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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this Tesco worker was a bit OTT?

230 replies

Newfamilyhome · 04/01/2025 22:28

Perhaps I've taken it the wrong way and he was trying to be helpful but it came across a bit condescending if I'm honest.

So, I've just popped into Tesco's for some oil for my car. For context, I top the oil up regularly (not a leak, the car just drinks the stuff) so I'm fully capable of doing it myself. I've messed around with cars for years and see it as a bit of a hobby. Anyway, went to the self scan and the man came over to take the tag off then asked me if the oil light had come on. I said yes and carried on scanning my shopping whilst he stood there and said "make sure you don't put it in whilst the engine is hot and under no circumstances do not put it in whilst the engine is on". I just nodded and said "yes thanks for your help". I was trying to be polite and hoped that he would take the hint that I didn't need any advice.

He then continued "Make sure you wait until the morning before you put it in otherwise the engine might overheat and you could crash into someone else killing them or yourself". I did start to get a bit irritated at this point and said "yes thank you, I top it up regularly so I know how to do it". His reply was "maybe you should ask your parents to do it for you". Not that it matters but I'm 30 years old!! He then asked me what car I had and told me to get rid of it immediately and buy something else 😂

I felt quite flustered by the end and just wanted to get out of the shop. I'm not sure why he felt the need to give me this unsolicited advice tbh, maybe because I'm a woman?

AIBU?

OP posts:
GreetingCeridwen · 05/01/2025 14:39

I think what I've learned from this thread is that it's not just in my own interest to be firm about refusing uninvited 'advice' from men. It may well be beneficial to their personal development, too. Which is interesting.

I'm ND, and I so wish there was the same understanding energy for the social faux pas of women like me as there has been for (potentially) ND men on this thread. It's also not lost on me that a thread about a woman's actual discomfort has descended into a debate about the possible discomfort of a man who may or may not be ND . . .

blubberyboo · 05/01/2025 13:48

Aw you missed an opportunity to explain to him how to scan shopping properly so as not to cause spillages and how to correcly pack the bags without putting veg in with bleach. Maybe he should get his manager to come over at the bit where the transaction goes through the till

JobhuntingDespair · 05/01/2025 13:27

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 05/01/2025 00:07

Also some customers are ND. What happens when a ND person meets a ND person?

If it's an ND woman and an ND man, the woman silently implodes, struggling to find a socially acceptable way to leave the situation and has to have some serious down time to decompress afterwards. Meanwhile the man merrily carries on not even considering he might be missing some social cues.

ND woman here.

Seriously, it does sound like he might be autistic. But he can be both autistic AND sexist - would he have insisted on advising a man in the same way? The autistic bit is him not picking up on the cues to shut up.

However this just means you need to be clear, not rude, in your response. Explain clearly that you know what you're doing, don't need advice. Explain it's rude of him to keep giving unwanted advice if he keeps going after that.

It's really not helpful to just say "Oh, he's autistic so it's ok". Autistic people might struggle with learning social rules, but this means they need to be taught clearly what is appropriate.

MillyBar · 05/01/2025 12:59

Oh, I think I know him. He's an ex-professor of automotive propulsion. He spent many years caring for his wife, who had early onset Alzheimer's. He lost her and had a mental collapse. Eventually he took a job at Tesco to get himself interacting with people again. He's quite open about it all. Anyway, it sounds like you were very patient with him, so good for you.

Of course, it might not be the same person I'm thinking of, but there's never any harm in giving others the benefit of the doubt, especially if they haven't done anything particularly hurtful.

Pipconkermash · 05/01/2025 09:14

CurbsideProphet · 04/01/2025 22:31

Essentially he is saying that even though he is not a mechanic and you have not asked his professional opinion about topping up car oil, he obviously must impart his wisdom because he is a man and you are merely a woman.

Quite. When will this attitude fucking die? It’s unbelievable.

AlbertCamusflage · 05/01/2025 08:29

I'd have been annoyed too, OP. Typical mansplaining with a pinch of ageism. I normally hate the idea of dobbing any staff in to management, but a part of me twitched towards that solution when I read your post.

What if all Tesco products were subject to the same sort of staff policing? Lectures about cooking chicken thoroughly and the danger of too much red meat, not to mention serious warnings about bleach - "Remember that while it is ok to put this down your toilet you must on no account drink it.'

Simonjt · 05/01/2025 08:22

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 05/01/2025 08:21

Oh, go back to wanking and watching Andrew Tate videos. We don't want you on Mumsnet.

I doubt he has the brain power for the multitasking required

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 05/01/2025 08:21

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Oh, go back to wanking and watching Andrew Tate videos. We don't want you on Mumsnet.

FunGoose · 05/01/2025 08:18

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IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 05/01/2025 08:03

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Funnily enough, I don't comment on threads without reading the original post. Which has no mention of women in overalls changing clutches.

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 05/01/2025 08:02

Simonjt · 05/01/2025 07:50

They help because they are clearly shit drivers who can’t park properly and are a bit thick, so assume everyone else is as shit as them, as they’re too thick to imagine anything else.

Funnily enough, it has never happened to my husband!! Read into that what you will!

Differentstarts · 05/01/2025 08:02

N16moms · 04/01/2025 22:51

Agree with all the above on it sounding like a typical man 😂 … but then the other side of me thinks this could possibly be someone with autism who perhaps just doesn’t understand the social norms 🤷🏻‍♀️ (my autistic cousin does stuff like this a lot and comes from a good place but his brain just can’t comprehend that someone doesn’t need to hear it!)

This was my first thought to i work with someone like this and their autistic

FunGoose · 05/01/2025 07:58

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mnreader · 05/01/2025 07:57

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SnoopysHoose · 05/01/2025 07:53

It may be helpful to have some links on autism to help those inexperienced with it to learn how to act in these situations. He honestly meant no harm. He may well get help from his own parents OP.
An awful lot of assumptions and condescending.
Not every unwanted behaviour can be labelled autistic, some people are just annoying arseholes.

FunGoose · 05/01/2025 07:53

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Simonjt · 05/01/2025 07:50

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 05/01/2025 07:49

Ugg we have a tricky drive, uphill and on a corner - l always reverse on and have lost count of the nunber of men who stand at the bottom to "help" me park then congratulate me on managing to park my own car . Fucking winds me up as would this guy in Tesco op.

They help because they are clearly shit drivers who can’t park properly and are a bit thick, so assume everyone else is as shit as them, as they’re too thick to imagine anything else.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 05/01/2025 07:50

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I have no idea whether or not you've ever seen a woman in overalls changing a clutch. I do know that it's completely irrelevant to this thread.

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 05/01/2025 07:49

Ugg we have a tricky drive, uphill and on a corner - l always reverse on and have lost count of the nunber of men who stand at the bottom to "help" me park then congratulate me on managing to park my own car . Fucking winds me up as would this guy in Tesco op.

Simonjt · 05/01/2025 07:49

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No

FunGoose · 05/01/2025 07:48

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IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 05/01/2025 07:48

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Because you're posting very strange comments. If you're in the UK, it's a bit early to be drinking.

FunGoose · 05/01/2025 07:47

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IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 05/01/2025 07:47

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??? Are you okay?

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 05/01/2025 07:46

@FunGoose Out of the two of us, I'd wager I have a better understanding of how I'd react in any given situation!