Is my friendship inappropriate?

DV disrupts cognitiion,judgement and safety reaction. The victim will minimise,rationalise the DV and blame self
DV is unsettling as the very one person you want and need makes you unsettled and disoriented
Frequently the victim will apportion blame to themself, they wound him up, they argued back etc. It’s a huge emotional turmoil to process DV

i get the victims being disoriented and minimising- it’s a stress reaction to trauma

Others rocking up and minimising and ignoring- no excuses. None

Who has time to be reading a long thread? She should have said that in her original post. Simple!

Yes. You just heard a one sided story and you are jumping into conclusions. Men also experience DV. I just find it strange she didn't mention this until people started calling her out for her inappropriate behaviour.

Hardly a drip feed. Why would you come on to a thread of 300+ posts and just reply to the OP as if the conversation won't have moved on since then?

It's quite a long thread. Only reading the OP of a long thread and replying to that makes you look ignorant and your response here shows you to be.

Yes, why not? If he wanted to be with her, he would be. My daughter's best friend is her ex. He rented a room from me after they split and is good friends with her husband with whom she has three children. The kids love him, her husband trusts him. Indeed, he's one of the very few people tusted with the kids.

Make him look bad? He is bad end of
Youre still apportioning blame to a woman experiencing DV and not the perpetrator
Classy

Did she mention any abuse in her original post? No! I see how she's throwing in the abuse just to make her husband look bad because she knows what she's doing is wrong. If my husband was abusive, that would have been the first thing I will mention in my post.

Agree you don’t seem to have very healthy boundaries with this Ashley. That said, if your DH is potentially violent you have bigger issues.

This is too much. You need to see that even one of these instances is too much! He won't ever change

Your last argument was only December and why is his dad over protective?
You will be back on her in less than a mth .
I truly hope you see him for what he is and get help!

Sounds awful? That’s being slow to share snacks. Its not an apt description of violence
Read were she recalls him shaking her, pining her to a wall, coercing sex. That violence
Lets not diminish this as sound awful

Jesus christ OP I caught up with this thread and am in shock at his behaviour and your minimisation of it.

He is aggressive. He assaults you. He has sexually assaulted you. He tries to control you. He wouldn't even help you when you had a medical emergency. He doesnt belive or care about your allergies. And you think this is ok, because its not constant and he has not done anything awful for around a month?

I've been with my husband for 20 years and the worst he has done is be slightly snappy with me when we've both been sleep deprived. None of what you describe is normal or acceptable, even as a complete one off

Don't stop being friends with Ashley (my husband is friends with old school friends that shagged and it doesn't bother me - they went there once and neither wanted to repeat it so it's clearly never going to happen again...its a friendship not a 'past sexual relationship')

But more importantly make plans to leave, as it will get worse.

So became friends with Ashley around 14-15, had sex with him at 17, and then married husband at 20. Your marriage to your husband sounds like it happened very quickly, which I think is probably making things a bit worse.

To be honest although many people make good friends with people of the opposite sex during school/college years, it is unusual to retain that level of closeness throughout life with a person of the opposite sex. I’d wager if you looked at a pool of 1000 random peoples best friends, at least 98% would be people of the same sex.

I’m afraid jealousy is a reasonable reaction, and I wouldn’t like my partner discussing the emotions and stresses of married life with someone of the same sex as myself either - let alone with somebody they’d previously sleep with.

Exactly! If the man was doing what she's doing, the women here will be calling him all sorts of names. Double standards!

The issue is the violent man who is sexually coercing and controlling
Ashley is a minor character a distraction, distraction that works seeng you’re apportioning blame to op

Those of us who think the friendship is inappropriate are not tits.
We are entitled to think differently to you. Okay?

It's upsetting two other people- his wife and her H.
her H sounds awful but she has other friends to turn to other than Ashley whose wife is not happy.

Whoa. Your husband's choice to threaten you is not remotely your responsibility or your fault.

If your husband had been upset by his boss, would he respond by physically threatening them? No. Because he knows it's not legal or appropriate.

You're already in the mindset of a domestic abuse victim. Domestic abuse always escalates. It never gets better. It also often starts after the first pregnancy /becoming a parent.

