For being pissed at my MIL?

My mother also does this strangely. Happy to turn up for non important events, but pulls the rug at the last minute at times when she is really needed. I think it’s some form of bizarre passive aggressive behavior.

I'm so sorry that this is your MIL. I have one the same. I had my DS in a nursery that was 7am to 6pm hours 2 days a week as this is when I worked. I wanted to swap him when he was 3 to the pre-school linked to his school but due to a long-term booking of the premises they closed at 1pm on a Monday. She offered to have him for a couple of hours every Monday afternoon (it closed at 3pm other days which I could do) she did it once and for the following 3 weeks she had in no particular order - a lunch with friends (all retired), a dog walk with a friend, a day out shopping. Needless to say, I had to make alternative arrangements and it's never been discussed properly as when I asked her why she had offered if she wasn't going to be available she just laughed and said 'oh well, you seem to be managing'. I've never relied on her since and that was 11 years ago. She's absolutely no use whatsoever so I do sympathise.

You’re not being unreasonable, but you are being a fool.

If she’s known for this and you keep thinking she’s going to change. It’s time to see her what she is and stop relying on her.

You can still go to support your friend but you’ll need to get a babysitter.

My mother-in-law proclaims on Facebook how much her grandchildren mean to her, but never bothered to even visit, and she lives down the road, where as my parents, who lived in another country, i could ask them in advance and they would show and enjoyed the time. Now my children are grown, and MIL posts about not leaving parents when they are old, as they didn't leave you when you were young, are embarrassing. My children don't know her or wish to, as she wasn't around when they were growing up, so this will likely be the case for your children as well; they won't value her as a family member when they are adults, making you as parents proud, she wont have a relationship to share the joys they will bring, it is totally her own doing.
I am very sorry to hear of your situation.
You mention a sister-in-law; would she be able to help?

Stop asking her to babysit and stop accepting any of her offers. You are giving her a lot of power over your life. You will feel a lot better when you make a clean break like this and she will get bored. I don't advise making barbed comments in front of others it escalates things and gives her the attention she craves. Just decline politely every time and she will get bored of asking when she's not getting any gratification any more.

What a wicked witch

So the next time she offers front of others, just smile sweetly and say no thanks, the last xx times you've offered you've pulled out at the last minute and let us down, badly, especially when it was xx funeral.

Make sure everyone knows her nails were more important than you supporting at the funeral. And call her out every time she tries to grandstand. Awful woman. You will likely never change her but you can at least make it harder for her to maintain a dishonest persona

I hope you managed to get a sitter sorted.

I would get your DH to soeak with her and definitely wouldn't rely on her again. I do think you should call her out on it next time she publicly offers too. It's appalling behaviour.

I realise the funeral is a time sensitive thing but hopefully you'll be able to build a good relationship with other people/sitters for future things.

Remember it is about her not you or DC. Best to accept that she is that type of person and not put energy into her anymore.

I wouldn’t confront her about it I’d just refuse the next offer.

My mother was the exact same...I had 3 very young, close together in age and worked full time...she would say, can I get back to you😡. Nooooo..I need to know now...also used to let me down more often than not. I had a nanny eventually...more reliable ....ask in the Facebook group for your area maybe if there are any registered babysitters...just a thought....my mil was also the same, nightmare...totally understand how you feel. I do hope that you are able to work something out. Maybe ask a friend. X

Honestly forget her - you don't need the disappointment. Same situation, partner was 35 weeks pregnant when her mum died and my dad past when I was young. Where as her dad became a father to me and spends so much time with his grandkids, my mum is useless. It's frankly embarrassing how little my she cares. I tried telling my partner when we first got together but she couldn't comprehend what I was saying. She was supposed to see her grandkids on Saturday and as usual started trying to find ways of pulling out and as usual cancelled. We stopped telling the girls if she is coming because it's too disappointing for them. She's seen my 2 year old about 4 times her whole life. I grew up without a real mum so for me I'm used to it but it really upsets my wife who can't help but take her lack of interest in our family personally. Especially when she's always around at my sister and her kids same age as mine. We don't need people like that in our life so we rely on babysitters who have a far better relationship with our girls than their own grandmother!

Next time she offers say very sweetly "Thank you but I won't take you up on that in case you need your nails done again MIL".
Yes the fallout will be immense but ff it, she's really let you down on something important to you.

Or just call her and call her out on it. She's let you down, you won't take up any further offers or ask again as you can't rely on her.

Hi OP, yes you have been badly let down... a funeral is less important than a nail appointment which could be rearranged?! come on. The reality here is that you have a MIL who will always prioritise her own trivial needs over you. It is quite hurtful, but at least now you know. I would expect next to nothing and in turn I would apply similarly. I would not be doing anything for her. Be cordial in social situations, but things will not change.

She sounds awful! I hope you find a babysitter.
My MIL isn't as bad as this and I still get annoyed at her :)

I Have 7 grandchildren and manage too help out regularly I also work part time ! She's fake. She's a let down too you and her grandchild ! My son in laws mom's the same always making excuses not too help she made out recently when asked too help that she was ill but was seen in hairdressers same day..pathetic really . Sorry but next time she tries too pretend in front of people say it's OK I've got someone too help now don't worry( even if you haven't) because she likes the power too let you down obviously

Yes to this.

You don't have to use a bitchy tone, just a factual one, but the facts are so damning it does the job for you.

Hope your DH managed to rearrange his meeting so you could support your friend xx

I'd be furious about that.

What does your DH say?

This is really bad of her to let you down like this.

Let your DH speak to her, but also do not trust her going forward and be clear about that.

If she offers childcare in the future in front of people, just scoff and say "You always offer but you never actually babysit, like the last time when you offered so I could attend a funeral, you let me down to get your nails done. There's no point in either of us pretending your "offers" of help are real now is it?" and walk away.

She is just doing it to look good, she doesn't deserve other people to believe she's a helpful GP when she's not.

Next time she does performative offers in front of people, laugh loudly and ask we to repeat it so you can record it as she never follows through. All with a sardonic smile on your face.

Jesus Christ, have some empathy. OP is trying to support a friend at a funeral, and you’re making digs about an Americanism in her post?

Accepting this will be liberating. I'd offer to pay for the nail appointment and see what she says because it isn't the nail appointment - she likes the glory of the idea of it, but she doesn't actually want to. It's all performative sadly and that's never going to change. I'm so sorry though, it sucks for you, your husband and your children but not having any expectations will bring much more peace. I hope you get it sorted.

Can you ring and change her nail appointment?

Don't waste time on her and baby during any more.
She's done it so often because you've allowed it.

People will only treat you how you allow them to treat you.

If you and hubby can't work it out together, then you either need to take children or not go.

Is there a day care you can drop them in to for this occasion?

I'd bypass her from now on & if she offers infront of people seem grateful but don't accept

MIL has let you down and it's time to stop relying on her for childcare at times like this one when it really matters and you need to find someone in advance.
In future I'd only ask her at short notice so you know you can trust the answer.