so don't get any quality time. I need a break but when I say anything to DH he says you have to keep going. I do but feel on the verge of a breakdown or collapsing with exhaustion

OP posts:
TheWonderhorse · 05/01/2025 12:01

A snack in a coffee shop is a very very small start. DH needs to cut his hours longer term unless he wants you to be burnt out and then he's going to need to give up work altogether. Do you get PIP for DS? Use that to buy help, get a cleaner, pay for laundry services. Access all the charities and call the helplines, perhaps there's a group available he can attend? Or someone locally who's trained who would have him for an afternoon a week?

You need longer term support, big changes and a financial hit are worth it for your sanity. You're not a shit mother, or a weak person, you are doing more than most people could handle.

OttersAreMySpiritAnimal · 05/01/2025 12:00

Some excellent advice here already. I'd add, look at what you can outsource. Shopping, go online and have it delivered. Can you afford a cleaner?
I'd also consider limiting DS to certain rooms and make those more suited (eg get rid of bookshelves etc) so that you feel less like a hurricane is passing through the house every day.
You need to regain so time for you somehow.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 05/01/2025 11:58

Have you explored residential care?
It's a long wait, spaces are criminally few but it could help to get the ball rolling.
I'm assuming he's in a special school.
Do they have any respite care attached? We have houses on site for specific learners.

A part time time table is only supposed to be a short term solution. What's the long term plan for increasing his hours?

scandinista · 05/01/2025 11:55

OP of course you can't cope, no one could. Your local authority must arrange respite care, please call tomorrow. And also go to your GP and school to martial support. And anyone who comes on here and slates you can get in the bin.

Toddlerteaplease · 05/01/2025 11:55

Mrsttcno1 · 05/01/2025 11:53

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP, you need a break. Is your husband off work today? If so, put your coat on and just go. Go to a cafe and get yourself a nice hot drink/snack, or even just grab yourself a snack and sit in the car round the corner.

This. Your DH needs to pull his weight.

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/01/2025 11:54

Want to acknowledge your post and the physical & emotional load you carry
Changes. Your DH step up, decrease his hobby time. Give you some support and you time. He cannot spend most of his Saturday on hobbies whilst you do daily tasks
Have you had a local authority assessment for support eg a domestic care package for chores , shopping etc
Have you had a carer assessment from local authority?if not request one

Mrsttcno1 · 05/01/2025 11:53

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP, you need a break. Is your husband off work today? If so, put your coat on and just go. Go to a cafe and get yourself a nice hot drink/snack, or even just grab yourself a snack and sit in the car round the corner.