Dh wants to sit in silence sometimes

I work from home and do the lions share of house work and child care. Once they are in bed I can wait for the silence. Dh on the other hand makes any noise possible!

This is normal in my circle. I have friends who sit in their car for 20 minutes decompressing before going home. When I lived with someone, I said hello and then had a long shower before speaking to them when I came in after work.

I get what your dh means

Sometimes days are so busy and once dd is in bed it's nice to chill and not have to speak and watch a tv programme in peace

Equally I get you want some chat as had baby all day

You do need to get out. Meet friends /go to M&T and have some adult time during the day and not just baby

Then have a chat to dh say over dinner - then he can have his chill time

There is no normal on this - no right or wrong - it's fine if it suits both parties, but problematic if not.

My ex (who I recently split from but am hoping to rekindle with as he is the love of my life) and I were always comfortable with silence right from the start - but I do wonder now if we needed to talk more and that our relationship started to lack togetherness by the end. We were spending time in each others' company but it didn't feel like quality time, if you see what I mean. (A phrase I hate, but it is the only one I can think of here). If we do get back together as I hope (we are planning a weekend together soon) it's something I would definitely want to keep an eye on.....

I think it partly depends on what you are doing during the silence. We were too often doing different things - reading or on our devices, or he was watching something on TV I didn't care about.

I have suggested when we are next together we watch a film or some sport or whatever it is TOGETHER, even if we aren't talking. And I will be putting down my book and my phone.....

What is the silence like for you, OP? I am guessing that, as you are posting here, it does not feel like a "together" kind of silence......

My sister is like this! She is a doctor and always says she uses up her socialising on shift and just needs peace once she’s home. When we lived together, she would be quiet most evenings and if she did talk it would probably end if bickering because in her words “I have used up all my niceness too”. 🤣

What are days like when he’s not working?

I just told DH how important it is for me to be alone and with quiet sometimes. I have a busy job and we have a toddler and sometimes I just need quiet. I feel overstimulated. Sounds like your husband does too. We’re all different, don’t take offence - it can honestly feel like my head is about to explode sometimes.

Why? Sometimes people DO need to unwind after work.

She means he doesn’t want to talk, not to have the room silent.

I think you should curb the day time phonecalls. My husband tries to do that. Fill
boring work days or lunch breaks or walking to meetings calling me when I’m hella busy with small children and haven’t got 30 second to wee let alone talk. And then he wants quiet evenings. So I don’t do the day phonecalls and we catch up in the evening

Yes, I can kind of see where he is coming from. Not so much in my current job or the last one, but in the one before that, I know most days I came home and needed just to not be spoken to for a while. I just did not have the mental energy to listen and process a conversation, not to mind saying, actually formulate an answer.

It was a high-pressure job, and I was deeply unhappy. It was not a reflection on how I felt about people or anything. I was just burnt out and just needed quiet for a while.

A lot of people need silence to recharge. That's perfectly ok.

Why are you alone all day? Get out there and join some mum&baby groups. Sort out a bit of childcare to give you a few hours a week of time being in adult spaces without being baby focussed. If your DH is quite introverted and has a job where he interacts with people all day then he cannot also be your sole source of adult interaction.

Agree with this. There should be some compromise and it seems off that he wants to talk during his busy working day but not at home when he could have quality time.

Also
he likes to sit with me and enjoys me being there..
Does that mean he expects you to sit with him in silence? What if you wanted to go out or sit in a different room?

I understand your DH completely!

I think there has to be room for compromise. Can you agree that you sit and talk over a meal, for example, and then have some quiet time afterwards?

He's probably worn out after work, whereas during the holidays he had more energy in the evenings. I also find talking (and listening) really hard at the end of the day so am happier in silence.

My DH and I don’t even sit in the same room once the DC are in bed! We are both people-d out by that time of day and need our solitude. But if chat before we fall asleep, but nothing deep or serious. We communicate all day on weekdays by one means or another. Weekends we’re together in person. But both of us are speak-only-if-you-have-something-to-say types. I don’t think I could handle someone taking up my brain space with unnecessary stuff, get enough of that with the DC!

I’m a teacher and talk (and listen) all day at work. When I get home, I just need to have some time to do nothing. I just like to sit, without having a conversation or whatever.

DH is self employed and works on his own. He comes home and needs the conversation.

It can be hard work at times but we seem to have found the balance.

This lol

The fact that over Christmas he is a different person shows how all consuming his job is and that is not his personality.

I feel my job also gives my sensory overload and once my children are in bed I would happily sit in silence. I tend to go to bed early with a book which probably does frustrate my husband but it is the only way I can cope with the days.

He has remarked how much more relaxed I have been the past couple of weeks, not waking early in the morning , calmer and more patience with the kids.

I live alone -I couldn't bear to have someone chattering at me all the time.
I also really value the friends that I have where we can spend time in companiable silence, rather than constant chat.

My DH and I love companionable quiet. I read, he watches some TV.

we do exchange a few words when we want, it’s not enforced silence.

Other nights it’s like a bloody rave here

Could you compromise? Spend some time talking and some time sitting in silence?

I love and need times when I’m quiet.

Silence isn't morbid. It can be utter bliss if all you've had is noise all day.

She said they watch TV. Its not literal silence. He just doesn't chat