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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH wants me to get a job but not too big a job…

167 replies

Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 17:33

DH earns six figures inc bonus. I usually earn a bit under half this when working as contractor or in other roles. I have not worked for 4 months as my contract ended (couldn’t continue longer without massive pay cut by about half to become permanent). New roles were thin on the ground at my level in late summer due to market conditions and election etc. We have 2 DC and it was agreed if worst came to worst, I would look for new roles by January after 11+ exams.

DH has become increasingly belligerent about me not working and trying to control my spending. I do nearly all cooking, school runs, life admin and laundry but am not v tidy or consistent with cleaning…. (ADHD and perimenopause have also not helped). I know I need to work for my own sanity if nothing else.

He is now suggesting maybe we should have separate accounts to stop me spending so much money… For the record, the things I ‘spend’ on family bills which are run up on a credit card to earn air miles as well as subscriptions inc Netflix, Audible etc which I should rationalise.

He has now said that whatever job I take, it can’t be ‘too big a job’ as his ‘has to take priority’ as this a crucial year for him due to some project. He has pointed out he will always earn more than me so whatever job I take has to have some flex for school runs etc.

I have pointed out a lower paid job can be as stressful as a high paid job so I’m not taking that from.

I don’t expect any sympathy from anyone as on paper we are a high earning household - top 5/10%. We are in London and after tax, this is chopped in half. After school fees, it is almost evaporated. To move house to a decent state catchment would cost us more than paying for school so that’s not an option.

Before DC and up to them starting school, I used to have an interesting and stimulating job but it’s not one I can return to (too competitive now and I would be too old - really). I have struggled to replicate this sense of achievement and feel I have lost myself.

My priority is to get DC through school otherwise I would be tempted to try and get my ducks in a row as I feel disrespected. I know he feels like life is a slog on one wage too though.

My AIBU is:

Should DH’s job always be a priority as it is much higher earning than mine and I am unlikely to ever earn the same as him? YES

Should I activrely go for the BIG job with more days in the office even if it means I earn less than him and he has to start doing more around the house and life admin in an important year for him? NO

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 04/01/2025 19:53

Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 19:45

To those saying get a big F off job so I can afford to live alone, isn’t the opposite advice offered to men? Cut down your hours so you don’t have to pay child maintenance?! Not that I’m considering this too seriously though if his views continue down this path I can’t see myself relaxing into old age with a bigot (which is what he will become if he goes much further). I do wonder if this new attempt to control me is part of that or just his fear about money based on childhood poverty playing out. Argh it’s complex.

It is different because you aren't going to be paying child maintenance but receiving less of it if you are working vs not working.

So it depends how much your salary would be in a big job? Child maintenance would only cover the cost of children and only until 18 while taking a big job would give you the income and pension for after children leave

It sounds like you don't have loads of assets as a family so are high income family but not mega wealthy? So it won't be that you get a huge spousal support settlement. You'd get some of his pension and some of of the house value but if you want to maintain a certain lifestyle into old age, you'd probably be better off taking a career job then being a SAHM.

justasking111 · 04/01/2025 19:51

Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 19:41

He is spending too much time on X and YouTube. He is acting like a Reform supporter. I can understand the marginalised in society turning to more radical parties. But this is a man who works in financial services earning over 200k a year. Perhaps he feels he’s lost out to those on 400k a year?!

To be fair, he comes from a poor background (though it hasn’t turned at least one of his siblings into a dickhead though it is a woman I guess). Didn’t complete his degree, which was in a practical subject rather than humanities so may be missing some ability to analyse and interrogate sources.

We are having more rows about immigration etc and the resurgence of the child rape scandal has set him over the edge…

I wonder whether his obsession with spending and school fees is also resentment towards sacrificing so much for DC when his own father was a deadbeat dad who never paid a penny of maintenance and only sent him one birthday card throughout his childhood? No parental responsibility from his DF at all and his single mother had to work fulltime and carry the load. Maybe he’s projecting a bit though we are the other end of the income scale?

Well yes he's scarred as is mine for different reasons. His mother never worked but inherited money which she frittered away, she was a lousy mother.

The right wing stance my lovely liberal father once told me increases as a man accumulates wealth and is afraid to lose it.

The difference is my husband self employed couldn't be around for school runs so was happy for me to work part time. He frets about one son whose wife puts career high on the list so the children go to after school clubs.

