SIL's Christmas tantrum

I think I'd be subtly trying to get the message across that the behaviour is never going to stop unless challenged. Of course, stand up for yourself and your wife, but outside of that you can't really do too much without overstepping, in their eyes at least.

They probably don't feel like they're enabling her but they are, just by accepting her ridiculousness without comment or action.

It's sad for the SIL, in a way, as her family should be trying to help her see that acting this way could really hamper her life.

People like that don't tend to have good relationships with ANYONE, and it all literally starts at home.

I voted YABU but only because I KNOW there is NOTHING you can do about people like her.
You will never redress the balance, make her see the light or even shame her into behaving better. This is who she is and she will staunchly dig her heels in against anyone who tries to confront her.

The only thing you can do is change how you react to her and yes, how much she rankles you.
Learn to dismiss her. Let her storm and sulk and cause problems on her own. Being entirely reasonable will only highlight how utterly unreasonable she is. She can make a fool of herself if she wants to. Alone.

Please tell us what she gave you. She sounds like a brat! Laugh it off and hope she runs away to the circus

I hope this doesn’t offend, but do you think the chorizo was a not so subtle dig about your sexuality?

It never ceases to amaze me why people pussy foot around individuals described by the OP!
The SIL spoilt Christmas and she is supposed to be an adult?? Get a grip and put a stop to her childish, unpleasant behaviour.

Ok let’s talk chorizos

Her gift to me was a blank A5 notebook and a chorizo

As in a chorizo sausage? 😆
Unless you are a connoisseur, it was bellota pig and has some gold mixed it- how utterly bizarre. Did anyone laugh. Did your wife not laugh or saying anything?

People like this should always be called out. It infuriates me the way we just accept bad behaviour. We all know foul, rude, obnoxious, selfish, or toxic arseholes who seem to sail through life. When you mention their behaviour, you just get a shrug and a "well, you know X, that's just what he's like." Yes, I know that's what he's like, and what he's like is a c. I go out of my way to be kind and polite to everyone. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Maybe I should be a c as well. Seems to work for other people.

Print out these messages and send them to her - wrap them up nicely and say 'think is an early present for next Christmas'. She needs to know how most folk view this selfish, rude behaviour.

People like this seem to feed off drama. I think giving her as little attention as possible probably helps.

Don't ask her next year, if she complains tell her why

It was a blank A5 notepad and a sausage.

The only question should be who calls out her behaviour, you, FIL, MIL or DH. Or her own DH/DP if she is married or in a long term relationship.

Rather than calling her out - which will delight her as she will be happy for the drama and opportunity to victimise herself, stop hosting her, go low contact and give her as little attention as possible. If your DH insists she is invited tell him to sort her a dairy free meal and inform him he is responsible for getting her a gift. If she throws another tantrum like that completely ignore her and engage with your kids as if nothing is going on. That's the only way to deal with an adult toddler.

@itsjustbiology, I think you're on the right track; it might give her (brief) pause for thought if she begins to realise how predictable, and tiresome, she is.
Maybe a call to your husband, "Ten minutes, you win!" implying that you have been playing a secret game of "twat bingo" and he has filled his scorecard.
She's going to be annoyed with you anyway, so to quote the old saying, "Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb".

Just send a message

"Dear SIL we held a sweepstake on how long it would be before you threw a tantrum. I won so 👍"

Yes. But the person concerned will claim ‘mental health issues’ . This seems to be used as a trump card to excuse any behaviour, however dreadful.

Absolutely pathetic (your SIL that is)

Again SIL..shall I get your coat for you? Its becoming a regular event this your tantrums,let me get the door for you. Would have been my exact response there and then and bugger the consequences.

The only issue with this is that it would be a fantastic present!

People like this get away with it because no one tells them to knock it off. The question is, are you willing to risk a rift with more people than just SIL by doing so?

I'd be willing to countenance a rift, so at minimum I would refuse to host her next year, on the basis that, despite great consideration being given to her dietary requirements, she was very rude to her parents, spoilt the day and you don't fancy a repeat. Or even better, get your DH to say this to both her and his parents ('Im sorry, neither Maoleis or I are prepared to have Wendy here next Christmas after the way she behaved. You are of course still welcome.')

Why are you letting her? You can’t control how she acts but you can control how you participate.

This is my MIL, though she is usally great at xmas to be fair. Everyone walks on eggshells around her. I have stopped and don't care any longer. I'm at the stage that if it costs my marriage I don't care. Equally, when my husband runs to me about something his mother said, I tell him it's his problem and he helped create a monster. The whole situation becomes insufferable when this kind of narcy behaviour kicks off.