Is my friendship inappropriate?

It's a difficult one but honestly I do think if a woman came on here saying her husband had been meeting up with a "friend" he had once got pregnant not many people would be taking his side..

If your husband is your priority you need to put his feelings first and focus on other friendships where you don't have that kind of history.

Inappropriate

Agreed, I hadn't read the update(s) when I posted that. Obviously if he's abusing her she needs to just leave.

This isn't how abusive relationships or abusive men work, sadly.

Just thinking that maybe your relationship with Ashley is what’s making your marriage bearable?

Couples therapy is not only not advised in abusive relationships, it can increase the risk.

I don't think you should be cutting off a friend who has supported you to leave a previous abusive relationship when it sounds like you're currently in another one.

It sounds like you're in a abusive relationship and need to leave. And Ashley knows about it so he's a threat

You should never put someone else’s feelings first! Centre yourself, and focus on you. Why on earth would you sacrifice something as crucial as a good, sustaining longterm friendship for a faltering marriage that involves threats and jealousy?

What does physically threatening mean?

LTB you should be with Ashley

It sounds like you and your husband would really benefit from couples therapy. Having your first child can be really hard, and insecurities can fester in that space. You need to be relentlessly communicating with each other so that you reach that level of trust where neither person would ever feel the need to go through the other person's phone. It sounds like he needs a lot of reassurance from you that you still want to be with him at this point. Having said all that, if the relationship has gone downhill because he's not pulling his weight, hasn't been supportive etc. - maybe it's time to consider whether you do want to be with him - and if he's not willing to work on the relationship to address his unfounded insecurities, he's not a keeper anyway.

Absolutely this.
OP, your husband is putting his ego 100% above you, your child and your feelings.
The more you say to try to justify the situation, the worse it reads.
You're young. He's fairly young. But he's acting like a Victorian father figure who must have authority and "respect".
Seriously- you need to give very careful consideration to your future with this relationship because from am outside perspective, this looks coercive with a tendency towards threats of violence.

I know I’m not perfect, and the fact I’m not putting my husband’s wishes/feelings 100% first isn’t good on my part

This sentence is almost scarier than the one where you think because he hasn't put hands on you for a month, he's not going to. Particularly as instead of continuing to grovel he is making you responsible for his insecurity.

I prioritise my dh a lot but it wouldn't occur to me to say I need to.100% put his feelings first.

We are not judging you but please come.back to MN when things continue to get worse.

Your husband sounds like a prick. Sorry op.

You’re welcome. Good luck. It must be frustrating that he feels insecure about his relationship with you, either in relation to his angry bad behaviour or your friend - given how committed you sound in spite of both of those things. I hope it improves and he learns to trust you more. Either way take care of yourself.

You say you are 'not allowed' to see Ashley alone and your husband may 'demand' to go through your phone. You are an adult and an equal partner in your marriage so this way of framing things is not OK. DH may ask you not to see Ashley, and you continuing to see him may things hard in your marriage, perhaps irretrievably so, but it's your decision, not your husband's.

My hunch is that:

1. your DH knows the friendship is platonic
2. the real reason your DH hates the friendship is because he guesses you confide in your friend about the awful behaviour to you. He doesn’t want to face that he is an abusive partner. Someone else knowing makes it real.

I virtually never post (I’m male) but had to say something as I’ve experienced both sides, seeing my marriage slip away in excruciating style when a “friend” entered the picture, and also having very close but 100% platonic female friends who unload some pretty horrifying things about their relationships. I only ever listen as it’s not my place to undermine someone else’s relationship. Except that I would draw the line at violence, and tell someone to leave at that point.

Ir shouldn’t be an issue to have a friendship with someone that you had a tiny fling with years ago. I am friends with one of my exes and my husband knows it really is just a friendship. And your husband DOES sound incredibly iffy with a lot of red flags. It doesn’t sound like you actually see each other much usually.

But - if both your husband and his wife are uncomfortable with this friendship, personally I’d be going out as a foursome more often, bringing them into the equation more. My husband has ended up better friends with my ex nowadays than I am.

He’s physically frightened you (no details provided, but I’m sure we can imagine), wouldn’t drive you to hospital for a medical emergency, had misogynistic views of male/female friendships (despite having female friends himself) and clearly has no respect for you. And that’s just based on the stuff you’ve told us. I’m sure there’s more.

However, as he hasn’t physically aggressed you in a few months, you think all shall be well? OP, for goodness sake. Open your eyes.

Do you know how many times my husband has done ‘horrible things’ to me? None. And (while he’s pretty great) that’s not because he’s some extra special superhuman. That’s the standard. Your husband’s conduct is inexcusable.

More likely he’ll continue to cycle between being obnoxious and being just nice enough to keep you hanging on.
Especially if FiL isn’t a nice man

Why are you with someone that treats you like this? Is this what you think love looks like?

Again, the Ashley thing is a red herring. You are married to a horrible man.