Original poster
Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 19:48

@EarthSight He did actually say that as his job is higher earning and that job alone can pay the school fees, then his job always has to take priority… He emphasised that this year in particular is important but he’s been worrying about redundancy for the last 20’years. Weirdly, his company went belly up before him anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 19:45

To those saying get a big F off job so I can afford to live alone, isn’t the opposite advice offered to men? Cut down your hours so you don’t have to pay child maintenance?! Not that I’m considering this too seriously though if his views continue down this path I can’t see myself relaxing into old age with a bigot (which is what he will become if he goes much further). I do wonder if this new attempt to control me is part of that or just his fear about money based on childhood poverty playing out. Argh it’s complex.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 04/01/2025 19:44

Good respondes on here -

He wants to have his cake and eat it - all the benefits of a housewife doing everything at home to enable him to work in his “big job”, but also expects you to work - except you can’t be as busy as important as him @Mnetcurious

So he wants to limit your access to the money he earns, whilst at the same time imposing limitations on what you earn yourself? Jog on, mate @orangewasp

I would like to know the answer to -

'So husband. Which part of child care are you willing to pick up to enable me to have this job'.

His response will either be poor or non-existent, I expect.

I'm concerned that you will end up quitting or signing yourself off sick because of the stress of trying to manage everything, and he'll make you feel like a failure when the cracks appear.

It doesn't sound like he respects what you do, and either he has good reasons for that, or he thinks he's a Very Important Man (VIM).

VIMs fancy themselves as the CEO of your house, and such, they think it's their job to make you feel like you're underperforming so you'll go over & above. The threat of the separate bank accounts is him putting you on a Performance Development Plan and sending you to the naughty corner.

2025willbemytime · 04/01/2025 19:42

Kids are full time. They can't sit in a corner as daddy has a big project.

None of what he said would matter if he hadn't started trying to control you.

Original poster
Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 19:41

He is spending too much time on X and YouTube. He is acting like a Reform supporter. I can understand the marginalised in society turning to more radical parties. But this is a man who works in financial services earning over 200k a year. Perhaps he feels he’s lost out to those on 400k a year?!

To be fair, he comes from a poor background (though it hasn’t turned at least one of his siblings into a dickhead though it is a woman I guess). Didn’t complete his degree, which was in a practical subject rather than humanities so may be missing some ability to analyse and interrogate sources.

We are having more rows about immigration etc and the resurgence of the child rape scandal has set him over the edge…

I wonder whether his obsession with spending and school fees is also resentment towards sacrificing so much for DC when his own father was a deadbeat dad who never paid a penny of maintenance and only sent him one birthday card throughout his childhood? No parental responsibility from his DF at all and his single mother had to work fulltime and carry the load. Maybe he’s projecting a bit though we are the other end of the income scale?

OP posts:
CleftChin · 04/01/2025 19:41

Of course you fucking earn less when you have to continuously defer to his job (according to him).

I had the exact same argument with my ex - especially after I was offered 3 different jobs, and he refused to use his flex time to even do drop-offs (the easy one - all at the same, reliable time, outside of rush hour - unlike pickups).

I now earn plenty (top 5% or higher) - meanwhile he earns top 1% - but I have 95% care of the kids, so I'm actually still enabling him.

You have to decide if you like him enough to let him get away with this and live with this attitude even into old age, or if you've had enough (and if you're lucky, he'd go full 50/50 - but likely not)

TheCrassInCrassula · 04/01/2025 19:41

I would get myself a big job in 2025 and divorce the wanker in 2026 (or 2025 and a half).

Thatcastlethere · 04/01/2025 19:40

This is about his attitude towards money not your job..
He thinks you should be doing all the childcare and household stuff and working full time AND he still gets to control all the money?
I'd be livid honestly.
It's not like you aren't looking for work and it sounds like you don't struggle financially.. why on earth is he lecturing you about money? It doesn't sound like you are frivolous.
Get a decent job that has scope for earning well.. get your ducks in a row.. leave him and have him pay child support.
Honestly life is too short to put up with this nonsense from men.
He can't have his cake and eat it.
You'd be better off alone and at least you'd have no one treating you like a child and negating the work you do for everyone.

Onemorepenny · 04/01/2025 19:37

I agree with @gamerchick - pursue your career, stabilise your income and buy in help. I couldn't do SAHM indefinitely.

I couldn't have those comments about spending on the DC, particularly not where they can hear. He may be having a general moan and trying to make a point to you. Kids may interpret that as there being financial pressures in the home and that's not their burden to share so I'd be doing a financial check in immediately to get back on the same hymn sheet.

cosima4 · 04/01/2025 19:33

What 'content' is he watching OP? You say he is being radicalised?

He sounds very unpleasant for sure.

BellesAndGraces · 04/01/2025 19:33

Beeloux · 04/01/2025 18:57

This is why I respect other cultures where men are the providers and woman take care of the family life. Far too many men over here want a traditional slave wife and for you to also contribute 50/50 financially. I grew up in a country where men are the providers and worked in an international company where many of the woman would not accept dates with men where they expected 50/50.
Since my divorce, I’m happy to stay single rather than be with a greedy man.

