Is my friendship inappropriate?

But that’s because, as you say yourself, you have no metric for normality, because of a childhood where violence was routine, and from a string of abusive or unequal relationships you had yourself.

What’s the point if counselling if you’re not going to tell the truth? How can you possibly get good advice or find a way forward if you’re not telling the problem?

He's a bad person OP. All you've done on here is tell the truth about him, and we have all come to the conclusion that he's a bad person.

If you tell the truth about him to your counsellor and it makes him sound like a bad person, that's because you're describing the actions of a bad person. That's not your fault, it's his.

Speak to Womens Aid for advice to see if they feel your DH is abusive. They can advise you. Dont tell him. Make sure you log out of mumsnet if he checks your phone

This really concerned me. It is not proper couples therapy if you can’t speak openly without fear of recriminations. Most people here will just say leave, but can you arrange one-to-one sessions, so you can get advice without a filter? If your husband objects to you being able to speak to the therapist unsupervised then I would be even more concerned. Ask yourself if that is the type of relationship you still want to be in when you grow old?

Read the thread! What is the point of posting this without reading even just the OP's posts?

Marriage counselling op. You both need to work on your marriage after life changes.
Myself and dh went after birth of our kids as we just couldn't communicate

He’s never hit me or anything, it’s always been pretty minor stuff or being physically threatening

It is truly depressing that you don’t see how terrifying this sentence is.

There’s plenty on here that agree that I’m the problem because I consciously or unconsciously haven’t been putting his feelings first

There are people who think your friendship with Ashley is inappropriate. There isn’t a single comment condoning your husband’s physical aggression or his general treatment of you. Do not conflate those two things.

I think you married too young, and now you're looking to see what's on the other side of the fence. I don't think your heart is in your marriage.

Ashley is a red herring. Hes irrelevant. If it wasn't him it would be something else. You are in a coercive controlling relationship with an abusive man.

Read back some of these posts. You aren't ALLOWED to see your friend? Really? I just asked my ex when he dropped the kids off if he ever thought about stopping me seeing one of my male friends. He laughed and said 'me and whose army?'

He tells you off after therapy sessions for saying something he doesn't like. Tells you in advance what you aren't allowed to talk about or physically stops you doing so by cancelling the appointment.

Wake the fuck up! What would you say to your daughter if she was in this situation?

Do you want your kids growing up and thinking this is normal? Really? You want this to be the template for your children's future relationships?

If I were you I'd get Ashley and the biggest car he could lay his hands on to collect you, your kids and your stuff while your DH is at work and drop you off with whoever can put you up for a few nights while you get yourself sorted.

Your DH has not learned his lesson. Please believe me. Physically aggressive men will always be physically aggressive. They don't change. They can't change. They're sorry, but that doesn't mean it won't happen again. It's never just once. They always do it again, it always escalates to physical violence and they're always fucking sorry. And it's always somehow your fault.

Your marriage is not going to last like this.

You use Ashley as your emotional touchstone, not your husband. Ashley is your person, not your husband and your husband resents that you see Ashley as "your rock", not him. You may discount your previous sexual involvement but your husband doesn't. You are dismissive of his worries here. Talking about your marriage to your bestie who got you pregnant, yes, that's over the line into inappropriate behaviour.

Since your husband is showing abusive behaviour, get out of the marriage.

This is not couples therapy, it’s pretending to work on your marriage in front of someone, any therapist worth their salt will likely see straight through the lies you are both peddling, pretending ‘it’s been a good week’. Your husband is an abusive liar, you need to to leave before the ‘threats’ of violence leave you very bruised, and you have to lie to the therapist again.

Your DH's abusive behaviour is not 'your fault'. It doesn't matter what people on here think about whether your friendship with Ashley is inappropriate or not. That friendship is not the cause of your husband's behaviour. HE is responsible for his behaviour, and physical/emotional abuse is never ok.

It wouldn't matter if your DH found you and Ashley in your kitchen together, there is nothing you could do that would justify abusive behaviour from him towards you. It's never ok. Cancelling the therapy appointments, getting angry with you afterwards, being physically threatening - none of these behaviours are those of a reasonable, loving partner. You deserve to feel happy and safe, as does your daughter. If I was in your position, Ashley or no Ashley, I would be leaving my DH.

Your H is controlling and abusive. You need to leave.

If your husband is banning certain subjects thats not doing couples therapy, contact the therapist on your own and ask for advice. I agree with what you said about Ashley being your Safetynet but do you wanna break up his marriage and could you anyway? what would be the point of that? more pain for more people.

This is why you dont go to therapy together with an abuser

Ashley's wife and kids deserve to be happy too. Not have a husband/father who's happy to drive four hours to rescue his ex.
OP has said if her DH went through her phone, there'd be stuff on there that doesn't look good.

OP shouldn't be leaning on a married man.
Like others have said, she could have called an ambulance, neighbour, friend, family etc.

No woman would be happy to have a DH behaving like Ashley, but OP is willingly disrupting that marriage.

Equally, no one would like to be in OP's DH's shoes.

If your DH is being abisive OP, then leave him.
Leaving him doesn't mean breaking up another family though.

You've asked if the relationship with Ashley is inappropriate.

You haven't answered if you'd be happy with your DH beong friends with an ex he once got pregnant and chats to the way you chat with Ashley.

That's where your answer lies if you're truthful.

This is why you shouldn't be doing couples therapy with him because he's abusive! The fact that he's not overtly abusing you in the same way at the moment doesn't mean he's changed or stopped being abusive. Couples therapy in abusive relationships increases the risk because the victim sees therapy as a safe space to say things she might not otherwise, and they get used against her afterwards. This therapist is not on your side.