SIL's Christmas tantrum

Ah she sounds a delight! I always cater for everyone's dietary requirements or even just what they enjoy but I'd never bother if it was met with such rudeness. How mean.

I had a video call with my friends adult DD a few days ago and she went to her boyfriends on boxing day and there was murder between SiL/MiL who usually get on fabulously, so I think there is definitely a heightened sense of tension during Christmas. It's so much pressure on women mostly and I think sometimes they snap under the tension of it all.

Ffs, call her out! Everyone needs to tell her she’s embarrassing and needs to grow up. Also tanting about her present when giving sellotape is a bit hypocritical

Smile and wave. Be polite through gritted teeth.

if you (quite reasonably) call her out you risk the focus shifting to you and depending on the level of denial in the family getting dragged further into the mess.

Your DH has to set some boundaries with his family, particularly if there are children who are having their Christmas spoilt. I have an absolute horror of a 40s SIL who lives with PIL and kicks off about everything (MH issues diagnosed, but a lot of unpleasant control and interference that is unnecessary). DC remove themselves and I follow. PIL will do anything to shift the blame to others. We hardly see them anymore.

Sympathies, but be careful. Let her show herself up and don’t let her cause you anymore problems.

It sounds like a win that she stormed off, you all didn't need to allow that to 'ruin the day' though, she had left the room by that point. We have someone similar in our family, won't eat the same food as everyone else, won't allow us to cook alternatives, won't even eat with us so eats alone at different times. It is controlling and bizarre but I remind myself I tolerate her a few times a years, she has to live with herself daily. She does have some great qualities too so that is enough.

I was going to suggest one of those see through toilet seats with barbed wire embedded in them !!

I wouldn’t raised if with her now. If she mentioned anything about how “unfairly “ she was treated I would say something like : It’s not true actually. We made you a meal as your requested and we tried to get you nice presents. But of course next year let’s not do presents”
Im not sure about not inviting her as she is a family so I guess she’s coming anyway? But if she will do any food related requests you can always look honestly if it’s too much and tell her if it’s so. I mean if she is allergic to something or stick to vegan diet I will accommodate as with any of my guests but of course there might be limits in life sometimes.

Great opportunity to say we won’t do adult gifts next year and make it clear she’ll need to make alternative plans as as you won’t be inviting her and as she didn’t enjoy Christmas 2024 at your house. Don’t put up with it.

Why do you care if she tantrums and storms off? At least you didn’t have to put up with her after that.

Don’t invite her again as she can’t behave.

Is she independent? Self Sufficient? Able to look after herself? or does she have issues which need support? That's something I would take into consideration,
If she is well able to look after herself. I would leave too much involvement until the next time you have to host, Then I would call her and discuss how she made everyone feel at the last one.
If there's any sign of remorse or promises to do better, then meet for coffee and see how it goes.
If there's no remorse, anger, or Oh but I'm the victim here.. then tell her for that reason she cannot come... but offer to meet up in neutral ground where you will see her as long as she behaves herself.
She will probably take offense at whatever you do.

Just don't spend Christmas with her next year.

My DSiS and BIL are a nightmare at Christmas. They take the largest glasses of bubbly, help themselves to heaps of roast potatoes so there isn't enough for everyone else. Give everyone literal crap, when others buy them thoughtful pressies. BiL drinks too much and we have to listen to him droning in and on. This year my DD broke something by accident and he totally totally humiliated but banging on and on about how special this item was (it really wasnt) and that she should have been more careful. That was the last straw, I totally lost it with him and we left a day early. We are not spending Christmas with them ever again.

Unless you've no choice because she's directly said something to you personally, then I'd keep out of it. She's your in laws and DHs problem to deal with, they've had a lifetime of her, and I doubt any intervention you could make will help now. A good chance of making things worse tbh, as if she has them so manipulated then its likely you'll end up the villain of the piece and a rift could result. I think you and DH just need some boundaries about if and when you're prepared to entertain her or otherwise be in her company.

i assume this is your DH’s/ DW’s sister and the FIL/ MIL is the SIL’s parents? If that’s the case it’s either your DH/ DW says something to her or your keep quiet. It’s not your family and this dynamic has probably been going on long before you married into the family, so it’s unlikely to change.
its easier for you to see how dysfunctional it is as you are an outsider. If you do raise it I suspect SIL will play the victim, her parents will stand up for her and who knows what your DW/ DH will do!
you just need to grit your teeth and come up with a bingo game to cope with it or not spend Xmas with her again.

If she comes again tell that if she doesn’t want what the rest of you are eating ( and most Christmas lunches are pretty much gluten free with very minor adjustment ) her her festive lunch will be a bowl of soup followed by a bowl of jelly decorated with a sprig of holly as you can’t be arsed to cater for her because she is so rude and ungrateful.

If she wants something else she will need to bring it and cook it herself.

I would have expected this from our little one

Really?! I wouldn’t.

At least you have the perfect reason to never spend Xmas with her again. I’d definitely have pulled her up on her present giving - if she can dish it out she should be able to take it!

We have a manipulator like this. Ours is way worse. It gave us quite a lot to talk about over Christmas and it taught my dc about life’s dodgy characters from them participating in conversations and I have started to find it a bit funny as well as tragic.

We’re a very robust lot and at least one of us would have told her she was rude and ungrateful about the gifts she received. If she stropped off we’d just get on with our celebrations. People like your SiL are just attention seekers and I refuse to placate their childishness

I think we might have the same SIL lol

Low or no contact is the only answer. Don't invite her places, even Christmas.

Why call her out? It'll just give her more ammunition to be a victim. You're just playing into what she wants.

"She holds the entire family hostage with the threat of an emotional outburst, and few people in the family seem capable of calling her out on her BS."
No she does not. They allow themselves to be 'held hostage' through their unwillingness to tell her the truth, that she is being a pain in the arse.

I mean, really - a 40-year old woman makes a fool of herself tantrumming? They should point and laugh - brutal, but it'll put a stop to her behaviour.

You are part of this enabling, by the way. When you "pretended to be delighted" with her "absurd present". You did so rather than "calling her out on her BS." Why? Don't point the finger at others for doing the same as yourself.

"Because she's extended family, I bite my tongue"
Well stop biting your tongue! As extended family it should be easier for you to point and laugh, frankly.

I think those in the pictures are actually quite fun!

Next year, buy a novelty stapler, pencil or something similar themed to your sellotape.
'I thought I'd carry on YOUR tradition of buying joke stationary. This reminded me of you, and I'm sure you'll love it!'

Why didn’t you come out with “well whilst we’re on the subject of shite presents………”

My sister hasn't spoken to me in 14 years because I ignored her tantrum at Christmas.

Her loss. She'd always been indulged in her temper tantrums and I felt that at the age of 41 she was old enough to deal with someone having a different opinion to her!

I think people who act like this must have a right mealy-mouthed family around them.

If ANYONE acted like that in our family they’d be mercilessly ripped apart!

You should all get a backbone and tell her what an ungrateful douche she is.

Has db been in touch since? Was he there?
Did she want someone to rush after her flouncing off, begging her to come back?
I've known the type. The invites dry up in the end.

Regift with a smile, and say you thought last years gift was so useful and thoughtful you have decided to invest in the same for her 🕺