DH drinking in sole charge of DD 17 months

AmIwrong1234 · 2025-01-05T00:13:48+00:00

I went out for drinks tonight, not something I do often. Had quite a few but felt safe in knowledge that my child was being cared for with DH. I knew DH was having a few people round for company when DD was asleep. DH rarely drinks. I’ve come home to him passed out on the sofa and not very coherent when I spoke with him and found 8 empty beer bottles. I know only one other person was drinking so assuming four beers each. DH is a lightweight and a heavy sleeper without the beer. He’d promised me he’d be up overnight to look after DD so I could have a night off. DD breastfeeds still, usually just a morning and night feed. But can’t want and try and get very pissed off if she doesn’t get it from me during the night, to eliminate this he’d promised to get up with her as she settles fine either him overnight without the feed. AIBU to be pissed off he’s slightly drunk and unlikely to waken while in sole charge of DD and think it’s a bit dangerous. Also on another note be pissed off he’s unlikely to get up when DD inevitably wakens soon and I’ll have to settle her without feeding her when he was meant to! (I’ve had equivalent of a bottle of wine so can’t feed and she’ll not settle either me without a feed just yet in middle of night).

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 05/01/2025 21:06

LoveBluey · 05/01/2025 16:46

Wow, I must be an awful parent then as me and my DH have both had a few drinks at the same time on multiple occasions - we'll all the time really. We'd share a bottle of wine at home, go for a night out together (then relieve the babysitter), go to family/friends houses with the kids and both have a drink.

We would be over the drink drive limit but able to safely care for a child. Those 2 things are different.

That's not the issue though is it.

Topseyt123 · 05/01/2025 17:21

LoveBluey · 05/01/2025 16:46

Wow, I must be an awful parent then as me and my DH have both had a few drinks at the same time on multiple occasions - we'll all the time really. We'd share a bottle of wine at home, go for a night out together (then relieve the babysitter), go to family/friends houses with the kids and both have a drink.

We would be over the drink drive limit but able to safely care for a child. Those 2 things are different.

So did we. S on we are in the "Shit Parents Club" too. As are most people I know.

LoveBluey · 05/01/2025 16:46

Wow, I must be an awful parent then as me and my DH have both had a few drinks at the same time on multiple occasions - we'll all the time really. We'd share a bottle of wine at home, go for a night out together (then relieve the babysitter), go to family/friends houses with the kids and both have a drink.

We would be over the drink drive limit but able to safely care for a child. Those 2 things are different.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 05/01/2025 15:27

Fair enough OP, but I was responding to your first post.

There are plenty of wonderful men out there and even these make mistakes, the fact that it is a one off and he realises why you are cross does indicate that it was a mistake rather than a red flag.

Gemmawemma9 · 05/01/2025 14:26

Good update OP. Glad you’re feeling better about it all x

Original poster

AmIwrong1234 · 05/01/2025 12:48

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 05/01/2025 11:41

But it isn't .

He doesn't really drink

You asked him to be in charge tonight so you get a break

He chooses this day to drink more than what is suitable to drive

That isn't someone that has your back.

Hopefully your update means it is a one off and you will get a break tonight, but just check this doesn't become something he does to prevent you from having a break

Show quote history

For us it is a leap. He actively encourages me to go out. I haven’t had many nights out since my little one was born (my own choice) but he is very happy when I do. I do sometimes see friends for dinner/cinema (as does he). This has never happened before.

He does not drink often but he is incredibly social. His friend brought beer and I can see how it happened. I’m not against him drinking, just would’ve preferred he didn’t last night for reasons I already mentioned

He’s actively helping me get some rest tonight and next weekend he’s going to take DD out for a bit so I can get a break as he’s recognised I do need one. We’ve had a bit of a rough period of illnesses/bad nights which has hit me harder and he can see that.

People can just make mistakes without there being a larger picture, especially when there’s no red flags before. I was being a bit overkill with this thread last night because we just had five minute conversation this morning which resulted in us sorting it out.

OP posts:

PicturePlace · 05/01/2025 12:45

midgetastic · 05/01/2025 11:29

Bottles can be nearly a pint and 4 bottles could easily be 8 units which is the NHS definition of a binge session

One bottle when in charge of baby would be fine - passed out isnt and is really unfair as it stops OP having a night off

Bottles are normally 330 ml. I'm betting the OP would have said if they were extra large...

DowntonShabbie · 05/01/2025 12:45

TMGM · 05/01/2025 12:43

Yes, drinking at all when you’re the only person in charge of looking after a child is irresponsible. No one needs booze, he could have waited for a more appropriate time.

Lol, no.

TMGM · 05/01/2025 12:43

Yes, drinking at all when you’re the only person in charge of looking after a child is irresponsible. No one needs booze, he could have waited for a more appropriate time.

itsmabeline · 05/01/2025 12:43

It could be he's drunk less than that and most of those bottles were drunk by the friend. He might also just be asleep.

Be prepared to wake up in case he doesn't, but I'd wait to see what happens tonight before passing judgement. He might well wake up and settle her just as planned and then tell you tomorrow that the friend had 6 bottles and he only had two.

user1471516498 · 05/01/2025 12:32

I was always paranoid about being a deep sleeper when my DC were tiny, so on nights when I was by myself with babies, I used to have a vibrating watch alarm which went off every two hours. It meant that I would be guaranteed to check on them every two hours. It also meant that I didn't have to worry about getting into a really deep sleep and not hearing the monitor. I don't know if I would have ever slept through the alarm, but weirdly it made me feel more rested because I wasn't lying awake worrying about falling too deeply asleep.
Maybe the vibrating alarm might help your DP stay out of deep sleep when you need him to. Also it will help you relax, knowing that he will be on the ball. You can't really use it all the time though.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 05/01/2025 12:16

Much like the comment that "men don't wake for babies* honestly I despair. So many women set the bar so low.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 05/01/2025 12:15

MaltipooMama · 05/01/2025 12:10

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints it sounds a bit like you might be projecting, assume you have maybe experienced something similar to this before? All men are not like this though, my partner certainly isn't, it's more likely that the OP's husband just thought "why not catch up with someone while I've got the opportunity to and OP isn't in tonight", and didn't realise what the effect of a few beers would be. They may not get the opportunity to do this often with a young child and tbh my partner doesn't go on nights out, neither of us do, but if he did I would certainly take the opportunity to invite a friend over and share a bottle of wine!

