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Original poster

Is my friendship inappropriate?

495 replies

Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 16:21

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

OP posts:
Dotto · 04/01/2025 18:45

BoundaryGirl3939 · 04/01/2025 18:42

Whatever faults your husband may have, I wouldn't be happy with your close friendship with Ashley. It's very inappropriate and very disrespectful imo.

You need to find new friends, or a good therapist to share your problems with. Your intentions might be innocent, but the whole set up seems so odd and I can see why your husband is angry.

I'm interested how exactly it is disrespectful towards OP's husband?

Genevie82 · 04/01/2025 18:44

Jolietta · 04/01/2025 17:23

It must have been a shock for your husband to learn that you had a miscarriage and the father was your best friend who you are very close to.

Over time this has festered and made him suspicious of Ashley, perhaps believing that Ashley would want more than a friendship given the chance.

Jealousy is ugly and your husband is letting jealously control his emotions but you are also being unreasonable by not telling him the details of the miscarriage before you were married and not expecting it to play on his mind.

This 100 %.

If the shoe were on the other foot most women would be fuming that they only find this out during a pregnancy- you might be saying it’s all plutonic now but it hasn’t always been and you’ve not been fully honest about your friendship. I think the increase in frequency of Ashley’s visits & issues in your marriage are creating an insecurity.. what does Ashley’s wife think I wonder- why doesn’t she come along a few times too might help x

BoundaryGirl3939 · 04/01/2025 18:42

Whatever faults your husband may have, I wouldn't be happy with your close friendship with Ashley. It's very inappropriate and very disrespectful imo.

You need to find new friends, or a good therapist to share your problems with. Your intentions might be innocent, but the whole set up seems so odd and I can see why your husband is angry.

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 04/01/2025 18:37

Ashley is a good friend, but right now you need to prioritise your marriage. Make friends with people that you haven’t had sex with. Delete conversations from your phone that you have had with Ashley that you wouldn’t want your husband to say.

WidgetDigit2022 · 04/01/2025 18:36

Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 18:31

Yeah my FIL is very.. overprotective of me. Sometimes it’s sweet, sometimes it’s very intrusive.

Show quote history

Does FIL know your husband was violent towards you? Does he protect you from your husband or only friends?

Does FIL abuse his wife?

WidgetDigit2022 · 04/01/2025 18:35

I don’t think this is your primary issue OP or at least I wouldn’t order your decision making in this order.

Your husband has become physically abusive, very common time for it to happen after a baby.

When you decide to leave (and you will -you obviously won’t want to raise a child in an abusive home) you’re going to want all the friends you can get. Why cut Ashley off now, when you’re going to need him?

I think you need to have a good think about what environment you want your child to grow up in and make action. There is never a good reason to be violent towards your spouse, ever. Even if provoked. You know that, he knows that, hence the hiding and shame around it.

Ashley sounds like a good friend, I would keep him.

Original poster
Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 18:34

BarrioQueen · 04/01/2025 18:31

The thing is - if you slept together in the past he isnt just a friend. He might be now, but you do have a past together.

With all due respect, it was one day out of eleven years, when we were both single

OP posts:
BarrioQueen · 04/01/2025 18:31

The thing is - if you slept together in the past he isnt just a friend. He might be now, but you do have a past together.

TeabySea · 04/01/2025 18:31

LunaNorth · 04/01/2025 16:24

Your husband is being a controlling dickhead.

First post nails it. He's acting like a petulant child and all that his jealousy and insecurity will do is kill the relationship.

Original poster
Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 18:31

dapsnotplimsolls · 04/01/2025 18:26

I bet FIL is a controlling arse as well.

Yeah my FIL is very.. overprotective of me. Sometimes it’s sweet, sometimes it’s very intrusive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 18:27

crostini · 04/01/2025 18:13

I wouldn't be happy or secure if my husband was spending time with and messaging a woman he once got pregnant.
It's more that just the drunken teenage sex, which I wouldn't mind. It's the huge shared traumatic history you have together, it makes the relationship significant and more akin to an ex partner if you see what I mean. Especially as your relationship with your husband is currently on the rocks... I would consider a prioritising your primary relationships, your young family right now.

At the time I hid the pregnancy from Ashley (the same week I found out I was pregnant his ex announced she was also pregnant, not his finest moment). He found out when I ended up in hospital, so there was never any talk of “what should we do” or potential future between us

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 04/01/2025 18:26

I bet FIL is a controlling arse as well.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/01/2025 18:25

You've done nothing wrong op.

You didn't keep your miscarriage from him - you told him about it when you needed to and was totally honest - you could have said anyone was the Dad and lied to make life easier but you didn't.
You aren't sneaking behind his back to see your friend or constantly having time away from your family to see him.
Even talking to him about what's going on isn't wrong - no one would judge you confiding in a female friend about an abusive partner - his penis is immaterial.

He's physically intimidating and now controlling. Please think of that's how you want to live your life.

