To ask for advice on having the kids/future talk?

Some men need a bit of a kick up the arse.

There were 2 chats that I had with my now DH when we were dating because I think he would just have ambled on with the status quo.

After 2 years of going out, I said if we were serious about giving 'us' a go we should move in together - which we did.
After another 2 years, I was around 33, I said we needed to get married or start planning for DC (he had no clue about the fertility decline rate) - he proposed 2 weeks later.

I just think you need to have these chats - they weren't ultimatums, more sowing the seeds but I think you do need clarity

I had this conversation on our first anniversary. It happened completely organically. We were out for a hike in the countryside which I think really helped. 3 or 4 hours in nature, looking forward ( ie not at each other) and just able to talk honestly without rushing. Worked really well.

What you don’t want to do is move him in and then he stalls on DC, have the chat first.

It doesn't have to be awkward - you're in your early 30s and want to start a family in, say, the next 5 years? Then you need to have the discussion and be honest about what are red lines for you. You want him to be totally honest too so you can see if you're on the same page. If you're not, it's better to know now.

For example - do you want to be married before having children? If not, how are you going to safeguard yourself financially? Do you want to be a SAHM for a while, is he prepared to support you while you are taking care of your child? If you are return to work, how will you both contribute to childcare costs? How will you split work/childcare responsibilities between you? Will you buy a place together or will he want to move into your home? How will you split mortgage/bills/living expenses?

These questions might seem unromantic but if it were me, I'd want to get all these things straight before thinking about moving in/marriage/children. I've seen too many women get screwed by moving in, having children and being left with no financial security when things go pear shaped.

Another one who talked about it on the first date. Unfortunately you may find he doesn't want kids until the last possible moment for him.

Tbh it's better to have a general conversation about if he wants kids and then if he does how does he plan on raising them? What kind of parenting load and split does it look like for you. Because the longer you keep pushing these conversations back the more painful it inevitably will be if you split up you might as well just do things all in one and get it done. Rip the bandaid off!

I met my now DH when I was mid 30s so during our first phone convo before even meeting face to face he asked me something and I responded saying 'when I am married and have kids xyz' so he knew I am looking for marriage and kids when I meet that right person.
I think it's important to have these chats early on so you both know you are building a relationship towards marriage/kids. You guys have already spoken about kids related topics so you can just take it further by asking him what does he think of your relationship 15 months down the line and where does he see it going and on what timeline.

I think it's much better if it's not too formal, TBH.

Too formal and it could sound as if you're grilling him about something with a 'right' and 'wrong' answer, and actually, you just need for both of you to be on the same page. His views are as important as yours at this stage; if he feels he is being interviewed and has to say the 'right' thing, he might end up saying something that isn't quite what he honestly feels, just out of a sense that this is a test he has to pass.

I'm not saying he will, but I've known both men and women who ended up saying 'oh, sure honey, I definitely want/don't want children!' when their actual feelings were much more complicated. And that can be so heartbreaking if you both spend time not quite agreeing, and then for one or other of you, it's too late.

Yep same. We were both nearly 30 when we met and discussed what we wanted on the first date. We were married two years later and immediately started trying. Good thing too as we it turns out we had lots of fertility problems.

Definitely make the talk a priority if kids are important to you as well, OP!

You seem to be half way there in these conversations already. It doesn't seem like a big stretch to just move it on to a less general conversation.

I have the kid’s chat before the tenancy chat?

Do you know when his tenancy is up? I would be aiming towards that as an opportunity to decide to live together. Could you kickstart the convo that way?

Let’s be honest, if his tenancy expires in July and he’s not looking to move in with you then, it’s probably going to be very slow progress, or not happen at all.

Do that, tonight!

Go on a nice night out, get tipsy and have a nice little chat about the future!! Can be fun.,, doesn’t need to be too serious and formal!

I did say that we're all different and that it obviously worked for that poster.

I was just trying to illustrate that not asking it on a first date needn't indicate you are particularly overly 'relaxed' about having children. It just might be that you are a little more private at first. I don't think the OP should feel bad that she hasn't had this conversation yet. I just think she is right to feel that it needs to happen at some point if they're going to move forward in the direction of living together/marriage/kids.

Haha, well I was thirty and I have to say it was effective in saving me wasting time on anyone that didn't want the same thing.

Fear not, I didn't ask 'do you want children with me' specifically- just general sense. Luckily husband was on the same page else it could have all ended a lot less happily. 😅

I would have run a mile from someone who asked me that on a first date

My DH asked me our first date, that was 30 years ago do it didn’t scare me off.

Have the chat, watch a film with kids in it and steer the conversation to the questions you want to ask. Find out if he wants a family and if so when?

I would have run a mile from someone who asked me that on a first date! And we got the positive pregnancy test for DD on the anniversary of that first date, so it's not as if we were particularly slow off the mark.

We are all different; for you it obviously worked. But I think some people would find it an inappropriate question.

Wow- you're both very relaxed about the topic! I asked my husband upfront on our first date if he wanted children. It was very important to me so I had to weed out any consumate bachelors!
The hints he's given sound positive that he would want children- I reckon he might be trying to scope out whether you want them too.
I think you should just ask him outright- do you think we should get married and have babies? Be sure about what you want as well.