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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this Tesco worker was a bit OTT?

230 replies

Newfamilyhome · 04/01/2025 22:28

Perhaps I've taken it the wrong way and he was trying to be helpful but it came across a bit condescending if I'm honest.

So, I've just popped into Tesco's for some oil for my car. For context, I top the oil up regularly (not a leak, the car just drinks the stuff) so I'm fully capable of doing it myself. I've messed around with cars for years and see it as a bit of a hobby. Anyway, went to the self scan and the man came over to take the tag off then asked me if the oil light had come on. I said yes and carried on scanning my shopping whilst he stood there and said "make sure you don't put it in whilst the engine is hot and under no circumstances do not put it in whilst the engine is on". I just nodded and said "yes thanks for your help". I was trying to be polite and hoped that he would take the hint that I didn't need any advice.

He then continued "Make sure you wait until the morning before you put it in otherwise the engine might overheat and you could crash into someone else killing them or yourself". I did start to get a bit irritated at this point and said "yes thank you, I top it up regularly so I know how to do it". His reply was "maybe you should ask your parents to do it for you". Not that it matters but I'm 30 years old!! He then asked me what car I had and told me to get rid of it immediately and buy something else 😂

I felt quite flustered by the end and just wanted to get out of the shop. I'm not sure why he felt the need to give me this unsolicited advice tbh, maybe because I'm a woman?

AIBU?

OP posts:
FunGoose · 05/01/2025 07:43

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Workhardcryharder · 05/01/2025 07:39

PeppyGreenFinch · 04/01/2025 23:00

Thing is if a woman did this everyone would be calling her a busybody.

But when a man does it he’s ND.

Literally MOST of the comments are calling him out on being a busybody. There are a small few which suggest ND which is a fair point to add in as it’s common in those with autism.

Simonjt · 05/01/2025 07:37

ShalalaIa · 05/01/2025 03:45

I bought 2ls of water in Tesco to top up my windscreen wash and was told by a man to make sure I wasn't putting lemonade in by mistake 😂😂😂

I did once put sparkling water in mine, we were in germany and I couldn’t find still!

FunGoose · 05/01/2025 07:34

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IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 05/01/2025 07:32

You are not unreasonable to be pissed off- this is mansplaining at its finest. I would have shut him down straight away.

FunGoose · 05/01/2025 07:05

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LaLoba · 05/01/2025 07:00

I’ve had a lot of this tedious shit as a lone woman cyclist over the years. The men in my life never characterise it as well meaning, in fact they all tell me it’s an attempt to impress or somehow trying to feel superior.

As I’ve got older I’ve learned to give them one polite “I can manage, thank you”, before stopping what I’m doing and saying “I don’t need your help, go away”.

It helps to be a middle aged woman with angry eyebrows, this sort of ‘helpful’ pain in the arse seems to be particularly nervous of older women who say no.

ZoeRuby · 05/01/2025 06:47

Slight tangent but my FIL always attempts to guide me into parking spaces if he’s there despite me being a very competent driver. I have never seen a woman attempt to guide someone into a parking space.

theresabluebirdinmyheart · 05/01/2025 06:38

@ShesNotACowShesAFox ·
Funnily enough I have a female friend who is ASD and as many of us know ASD presents differently in women than it does in men. She says she feels she has to make SO many allowances for the ND men and the narrative in the community is the men should be treated differently but not the women.
Fuck that noise indeed

This is so true. Always about the men’s needs 🙄

theresabluebirdinmyheart · 05/01/2025 06:24

MogsSprog · 04/01/2025 23:22

Maybe OP and others could learn about ND. It may help in not being upset by behaviour they don't understand. You may even grow to like ND people!

I am autistic and wouldn’t like to be spoken to this way at all if I was buying something in Tesco. It would cause me anxiety and make me feel bullied and belittled.

Justleaveitblankthen · 05/01/2025 05:39

My local Asda, Sains and Tesco all employ a large number of staff who are ND for this type of role.
They are 'happy to help' and really seem chuffed with the human interaction.

HoraceCope · 05/01/2025 05:28

N16moms · 04/01/2025 22:51

Agree with all the above on it sounding like a typical man 😂 … but then the other side of me thinks this could possibly be someone with autism who perhaps just doesn’t understand the social norms 🤷🏻‍♀️ (my autistic cousin does stuff like this a lot and comes from a good place but his brain just can’t comprehend that someone doesn’t need to hear it!)

that is my thought

InkHeart2024 · 05/01/2025 05:17

MidnightMusing5 · 05/01/2025 00:07

He was just being nice. I would have appreciated it

Raise your bar!