Not at all, I don't have children I'm just saddened by what so many women put up with.

The problem is this, in ops own words

Thanks all. I’ve realised I was just annoyed about not getting the full break I was promised

It was discussed that she would have the night off and yet he chose to get into a circumstance where she didn't.

She should be annoyed m he has let her down.

Shrinkingrose · 05/01/2025 12:10

It’s hard to work this out, on one hand you say 4 beers and slightly drunk. The next you say passed out and incoherent. Which is it?

MaltipooMama · 05/01/2025 12:10

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints it sounds a bit like you might be projecting, assume you have maybe experienced something similar to this before? All men are not like this though, my partner certainly isn't, it's more likely that the OP's husband just thought "why not catch up with someone while I've got the opportunity to and OP isn't in tonight", and didn't realise what the effect of a few beers would be. They may not get the opportunity to do this often with a young child and tbh my partner doesn't go on nights out, neither of us do, but if he did I would certainly take the opportunity to invite a friend over and share a bottle of wine!

MaltipooMama · 05/01/2025 12:01

devilspawn · 05/01/2025 11:37

Men don't wake for babies. My OH isn't a drinker and sleeps through anything and everything. We had decorators using a sanding machine in the bedroom next door to him and he slept right through.

So he probably wouldn't have got up regardless.

I don't think this is true, my partner wakes at the slightest sound from our baby in the bedroom next door, he is far more tuned in than I am! If it's not his night with the little one (we alternate), he has to have earplugs in otherwise he'd be on constant alert

MaltipooMama · 05/01/2025 12:00

Saw your update after my first comment and wanted to add that the not getting up in the night to give you a full break would annoy me too! Sounds like he knows this too though and has put something in place to not happen again. Sounds like you have a nice relationship and good communication with one another OP which is great! Glad you managed to resolve things quickly and easily 😊

WiseLurker · 05/01/2025 11:59

devilspawn · 05/01/2025 11:37

Men don't wake for babies. My OH isn't a drinker and sleeps through anything and everything. We had decorators using a sanding machine in the bedroom next door to him and he slept right through.

So he probably wouldn't have got up regardless.

Respectfully, that first sentence is absolute bollocks.

Dutchhouse14 · 05/01/2025 11:58

HPandthelastwish · 05/01/2025 08:08

It's not really about the driving to hospital though is it.

Its about using that level of intoxication as a Barometer as the point you can make good decisions and have reasonable responses/reactions, there are other far more likely scenarios than needing a impromptu trip to A&E, fire alarms going off or even more routine things like baby / child being sick in the night and you having to deal with it. I think if you aren't sober enough to operate a car then you aren't sober enough to effectively look after a child particularly a small one that is entirely reliant on you

Edited

I agree with this, it was a rare night out for OP, I dont think she unreasonable to want DH to stay sober enough to drive and cope with an emergency whilst looking after DC.
One beer would be fine, 4 beers isnt imo.
You may sleep more heavily and not be as responsive and you won't be able to drive.
Odds are no emergencies will happen but I do think one parent should be sober when looking after DC.

StripeSandwich · 05/01/2025 11:56

devilspawn · 05/01/2025 11:37

Men don't wake for babies. My OH isn't a drinker and sleeps through anything and everything. We had decorators using a sanding machine in the bedroom next door to him and he slept right through.

So he probably wouldn't have got up regardless.

Bollocks. My dh was out of bed like Linford Christie when our baby stirred.

MaltipooMama · 05/01/2025 11:54

Is there a chance he's just tired and fallen asleep? I'm a small framed woman and four bottles of beer doesn't touch me! I'd be surprised if he "passed out" from those but either way I don't think it's a massive deal, my partner and I would have a few drinks at home with our little one asleep as we wouldn't leave him with someone to go out

Simonjt · 05/01/2025 11:48

devilspawn · 05/01/2025 11:37

Men don't wake for babies. My OH isn't a drinker and sleeps through anything and everything. We had decorators using a sanding machine in the bedroom next door to him and he slept right through.

So he probably wouldn't have got up regardless.

Yes we do.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 05/01/2025 11:41

AmIwrong1234 · 05/01/2025 11:24

This is a bit of a leap. He wouldn’t punish me and does actively encourage me to go out with friends.

Show quote history

But it isn't .

He doesn't really drink

You asked him to be in charge tonight so you get a break

He chooses this day to drink more than what is suitable to drive

That isn't someone that has your back.

Hopefully your update means it is a one off and you will get a break tonight, but just check this doesn't become something he does to prevent you from having a break

MereDintofPandiculation · 05/01/2025 11:39

Iaminthefly · 05/01/2025 00:20

His behaviour is appalling.

However having people round for drinks when you're in charge of a baby is also unacceptable. Especially when the other parent was also going out to drink!

I don't think either of you have covered yourself in glory here tbh

Really? Do single mothers not get a social life? The issue isn't "having people round for drinks" it's drinking enough that you can no longer take charge of your child.

ButterCrackers · 05/01/2025 11:38

Get him up early as you’re going out. He’s in charge of child and housework.