First off, Ashley's relationship with his wife is NOT your problem to deal with. If the time comes that he decides to end your friendship to 'save' his marriage, you need to respect that. But it's not on you to end your relationship because of his wife's behaviour.

Really?

What an odd way to look at things.

Ashley and OP need to cool it.

Evidently you didn’t read her posts as you’re still posting inappropriate advice
You can select op only see all and have a read through to get up to date
So you don’t look like an insensitive tit

But you can't separate the two.

Her marriage is one issue but turning to an old flame who she slept with (and became pregnant) is not the best way forward.

She's forever comparing Ashley with her H.

Ashley is now married. This friendship is too close for that as well.

Would you be happy if the shoe was on the other foot? You meeting up with him without ur husband knowing is being disrespectful and dishonest. I mean if you want to prioritise him over ur marriage, why don't u go be with him. Treat others like how you will want to be treated. If the man was doing what you are doing, most women will be on his neck. If your husband is not treating you well, divorce is an option. Don't make up excuses to justify ur behaviour.

@Rosegarden47

First off, Ashley's relationship with his wife is NOT your problem to deal with. If the time comes that he decides to end your friendship to 'save' his marriage, you need to respect that. But it's not on you to end your relationship because of his wife's behaviour. So set that aside. As long as your relationship with him is purely platonic and does not cross boundaries, then there's nothing wrong with it.

Now, as far as you and your marriage. You are in a terribly abusive relationship and you need to end it. It may very well cause you to 'lose your home and your stability' but you can find a new home and new stability. Maybe your 'lifestyle' will change for the 'worse' but it's worth it to have peace and safety. And if it 'changes the course of your DD's life' it will be for the better. It is NEVER healthy for a child to live in their parent's abusive relationship. NEVER. She will grow up with a skewed view of what is healthy. And she will likely choose abusive men when she is grown. Do you really want that for her?

My DH and I went to marriage counseling decades ago (married 35+ years now) due to parenting issues (we disagreed on a LOT). Let me tell you, one of the ground rules our counselor laid down was that what is said in a session is NOT discussed out of a session. This was to prevent exactly what your DH does to you: harangue you about things you say to the counselor. Doing that is so wrong and absolutely counter productive. So is restricting what you discuss. How can a counselor help you when 80% of what needs to change they don't even know about. DH and I had to be completely honest, bare all, and leave the 'session baggage' at the counselors door to be picked up next session. That is how you work through your problems.

And you also need to realize that by concealing your husband's behaviours and leaving yours as 'fair game' (because you are being open and honest about yours) will skew the 'blame' (for lack of a better word) towards you. This works to your abusive DH's advantage, can you see that?

If your DH is 'behaving' it's because he's trying to convince you that what you know to be true is NOT true. What is true is that he's abusive, his father colludes with him, and that he (and his father) will never change. You are on a roller coaster of 'heaven then hell'. Is that what you want for the next 30/40/50 years?

Listen, I have Coeliac Disease so luckily my reactions aren't fatal. But I tell you this, if my DH slipped gluten into my food I would leave him. Because as far as I'm concerned intentionally subjecting a person to an allergen or food one is intolerant to would border on the psychopathic. Nut reactions can be and are often fatal so what your DH is doing is intentionally poisoning you. No different than if he slipped arsenic in your food.

You need to schedule a private session with your counselor. Show him/her my words if you can't find your own. Remember that a counselor will usually not say "Leave" but they will certainly help you see what you should do. And if by some chance your counselor does say leave (this happened to a friend of mine) it is because they feel you are in imminent danger.

Your husband is abusive... you saying "there have been months inbetween" makes no difference. There shouldn't have been any of this behaviour in the first place. Would you want your daughter treated this way? Do the right thing and get her out of there!

I'm good friends with an old hook up. My husband couldn't care less. He knows I'm committed to him and our family. As he is too. Your husbands jealousy is not your problem. As for him saying 'I know what men want' he doesn't!! You can be friends with whoever you damn well please.

Read the whole thread. And if you have, this comment, like many others of yours, is shocking.