OhBling · 04/01/2025 18:22

Ps dh is friends with his ex who he got pregnant and they had an abortion. I am not in the slightest bit concerned about their relationship.

flippertygibbet4 · 04/01/2025 18:20

You're not in the wrong. My DH has female friends and I have male friends. If there is trust in a relationship then that shouldn't be a problem. Ashley is clearly a friend from your childhood and not a threat to your current relationship. In my opinion, the fact that your partner has behaved in a physically scary way is serious. What would you tell your DD about that kind of thing when she grows up? You'd never in a million years tell her that it was ok and she should just put up with it. Hiding parts of yourself to keep your partner happy is never a good thing.

OhBling · 04/01/2025 18:18

Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 17:28

Even he’s agreed that on a couple of occasions he’s gone too far when he’s lost is temper. I think that has made him insecure that I might leave, and this is something his insecurity has landed on

Show quote history

So.... he has behaved really badly and now k ow that you might leave. This makes him insecure. And to make him feel better, YOU have to change your relationship with Ashley?

Bollocks.

He doesn't get to cha ge the goalposts this far into the relationship. You and Ashley have been friends for a long time. Your h's behaviour has caused you to be unhappy. If that means you are at risk of having your head turned, it's on him to correct his behaviour.

He is controlling. What else has happened besides being "physically scary"? I bet loads. From resenting you going out to leaving you to do all the dc care to financial abuse.

Dotto · 04/01/2025 18:17

Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 18:14

It’s not, or at least it’s not the issue I’m looking for feedback on.. I genuinely don’t know if I’m the one in the wrong in this situation

Show quote history

You are not. He is using the abuser's textbook:

https://yimregister.medium.com/the-abusers-textbook-13-steps-abusers-take-to-trap-victims-fab7bd2a78a1

4 panels of different textbooks

The Abuser’s Textbook: 13 steps abusers take to trap victims

“It’s like they all have access to the same textbook”.

https://yimregister.medium.com/the-abusers-textbook-13-steps-abusers-take-to-trap-victims-fab7bd2a78a1

Original poster
Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 18:14

flippertygibbet4 · 04/01/2025 18:09

Because he has been physically scary towards her and she doesn't feel safe. That's the real issue here.

It’s not, or at least it’s not the issue I’m looking for feedback on.. I genuinely don’t know if I’m the one in the wrong in this situation

OP posts:
crostini · 04/01/2025 18:13

I wouldn't be happy or secure if my husband was spending time with and messaging a woman he once got pregnant.
It's more that just the drunken teenage sex, which I wouldn't mind. It's the huge shared traumatic history you have together, it makes the relationship significant and more akin to an ex partner if you see what I mean. Especially as your relationship with your husband is currently on the rocks... I would consider a prioritising your primary relationships, your young family right now.

moose62 · 04/01/2025 18:12

Firstly, delete all messages between you....then there is nothing to find or be suspicious about.
Then tell your husband that you are not going to lose a long standing friend and if he carries on with hus behaviour and threats he will lose you anyway.
Stand up for yourself.

flippertygibbet4 · 04/01/2025 18:09

Because he has been physically scary towards her and she doesn't feel safe. That's the real issue here.

Dotto · 04/01/2025 18:08

DaisyChain505 · 04/01/2025 18:07

I beg to differ. If this post was written by a woman worried about her husbands friendship with a woman he had got pregnant in the past all the replies would be saying he was out of order, cheating, disrespecting her and so on and that the OP should be able to go along and meet this woman.

why should it be any different just because the genders are reversed.

Show quote history

I think you need to read all of OP's posts carefully.

DaisyChain505 · 04/01/2025 18:07

Dotto · 04/01/2025 17:39

Tell him next time you would love him to come along so his mind can be put to ease

No he should not come along, OP doesn't need to placate this pathetic twat. She is not doing anything wrong and her husband is not the boss.

I beg to differ. If this post was written by a woman worried about her husbands friendship with a woman he had got pregnant in the past all the replies would be saying he was out of order, cheating, disrespecting her and so on and that the OP should be able to go along and meet this woman.

why should it be any different just because the genders are reversed.

Original poster
Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 18:05

Whoompthereitisnt · 04/01/2025 18:03

Hmm. To not tell him about the miscarriage is clearly going to make him insecure. You’re in the wrong IMO.

He found out about the miscarriage years ago, and didn’t have an issue with it at the time. It’s only recently, now I’ve seen Ashley a bit more than usual (because he happened to have business in my area) that it’s become an issue

OP posts:
buttonousmaximous · 04/01/2025 18:05

I'm a bit wary of new close op sex friendships which develop during a marriage. But your friendship pre dates your marriage, your dh either trusts you or he doesn't. I wouldn't accept being told to give up a long standing friendship, it's not about which is more important because obviously your marriage is. It's the controlling factor, who has the right to dictate who you are friends with?

I'd be clear this ends, you chose your friends and dh either trusts you or you split. If you end the friendship you are allowing yourself to be controlled and if you allow dh to berate you and go through your phone you are saying this behaviour is acceptable