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Original poster

To ask for advice on having the kids/future talk?

33 replies

Stanwyck · 04/01/2025 18:43

We are both early 30s and he is divorced after marrying young. Together 15 months and a happy/strong relationship. But I feel like we’ve left having this chat late in the day.

We’ve talked around it. A few months ago we spent a lunchtime discussing baby names we did/didn’t like. He mentions he’s good with kids at ‘good at changing nappies’ more recently! And said his parents would be hands on grandparents as and when - mine have said the same. He said once he’d happily have kids, or not would be ok too

But other times he’ll say you need to have a good reason to have a baby don’t you? Oh if I ever live in X place in x country (as though he’s still a bachelor)

For myself, I think I’d be happy having a family with him and think he’d be a good dad. On the other hand if we didn’t have a baby/were infertile I think we’d also have a good life.

The other issue is I own my home and he rents. Although we don’t live together we spend lots of time at each others homes. Right now we have no plan as a couple.

im scared to bring it up but also realise we’ve left it too long. Do you just bring it up over dinner? Or tell him I want to have this talk? Sounds a bit scary saying it that way!

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 04/01/2025 18:58

Stanwyck · 04/01/2025 18:54

I think I am very aware of being early 30s now and that I’ll be 35 in no time at all. I’d worry if he was open to kids or wanted to wait years and years.

But also knowing it’s still a young relationship that’s less than 2 years old - although I do feel like he’s the one.

I think this is a really sensible attitude TBH. If he wants kids 'maybe in ten years' for me, that would ring alarm bells. It's such a cliche but men have more time to play with.

KerryBlues · 04/01/2025 18:57

Oh if I ever live in X place in x country (as though he’s still a bachelor)
But he is. You don't even live together.

MotherOfRatios · 04/01/2025 18:56

Stanwyck · 04/01/2025 18:54

I think I am very aware of being early 30s now and that I’ll be 35 in no time at all. I’d worry if he was open to kids or wanted to wait years and years.

But also knowing it’s still a young relationship that’s less than 2 years old - although I do feel like he’s the one.

It's important to discuss kids and attitudes to raising kids because if you're not on the same page you can move along but not discussing it will cause more misery further down the line

SarahAndQuack · 04/01/2025 18:55

Definitely discuss it. If it were me, I'd have the discussion next time he makes one of these comments (to me, they sound like slightly leading comments, though they might not be). Or you could just say 'you know, I was thinking about what you said a few months ago, about when you'd have a baby, and ...'.

I would think it'd be unconventional not to plan to live together, and logistically tricky.

I think ideally, you both need to talk about how you feel about having a baby (you feel you'd be happy either way; that's sort of easy, but if he really thinks it's a dealbreaker if you don't, you need to know).

You need to talk about when, in an ideal world, you'd go back to work, what sort of split of childcare you'd think was good, how you might think about finances. Are you going to get married?

I think I'd also (probably not all in the same conversation!) put out some feelers to see how clued up he is about things like PND, or what each of you might feel if you had to make a difficult decision about terminations (sorry, but it's horrible and it's much worse to have that conversation later).

And I'd also want to have some sense of what he thinks is important as a parent; what he'd do in terms of discipline or whatever. For example, for me it was a dealbreaker if my potential other parent thought it was ok to smack a child. Wouldn't be an issue for some people, but for me it was.

Original poster
Stanwyck · 04/01/2025 18:54

I think I am very aware of being early 30s now and that I’ll be 35 in no time at all. I’d worry if he was open to kids or wanted to wait years and years.

But also knowing it’s still a young relationship that’s less than 2 years old - although I do feel like he’s the one.

OP posts:
pikachooooo · 04/01/2025 18:49

It can be an awkward conversation but you're not dating, you're in a commuted relationship and it's one of the most important topics that needs discussing to establish if you're on the same page or not. Ask him outright if he sees a future with you and does that include kids one day.
It's best to clear it up before any "accidents" happen 😬!

MotherOfRatios · 04/01/2025 18:48

It's important to discuss it now before a baby arrives and things go wrong. I work with many women who were SAHM and got royally fucked over by their husbands and had to start a career from scratch and wish they'd had conversations about finances and parenting before things got serious.

I ended things myself with a partner as he wanted a SAHM and I refuse to be that.

It's worth thinking about the different scenarios such as careers and how the parenting load will be shared? If you're going to be a SAHM, marry and ensures he pays into a private pension for you etc

As to when to have it that's up to you, where is a spade you both feel comfortable in? If that's having dinner cool but it could also be with a cup of coffee on the sofa?

BunsenBurnerBaby · 04/01/2025 18:46

You have been talking about it. If he didn’t want kids you would know. He might be open to either kids or no kids (depending on what you think / what happens) but you have definitely been talking about it. Have you talked about marriage? Old school me says don’t have kids without that financial and legal protection. Maybe ask about marriage. If you get engaged then ask directly about kids.