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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH wants me to get a job but not too big a job…

167 replies

Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 17:33

DH earns six figures inc bonus. I usually earn a bit under half this when working as contractor or in other roles. I have not worked for 4 months as my contract ended (couldn’t continue longer without massive pay cut by about half to become permanent). New roles were thin on the ground at my level in late summer due to market conditions and election etc. We have 2 DC and it was agreed if worst came to worst, I would look for new roles by January after 11+ exams.

DH has become increasingly belligerent about me not working and trying to control my spending. I do nearly all cooking, school runs, life admin and laundry but am not v tidy or consistent with cleaning…. (ADHD and perimenopause have also not helped). I know I need to work for my own sanity if nothing else.

He is now suggesting maybe we should have separate accounts to stop me spending so much money… For the record, the things I ‘spend’ on family bills which are run up on a credit card to earn air miles as well as subscriptions inc Netflix, Audible etc which I should rationalise.

He has now said that whatever job I take, it can’t be ‘too big a job’ as his ‘has to take priority’ as this a crucial year for him due to some project. He has pointed out he will always earn more than me so whatever job I take has to have some flex for school runs etc.

I have pointed out a lower paid job can be as stressful as a high paid job so I’m not taking that from.

I don’t expect any sympathy from anyone as on paper we are a high earning household - top 5/10%. We are in London and after tax, this is chopped in half. After school fees, it is almost evaporated. To move house to a decent state catchment would cost us more than paying for school so that’s not an option.

Before DC and up to them starting school, I used to have an interesting and stimulating job but it’s not one I can return to (too competitive now and I would be too old - really). I have struggled to replicate this sense of achievement and feel I have lost myself.

My priority is to get DC through school otherwise I would be tempted to try and get my ducks in a row as I feel disrespected. I know he feels like life is a slog on one wage too though.

My AIBU is:

Should DH’s job always be a priority as it is much higher earning than mine and I am unlikely to ever earn the same as him? YES

Should I activrely go for the BIG job with more days in the office even if it means I earn less than him and he has to start doing more around the house and life admin in an important year for him? NO

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 04/01/2025 18:20

Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 17:57

@DecafDodger I think he feels he’s paying for everything and not getting a good deal as I am crap around the house! I honestly am. And I don’t really care as I find it unstimulating. I guess he also thinks I have actually been indulgent as am holding out for the ‘right’ job that’s ‘interesting’ enough while he has done a really dull but stressful one that has paid him over 200k a year the last few years… I would probably feel like this too a bit. But there is lots of unseen work eg dealing with DC, keeping on top of school stuff, organising our and their social lives (particularly the DCs!).

He is actually better at housework than me and in folding laundry etc. I have higher qualifications than him but he is in a role that is more niche.

The problem is my dream job is not really that compatible with DC and would involve me travelling a lot.

Does your dream job have a high salary? If so, maybe he could get a lower paid, more interesting and flexible job so he could deal with the school runs, life admin, housework etc?

He wants the best of all worlds, as he resents you not working but has very exacting requirements about the sort of job you should get. It seems as though it is more important for your new job to suit him rather than you.

Helpaladyoutplease · 04/01/2025 18:20

Do you want to be at home? No. Are you good at it? No. Get yourself an interesting sounding job but accept it won't be perfect as few jobs are, get a cleaner and a childminder. He has a say in whether you work or not. He doesn't dictate what type of job you do.

Startingagainandagain · 04/01/2025 18:17

He sounds like a twat.

He seems to think that he owns you because of his money and can therefore dictate your life and expect you to be his unpaid maid, cook and nanny and prop up his career in the process.

Frankly OP I could not live with a man like this.

Look for a job that you will enjoy doing/really want to do and take a good share of his precious money by hiring a good lawyer and getting yourself a decent financial settlement...

This man has no respect for you.

dapsnotplimsolls · 04/01/2025 18:17

Get the best job you can and get a cleaner.

Alternatively, ask him for recommendations for a job that will meet all his requirements for you.

