To feel I can't cope anymore m

OP, respite care can be built up to gradually. They aren't just going to whisk him off highly distressed.

There are some specialist respite foster carers who you can build an ongoing relationship initially with you and him spending time with them together with so he can become comfortable going there once a month for example.

In the long run, you are going to need respite over the next 14 years so it's definitely something to work towards, don't rule it out now as too difficult.

Social services are over stretched but they can, as a previous poster, also be lifesavers. It's not a mark of shame in any way for them to be involved.

@876543A

great post I just hope the op reads it - her dp seems fearful of SS when there is no need to be

My Dad didn't want Social Services involved when my brother was younger; it was my Mum that fought for it tooth and nail and needed the help - I am very proud of her for doing that. She got a lot of support from SS; there was a lady who would come once a week in the evening to take him out for a break, and I remember Psychologists coming round for parenting advice. There was also respite care arranged. Eventually, he was moved into foster care when he was around 14 and that made a massive improvement to family life - we still saw him regularly but my Mum was able to have that break from the day to day difficulties. Her life improved immeasurably.

Now he is an adult and he lives in supported living, and he has been supported to find a suitable work placement in a wonderful place that suits his interests and skills, and the time he does spend with my Mum now is quality time. They do an activity together for about 5 hours every fortnight, and thats a good balance for them.

Social Services helped my family so much and without them my brother wouldn't have had the good life he has today. Please seek their help if you are struggling. I know the Dad has a say to some extent, but you're the one managing the day to day difficulties and if you need help then don't be silenced. Think about what you want the future to look like for your son - you can't do this alone and his needs will change as he ages.

I’ll second what @Nessastats and @Nantescalling said.
Your H should experience for at least full day (and night) and soldier on.

In sickness and health. Worst kind of husband happy to make his wife sick as long as he doesn’t need to pull his finger out.Selfish and uncaring to the boot.

c
Definitely this. Play him athis iwngame. He should be ashamed. ''Un sickness and in health' it says.

You have a DH and older teens problem as they say on here.

Time they all step up to help out more.

Can be done by family meeting or totally losing your shit at them all - whichever you think will be more effective in your family set up. From your DH's comment I rather suspect it may need to be the latter!

Hellllo!

I say this as a SEN officer ….. when is your child 5?
I would write to your LA (the head of service) and put a complaint in and say they are not fulfilling their section 19 duties to provide a full time education for your son. Tell them they need to put it in place immediately, and it needs to be appropriate.
If they push back, put in an LGO complaint.

I have generally dealt with older children, so I am not sure of the legislations before a child turns 5, but when he does turn 5 this is what I would do.

I would also echo what others have said about social care. Even an EHAP initially to start the ball rolling.

Sending positive vibes your way!

You’re struggling as well.
Take yourself off on Sunday for a few hours and leave your H to deal with it. He’s also a parent. You need a break.
Your H has several hours without DS,cushy life and Saturday hobby.
What’s your hobby OP? Are you able to go out at all?

Your husband is a disgrace.

I cannot believe he takes him self off on a hobby for 50% of the weekend. How utterly selfish of him

He doesn't see how bad it is for you because he doesn't want to see. What a horrible man he is and a shit father. Can't believe he can only cope with his child for 30 minutes buy expects you to cope the rest of the time.

Arsehole

Would a strict routine help you or him?

OK so it looks like diagnosis path is moving in the right direction.

Please contact GP and ask for melatonin.
Support groups online are also very helpful, they come up with very helpful suggestion.

I’m not saying he needs residential care OP,I wouldn’t want that myself. I was talking about respite- a break for you for a few hours so you could catch your breath.

You still don’t say anything about your H, why is he not sharing the load?

Was in exactly your position op. Mine never slept from day dot so we were both already exhausted all the time, then came to three/four and my god I thought between the lack of sleep and destructive behaviour I was going to lose the plot. Also had to go into mainstream due to the ridiculous wait for a diagnosis and EHCP (was the start of lockdown when it became obvious he had additional needs/asd).