ChicLilacSeal · 05/01/2025 04:50

OP must look very young if he advised her to get her parents to do it. He was just trying to save her from disaster. Better to be a bit annoying than disaster actually to occur.

Reallyaretheythatgreat · 05/01/2025 04:32

Wa engine oil the only thing you bought?

if not, did he bother to tell (mansplain) how to use your other purchases?

loo roll perhaps?

ShalalaIa · 05/01/2025 03:52

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 05/01/2025 00:07

Also some customers are ND. What happens when a ND person meets a ND person?

We both mainly nod knowingly at each other, because surprise - we can see it!

ShalalaIa · 05/01/2025 03:45

I bought 2ls of water in Tesco to top up my windscreen wash and was told by a man to make sure I wasn't putting lemonade in by mistake 😂😂😂

TheCourseOfTheRiverChanged · 05/01/2025 03:44

PeppyGreenFinch · 05/01/2025 02:45

If you’re more irritated by women explaining things to you than men then I can see why you struggle to look at it from a feminist perspective.

I'm not irritated by women explaining things to me. If they're obviously better educated than me it leaves me feeling terribly insecure and worried that I strike other people as stupid.
Whereas man-splainers don't get under my skin in the same way.

PeppyGreenFinch · 05/01/2025 02:45

TheCourseOfTheRiverChanged · 05/01/2025 01:57

I have never really understood alot of the commentary around "man-splaining" either.
And also wonder if that means I'm not a proper feminist when I fail to get annoyed!
If this Tesco worker is NT and believes that women can't understand car engines, doesn't that just make him a bit of a dick? It feels like water off a duck's back to me. I couldn't hang onto it after walking out of the shop. If I know I know about car engines how could it get to me that another person is so ignorant?
Maybe I struggle to apply a feminist take on this because it gets to me so much more when well educated women patronisingly explain things to me. I'll wake /years/ later thinking, "Why did she think she had to simplistically explain supply side economics to me?" or whatever. And I think that's a me thing - I need to let it go, and take back my power from randos who make quick, negative judgements about my likely intelligence.

If you’re more irritated by women explaining things to you than men then I can see why you struggle to look at it from a feminist perspective.

Rachmorr57 · 05/01/2025 02:41

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ShesNotACowShesAFox · 05/01/2025 02:35

Only on MN would it ever be suggested this man is an autistic secret mechanic moonlighting at Tesco.

IRL if your mate told you this story you’d probably just say “What an annoying bastard”

WishinAndHopin · 05/01/2025 02:07

He sounds socially awkward.

The first part was an attempt to make conversation and be humourous. He sounds like he’s got a topic that he knows a bit about and has latched onto it as it’s something to talk about.

He probably sees himself as sharing information and advice, which to a socially awkward person is always good and helpful.

That said, he wouldn’t have carried on like that after the first part with a man.

TheCourseOfTheRiverChanged · 05/01/2025 01:57

Atomickitten · 05/01/2025 00:55

I just wouldn’t assume he thought men were superior to women just because he tried to be helpful, I do think of myself as a feminist but wouldn’t be triggered by a man trying to help. Should we really see his behaviour as a threat towards equality? Maybe I am in the wrong here and should feel annoyed

I have never really understood alot of the commentary around "man-splaining" either.
And also wonder if that means I'm not a proper feminist when I fail to get annoyed!
If this Tesco worker is NT and believes that women can't understand car engines, doesn't that just make him a bit of a dick? It feels like water off a duck's back to me. I couldn't hang onto it after walking out of the shop. If I know I know about car engines how could it get to me that another person is so ignorant?
Maybe I struggle to apply a feminist take on this because it gets to me so much more when well educated women patronisingly explain things to me. I'll wake /years/ later thinking, "Why did she think she had to simplistically explain supply side economics to me?" or whatever. And I think that's a me thing - I need to let it go, and take back my power from randos who make quick, negative judgements about my likely intelligence.

Havingaswimmoose · 05/01/2025 01:46

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 04/01/2025 22:41

Tedious old goat 🙄

Did OP mention his age?
Is this comment ageism?

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 05/01/2025 01:46

Yanbu 😄😄 what's wrong with him

He sounds like a joker, I wouldn't concern myself with it - typical man thinking a woman would appreciate his wisdom simply because he's a man 😄🙄 x