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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be unsure about DS going to this party?

187 replies

leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 21:04

DS is four, plays with a range of toys and has a range of interests but it’s fair to say most of them are maybe typically ‘boy’ toys: construction and farm toys and the like.

He has been invited to a ‘princess party’ which is where women dressed as Disney princesses greet the children, who are also dressed as princesses, and then they dance and sing to princess songs and have a princess tea.

(ds is the only boy going.)

I don’t know. I feel like DS won’t enjoy it much and will feel really out of it if everyone else is wearing an Elsa dress or whatever but equally he wouldn’t want to dress as a princess and there isn’t really an equivalent - I could maybe try a prince outfit? It’s not the first time he’s been sort of subtly pushed out and it makes me a bit sad for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 22:39

Thanks. I feel like I do need to stress that in no way do I think this is exactly a deliberate snub, that the party has specifically been booked because they’ve been going ‘mwahahaha, the boy can’t come now can he’ or anything mad like that. I think it’s more that they (some more than others) enjoy being this girly gang and DS, and by extension I, are an infringement upon that.

OP posts:

CurlewKate · 04/01/2025 22:37

@leavehimthere "But there are sometimes a few ‘huh honestly BOYS’ sort of comments - once at soft play I went to rescue DS who was being wrestled to the ground by another kid and I heard them all talking about how awful boys are - I mean, they didn’t use those words but that was the gist."

So what words did they use?

Bournetilly · 04/01/2025 22:35

I thought you were being ridiculous (sorry) until I read your update ‘of course DS can come if he really wants to.’ It does sound like the parent doesn’t really want him there, I’m sure the child does because she will just see him as her friend.

Once he starts school he will make new friends and be invited to a lot of parties, I’d imagine you’ll see the group less so I wouldn’t really worry about it. If he wants to go take him.

My DC went to a whole class princess party recently and the boys were dressed up as superheroes or just in normal clothes. Your DS would have a great time.

Jellytrain · 04/01/2025 22:28

Never seen a boy at this type of party dressed as a princess but if course they can if they want!! Dress as whatever you like!

Jellytrain · 04/01/2025 22:27

My son and his friend loved a princess party when they were little!! They were in awe of "Elsa" and said she was "really pretty"!

DarkAndTwisties · 04/01/2025 22:27

leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 22:22

I’m sure he’ll enjoy the party but he wouldn’t want to dress up as a princess, and if he did it would be in a ‘silly’ sort of way which is unlikely to go down well and would probably reinforce any negative stereotypes. I think everyone’s taking the Elsa thing veeeery seriously!

How many people are going?

My DD went to a 5th birthday party over the summer that was princess themed. She's never watched any Princess films (she's not interested, not because they're princesses, she just doesn't really like films). She didn't dress up, just went in some party clothes. I'd say about half the kids weren't dressed up, boys and girls.

Unicorntearsofgin · 04/01/2025 22:24

My little boy was invited to a princess party - small with 6 girls and two boys. He had a great time and wore his sisters Elsa dress.

If he wants to go let him go.

NotAPartyPerson · 04/01/2025 22:24

In fairness after reading your updates OP, the rest of the parents in the group do sound incredibly annoying. Long discussions about hairstyles and which girl is going to be which princess?! Two four year olds can't wear the same costume because..? Each to their own, they don't sound like my kinda people either (and I have girls!)

Original poster

leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 22:22

OP posts:

SnapdragonToadflax · 04/01/2025 22:21

How do you know he wouldn't like it? My son's nursery used to have princess dress up days as they'd been donated a ton of princess dresses - he loved it! At a party they're all just going to be running around in a sugar hyper tizzy anyway. He doesn't need to dress as a Prince or some other sterotypically boy thing - just tell him it's a princess party and unclench a bit.

GRex · 04/01/2025 22:17

DS wore a superhero outfit to a ballet party, and a reindeer onesie to a princess party. He had a moment sitting back in the ballet party before firing into some sort of conga and cancan kicking on the stage. He's always liked girls though, and loves being one of just a few boys for the extra hugs.

It is tempting to say "roll with it", but I feel it is you who is feeling left out rather than him. Double back on the adult relationships OP, is there anyone in the group you are particularly close with?

ScrollingLeaves · 04/01/2025 22:16

leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 21:50

I think what’s troubling me is that the invite was sent out generically to the group chat (fine) and then a long discussion on who was going to be what princess ensued and then the host tagged me and said ‘of course DS can come if he really wants to.’

I suppose you can read that one or two ways; either that they really want him and invited him specifically but tbh I’m interpreting that more of ‘well we don’t really want him but he can come if he wants.’

There really are a lot of comments of the ‘huff, sigh, eye roll, oh, BOYS’ nature which I honestly haven’t imagined and are quite frustrating as often their girls are doing something identical they’ve overlooked!