However, a few months ago he was prescribed melatonin and medicated for ADHD. I’m not saying he’s a ‘new child’, but he’s sleeping far better (on the nights he has the melatonin), and the adhd medication helps him regulate. He’s gone from a child who needed very high educational support to one who may not need SN school in the immediate future. Oh, and I also separated from his dad, now one night a week he has the kids and I get ‘me time’. It’s worth far more than any respite (though I absolutely appreciate that my relationship circumstances were possible far beyond repair to come to this point!).

@Tootiredmummyof3

You need to get your DS assessed and diagnosed for ASD/GDD whatever he might be. This is your pathway for him getting help with his education and possible respite also child disability payment. What do you mean by the assessment only for EHCP?Who assessed him?

Are you getting any support from any organisations? There’s lots of local fb support groups led by parents- this is a fantastic hub for information and how to manage.

Contact GP and ask for melatonine for sleep.

I’m looking at your post and see what you and your DH „don’t want”.
With all respect,this is not about what you both want,it’s about what your DS needs.

I don’t know whereabouts in the country you are but placements in specialist schools where I am are very rare. Are you in Scotland by any chance?LA put the kids in mainstream wherever they can. Sometimes you have to fight for suitable education for your child but you’ll get absolutely nowhere without paperwork stating his disability (because that’s what it is).

I would also contact his school and ask how they are going to fulfill your DS’s educational needs seeing as they are failing him at the moment.

Lastly- your „D”H needs a swift kick up his arse. Bringing up a hyperactive child with ASD is not a walk in the park. He just doesn’t want to do it.Funnily enough he’s only able to manage DS for 30 minutes yet he tells you you need to carry on whole day and the weekend?
What is he doing on Sunday? If Saturday is swallowed by his hobby then at least part of Sunday should be your leisure time.

Your DH needs to pull his finger out and manage the housekeeping as well- he also lives there.

Good luck 💐

Op there are foster carers who do respite care so your son wouldn’t have to go into residential necessarily

Also have you looked into self directed support for your son? He would certainly be eligible for that but again you do need an assessment

SS are one of your best hopes for all sorts of reasons - they can refer your son to special play schemes in the school holidays for example

Cutting them out will harm your chances of finding out what help is out there for your son - local child and parent support groups etc

You need to force the school into telling the LA they can't meet his needs.
How long has he been on a pt timetable?
When does he turn 5?

Your husband is being seriously unsupportive. I suggest that Sunday becomes your day. Find a hobby that takes you away for the day (or even just go and sit in a coffee shop!) and leave your son with daddy for the day. It’s the only way he’ll appreciate what you go through, day in and day out. I feel for you. I hope he gets a place in a specialist school as it sounds like he’s in the wrong place right now. He needs to be in school full time. Good luck 💐

Your husband reminds me of Julia's husband in motherland.

Useless sack of shit masquerading as a dad.

You need to spell it out to him in words of one syllable that you are on the edge of burning out. If you burn out, the whole sodding ship goes down.

If i were you and wanted to get my point across, id be up and out on Saturday before he leaves for his hobby. Don't tell him till after you've gone, just go out for the day, anywhere, and leave him to see a snapshot of your life. Your child will be safe with his dad, and you'll get a day off downtime that your dh acknowledges is necessary but only when it's his.

Why is dh doing a hobbie all day Saturday when you are at the end of your rope ? Tell him this no longer works for you and you need him to help at weekends. If you end up in hospital it’s all going to be on him, so he needs to step up.

I'm not surprised you're at the end of your tether - completely understandable and something's got to change. I definitely would phone the duty social work team - tell them you can't cope any longer and ask for support. I guess the hard question is whether you would prefer him to go into residential care, should there be any places available? Definitely get your GP and the school involved and hopefully there can be a multi-disciplinary case conference with GP,school and social services. You've been an absolute hero - OP - but you have to think of yourself and your other children.

Ring the duty sw team today - tell them you cannot cope and you are at breaking point

They can provide respite but they won’t if you don’t push for it

Threaten to hand your child over and they will c&:p themselves because they know his care would cost at least 100k a year!

And how can school say he isn’t coping? Tough luck they need to find a school that can meet his needs then