Most men can’t afford a 1950s wife.

Oneanonymouspost · 04/01/2025 19:32

Hmm I’m torn, on the one hand I don’t like his attitude but also practically I can see his point. My DH out earns me and always will given the industries we’re in (me in healthcare and him business) so while I work part time I pick up a bit more slack at home (although he absolutely pulls his weight) and he respects my work and career if push came to shove my career would have to take a backseat to his if we wanted to maintain the lifestyle we have. I’m fine with this but not particularly ambitious myself although I love my job.

maltravers · 04/01/2025 19:30

If you got the “big job” and a housekeeper would it work financially? If so, do that. If not, point out the cost of what you do as current “housekeeper” maybe? It sounds like your marriage is at risk if you keep with the status quo.

Porkyporkchop · 04/01/2025 19:30

WimpoleHat · 04/01/2025 17:43

Ah - this is a classic tactic. Puts pressure on you to get a job, but he wants you to have a unicorn job, where you can do all the childcare, housework and life admin as well without his being inconvenienced in the slightest. I would sit him down and ask him to commit to which days he was sorting the school drop offs/pickups? Which weeks of the school holidays he would take as leave to look after the kids? Which nights he was cooking the dinner?

This.
pin him to the mast of the boat he wants to sail and see if he is still keen.

Ophy83 · 04/01/2025 19:29

Find a job that fulfils you and also find a cleaner! Whoever gets home from work first cooks that evening.

MojoMoon · 04/01/2025 19:28

I second going for your dream job and buying in more help btw. If the marriage is on the rocks, you would be better off that way.

Your children also will be fine without having a really busy social life and having each subject choice or hobby made the focus of greater discussion or research. They are getting a great education and opportunities - you don't need to dedicate your life to all aspects of their social life.

UnbeatenMum · 04/01/2025 19:27

I am not currently working due to my youngest's additional needs. DH is a high earner. But if he was commenting a lot on my spending or me paying into my pension then I don't think I would be that happy about it and might be looking for a new arrangement. We also have a cleaner. I'm facilitating DH's work and home life being manageable and he's well aware of it.

MojoMoon · 04/01/2025 19:25

Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 19:14

@LL1991 yes he did go quiet when I said that’s fine, all income gets divided so each party has an equal amount to spend after bills go out 😅.

I am concerned that several times he’s mentioned that ‘women today’ seem to chase only tall, handsome, very high paid men and wonder why they’re single. He’s indicating that women have unrealistically high standards while
poor men can never match up. He’s obviously been radicalized to think of women as potential gold diggers. We have been together since university so approaching three decades by the way…

Is he tall?

Is he jealous that his tall, handsome colleagues have young/hot second wives or girlfriends perhaps and he is taking some of this resentment out on you? Are the young women in his office not admiring enough of him perhaps?

RandomMess · 04/01/2025 19:25

You absolutely go for your dream job max pension contributions and pay for more help etc.

You can do the "well I need to pull my financial weight" grey rock when he moans.

Pussycat22 · 04/01/2025 19:23

Charge him for all your roles as wife, mother, domestic engineer, nurse, administrator etc . He couldn't earn enough!!!

Vgbeat · 04/01/2025 19:14

He should be doing his fair share especially if you are both out of the house. Salary does not necessarily mean harder work. My hubby earns six figures. I'm a teacher who will never see 6 figures unless you count the decimal points however i probably put in a lot more hours than him. He however does the majority of the cooking, washing, school runs as he works from home in the main and I do general jobs at the weekend such as hoovering.

Original poster
Ducksrowing · 04/01/2025 19:14

@LL1991 yes he did go quiet when I said that’s fine, all income gets divided so each party has an equal amount to spend after bills go out 😅.

I am concerned that several times he’s mentioned that ‘women today’ seem to chase only tall, handsome, very high paid men and wonder why they’re single. He’s indicating that women have unrealistically high standards while
poor men can never match up. He’s obviously been radicalized to think of women as potential gold diggers. We have been together since university so approaching three decades by the way…

OP posts:
Saturdayssandwichsociety · 04/01/2025 19:12

dapsnotplimsolls · 04/01/2025 18:28

He's annoyed that you're not a perfect tradwife - this is the rabbit-hole he's falling into.

Show quote history

Well no he's probably annoyed that he has to work hard presumably 8hrs+ per day while his partner gets all day every day to herself and doesn't even manage to keep the house tidy!
He cooked the christmas dinner himself, it doesn't sound like he's expecting a trad wife!!

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