He isn’t into Disney either so a lot of it may well go over his head a bit but I suppose the important thing is he has fun. My only worry is that I don’t ever want him to feel like he’s only tolerated. If it was ‘oh a princess party and DS can be an amazing prince!’ that would be different but that’s not really the vibe.

I think go to the party, take it all in good humour, but then begin to get a wider friendship group for you and your ds.

Don’t forget these old friends but get plenty of more suitable ones -for both of your sakes! These women do seem to conform to limited ideas. Many other mothers are very nice without being quite like this lot.

Pandersmum · 04/01/2025 22:13

Many years ago we had a 5 year old princess and pirate party. We had girl princesses and girl pirates as well as boy pirates with foam cutlasses! They had a lot of fun. I wouldn’t worry about it.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 04/01/2025 22:13

If he gets on with the girls, then keep meeting up for his sake, grit your teeth about your feelings about the mums, and get your female friendship/mum support from your friends that are more on your wavelength?

As you say, in a year they’ll all be part of much bigger groups of little pals.

DementedPanda · 04/01/2025 22:13

I think you are reading too much into this, it's a party. If ds wants to go then go. When my ds was younger everyone just went to any theme party and enjoyed themselves. One such party gave me the rage though as there was a nail bar set up. Ds queued up for ages and when he got to the front of the line he was told it was for girls only... he was 3 🙄

stayathomer · 04/01/2025 22:11

Ds’ first three parties were girls’ parties and he was the only boy. Had a fab time at all of them, he must be good friends with the birthday girl and while it may be princessey, that doesn’t mean they won’t end up playing chasing or musical chairs!

Original poster

leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 22:09

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 04/01/2025 22:06

OP do you have friends outside of this NCT group? Might be time to accept that your NCT friendships have run their course. TBH I probably wouldn’t be all that keen to keep in with a group that perpetuates strong gender stereotypes and prejudices for such little kids.

I do thanks … it’s quite hard to explain because on the one hand I don’t want to sever ties over ‘something and nothing’ but it’s hard feeling like there’s a group of six girls and you.

To be fair reflecting on it I think it’s two women who are the main culprits, the others don’t so much but nor do they challenge the stereotypes or anything and it’s so subtle.

I know things will change when they start school but my DS is really good friends with them, he’s grown up with them, so I don’t want to isolate him!

OP posts:

Delphiniumandlupins · 04/01/2025 22:08

I think your NCT group sound a bit boring and obsessed with their girls being girls and so different to boys. I bet there is eye-rolling behind the scenes and at least two mums upset that their daughters ended up with less popular princesses! If you think your DS will enjoy the party take him along - he can dress as a Disney prince, a superhero, any other fancy dress or everyday clothes (Prince Louis?).

Original poster

leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 22:06

Antihistamine62 · 04/01/2025 22:04

I think you need to pull away from this group if this is how it’s making you feel.
boys are hard work. I have 3, but they are also loving and cuddly.
put yourself and your mental health first.

Well … I don’t want to pick on a kindly
meant post but I do think this is part of the problem; it’s a stereotype. I don’t think DS is notably hard work, he’s fairly easy most of the time and while he’s a lovely boy I wouldn’t say he’s hugely loving and cuddly either!

OP posts:

stichguru · 04/01/2025 22:06

leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 21:17

No - I don’t think it was to exclude him specifically but I do sometimes feel he (and by extension I) are a bit out of sync with the girly gang. They obviously have to invite us to be polite but I think given completely free choice they would just have it the girls tbh.

Knight is a good shout; I’ll see what I can do.

Show quote history

I honestly think you are over thinking this big time. Little girl has said "I want a princess party", they probably think you are able to work out what your kid would like to go as.

dechooray · 04/01/2025 22:06

Op. My ds was in this exact situation. A group of girls and he was the only boy. U remember a party where they all dressed up as princesses and he felt very odd. The year after, he didn't get invited...

My advice is to break away and go and find boy mums. It's probably a controversial opinion but honestly if I had my time again I absolutely would do this.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 04/01/2025 22:06

wriggleigglepiggle · 04/01/2025 22:05

My ds went to one of these once, he was Peter Pan and another boy was a pirate

Antihistamine62 · 04/01/2025 22:04

I think you need to pull away from this group if this is how it’s making you feel.
boys are hard work. I have 3, but they are also loving and cuddly.
put yourself and your mental health first.

Original poster

leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 22:02

Fmlright · 04/01/2025 21:58

My DS went to a princess party and dressed as Spiderman, he loves going to parties and is very sociable so it didn’t bother him. If you always get bad vibes is it worth sticking it out with this friendship group?

I think this is the problem - I don’t always. Weeks, months even, will go by without any sort of comment and then something really innocuous will happen and someone will say something and it seems to trigger a discussion which make me think maybe they don’t like little boys (and ergo DS) much. Then months will go by and I think I’ve imagined it then it will happen again.

Some are worse than others for this. It’s a shame as he’s a lovely boy (I’m biased of
course!)

OP posts:

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