Pinkissmart · 04/01/2025 18:16

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 04/01/2025 17:59

He has now said that whatever job I take, it can’t be ‘too big a job’ as his ‘has to take priority’ as this a crucial year for him due to some project. He has pointed out he will always earn more than me so whatever job I take has to have some flex for school runs etc.

This would make me prioritise my career like no tomorrow.

How dare he say this to you.

Absolutely this.
He doesn’t seem to place any value on all the things required to make a family run smoothly.

He isn’t interested in your happiness.
HE has chosen money over his own career wellbeing and has also decided to scapegoat you for it.

I would not feel safe and secure with this man. Get a cleaner/ au pair and get back to work.
11+ exams are a silly excuse to wait, as there will always be something. You need to prioritise your financial wellbeing because this man is not a partner.

Original poster
Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 18:16

Every time an Amazon package arrives ‘What has your mother bought now?’. Ooh extravagant insoles for DCms
shoes. How indulgent!

OP posts:
Littleorangeflowers · 04/01/2025 18:14

Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 18:12

@Brombat To be fair DC and I consumer more Netflix than him… He has recently fallen down a Musk-shaped rabbit hole and that is scaring me probably more than anything.

I need to build up enough income to give the DC stability and an education and that seems impossible currently.

Edited

Divorce him, work and get your own Netflix password.

Poppins21 · 04/01/2025 18:14

BellesAndGraces · 04/01/2025 17:39

Not only are you not being unreasonable but your DH is a misogynistic twat. I would suggest getting your ducks in a row so that your DC learn that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Yes there has been times I have earned more and times DH has earned more. When I started my own business he supported the family so I could work for free on it. He believed in me and was my cheerleader even when when I doubted myself. We have just moved to another country for his career which I am happy to support. At times he has done more at home and times I have but we are a team. I would be really pissed off if he told me what job I could have as he took priority and did sweet fa around the house. As another poster said get your ducks in a row, go out and find a job that works for you and I hope it pays more than his…and then using his logic you will be the priority and he can do all the domestic drudge!

OneAmberFinch · 04/01/2025 18:14

Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 18:08

His project runs this year and then is over. There have been major changes at his work and he is one of the only ones who has kept his job in the takeover. He is at a vulnerable age too and I think he’s acting out of fear. His thinking and views have become more rigid over the years. Honestly he was nice to a fault when younger but has become more unbearable with time. From his perspective, he has probably seen a once ambitious, sparky partner turn into a ‘lazy’ frump with no earnings who is crap at keeping house.

I would love nothing better than a huge fuck off job with the first 60k or whatever the limit is going straight into my pension…

He is also cross as I put some of our joint income into an investment for me every month (I don’t have enough of an occupational pension built up) and he says we can’t afford it with two school fees coming out…

I mean... I'll be honest I kind of see his point.

Why not do freelance consulting?

Original poster
Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 18:12

@Brombat To be fair DC and I consumer more Netflix than him… He has recently fallen down a Musk-shaped rabbit hole and that is scaring me probably more than anything.

I need to build up enough income to give the DC stability and an education and that seems impossible currently.

OP posts:
Littleorangeflowers · 04/01/2025 18:11

He wants you to get a job
But not a big job
He wants you to do free labour
While not earning money
He wants to control your spending

Tell him to GF

Brombat · 04/01/2025 18:10

I can see the point he's making but mundane is not going to work for you.

Adhd needs deadlines, emergencies, novelty for the focus to kick in (or not. 😁)

You need a job with some some jeopardy.

I'm too tight to pay for a coach myself (dud do a couple of courses, vwry helpful) plus mostly retired but have a look at Additude & read the books on women & adhd to develop some strategies.

I'd probably make a point & cancel anything that will inconvenience him like the Netflix too. 😁

stanleypops66 · 04/01/2025 18:09

You're not very good at keeping the house in order by your own admission. That would annoy the shit out of me if I've been at work all day, especially with school age children. So in your case I'd go back to work but find a job that I wanted to do. Regardless of what he earns if you're both working ft you should both pull your weight around the house and with the kids.

Original poster
Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 18:09

I think his ‘threats’ are his way of trying to get me back into the workforce as he is exasperated. He has never changed jobs while my career has been stop and start and more varied. I have largely had fun (as far as that is possible) with my work whereas his is high earning but would bore me to tears.

OP posts:
Tabletten · 04/01/2025 18:08

He doesn’t have your best interests at heart.. get the best possible job you can and figure out the cleaning afterwards!

Original poster
Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 18:08

His project runs this year and then is over. There have been major changes at his work and he is one of the only ones who has kept his job in the takeover. He is at a vulnerable age too and I think he’s acting out of fear. His thinking and views have become more rigid over the years. Honestly he was nice to a fault when younger but has become more unbearable with time. From his perspective, he has probably seen a once ambitious, sparky partner turn into a ‘lazy’ frump with no earnings who is crap at keeping house.

I would love nothing better than a huge fuck off job with the first 60k or whatever the limit is going straight into my pension…

He is also cross as I put some of our joint income into an investment for me every month (I don’t have enough of an occupational pension built up) and he says we can’t afford it with two school fees coming out…

OP posts:
Dearg · 04/01/2025 18:06

Completely agree with @HomeTheatreSystem .

Get the job you want, which fulfils you. Then split the cost of a cleaner and wrap around care proportionally.

He sounds Neanderthal.

HomeTheatreSystem · 04/01/2025 18:04

Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 17:57

@DecafDodger I think he feels he’s paying for everything and not getting a good deal as I am crap around the house! I honestly am. And I don’t really care as I find it unstimulating. I guess he also thinks I have actually been indulgent as am holding out for the ‘right’ job that’s ‘interesting’ enough while he has done a really dull but stressful one that has paid him over 200k a year the last few years… I would probably feel like this too a bit. But there is lots of unseen work eg dealing with DC, keeping on top of school stuff, organising our and their social lives (particularly the DCs!).

He is actually better at housework than me and in folding laundry etc. I have higher qualifications than him but he is in a role that is more niche.

The problem is my dream job is not really that compatible with DC and would involve me travelling a lot.

So you go for the job you want, tell him how much the extra childcare will cost plus cleaners and split the cost between you. Just because he earns 200k doesn't give him the right to tell you what job you should take. The care of the kids and the house are a joint responsibility if you're both out at work: he either does his share or pays someone else to do it for him.

orangewasp · 04/01/2025 18:04

So he wants to limit your access to the money he earns, whilst at the same time imposing limitations on what you earn yourself? Jog on, mate.

Changingplace · 04/01/2025 18:03

If his job is so big and important and he earns so much money why not get a cleaner etc, and you get whatever job you want?

He can’t have it both ways moaning about you not having a job but then dictating that the job you get can’t be too good!?

Original poster
Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 18:02

Thanks @Brombat .
Is there a coach you could recommend? Though I doubt H would accept yet another bill going out!
The credit card bill is usually just over a grand a month. That’s for weekday meal box, Netflix, Audible, Peloton, occasional snacks with DC out, skincare product of £24 a month etc.

I actually think I don’t spend enough on myself! Friends in similar positions lead a life of ladies who lunch, regular beauty treatments etc though they’re also more disciplined around the house. But that superficial stuff just doesn’t interest me unless it means I command more respect with a more pulled together wardrobe etc.

OP posts:
Mrsbloggz · 04/01/2025 18:02

This man think you are going to obey him!!?😂
He thinks you're going to oppress yourself to protect his ego.
He's a twit, serve him his arse on a plate.

OneAmberFinch · 04/01/2025 18:01

Is there an intermediate job that requires less travelling but still in your industry?

I recommend the book Couples That Work for some different models in how to juggle two "career" type jobs. It can be that one of them takes precedence for a while, and then you switch. What position will DH be in a year from now?

Spirallingdownwards · 04/01/2025 18:01

Get a cleaner.

He can't have it both ways that you can't earn but also can't access the family money.

Get a big job to build your own pension because I can envisage a situation where his pension will be "his" money.

Sazzerss · 04/01/2025 18:00

Belligerent?

So an abusive prick is a bully who wants you earning but combining it with your primary position as skivvy aupair?

Get legal advice first.
Ultimately you need to get back to work because this misogynistic prick cares only for himself.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I would throw him.

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